Don't Want to Quit

I don't know how to get you to hear me or listen to me.  There is never a good time to try to talk to you.  You say you want to practice getting inside someone's head but you don't need practice, you're in mine.  Silent treatment fucks my head all up, can't you see that?

You haven't given me a chance to show that I can give during play since you told me I don't.

I do have consideration for you beyond what I want.  I am sorry I can't remain silent when it feels like I'm losing something important to me...I need to fight to keep it, beg for it, plead my case.

Why is it okay to text when you're working when you're not angry with me?

I care about you, I've tried to show it to you, I've tried to be what you want.  I've failed.  Maybe I should roll over and give up silently.

It isn't all about what I want.  It's NOT.  I resent you saying that.  I resent that you won't hear me.

I just want to submit that's all I want and you won't tell me the rules, I'm supposed to learn them on the fly.  I'm supposed to assume that ending a conversation is punishment and guess at how long that is to last.  Give me some breadcrumbs to follow please?

Yearning

I've been without active dominance for a very long time and it's wearing on me.

I have learned to live without it, for the most part. Then I run into someone whose dominance screams at my submission but that isn't quite the arrangement we have.

I yearn for that dominance to be directed toward me. I almost ache for it. He knows but being as dominant as he is... he controls if/how/when things progress. It makes me yearn and ache more. Sometimes I wonder if, knowing this, he uses it somehow. Then I think, "nahhh".

I don't know if he'll ever want to own me.

Often I imagine I'm going to be "Lifestyle single" forever. Unowned. That makes the yearning turn to ache, then to frenzy.

Being frenzied is one of the worst mental places to be (aside from being at some point in mania). You ache, want, need so badly that you'll do just about anything to get what you want and need, to ease that ache. Then someone reminds you that frenzy is unattractive and turns potential dominants off. So you move through and past the frenzy and you're left with only the ache, want, and need.

You want to beg for more play, at least during play you get a little of the dominance you crave. But begging can be unattractive too so you ask and leave it in his hands with hope that he'll want to play and have time to do so.

Sometimes being submissive sucks balls.

FuckUpFailure

I am such a fuck-up and a failure.  I've taken probably ten steps backwards and I don't think I'll get them back.  He says I can earn the right to be posted on his profile but how do I do that?  By what?  Not bothering him?  Not texting?  Not asking him to visit or play?  It hurts..it just plain fucking hurts and there's not a blessed thing I can do about it.  I'm going to lose him because I can't change, I'm not any kind of anything.