Orphaned

Yesterday I was trying to explain how I feel now, after last week's revelations, regarding the mother to m'Lady.  The closest I can come is that I feel like an orphan but not in the negative sense of the word.  I don't feel abandoned, rather I just feel like I'm my own person with no real parents.  And in this sense I feel free from a lot of my past.

 

I never had a father growing up.  I knew I had one and I even knew who he was, met him, and saw him occasionally.  But he wasn't my father or my dad.  He was a sperm donor for all intents and purposes and I had no attachment to him and felt no familial relation to him at all.  He made it plain that he didn't acknowledge me or my sister as his children and didn't want to be a father to us after I'd written him a letter asking why.  I feel the same way about the mother now.  I feel very detached from her and very little familial relation.

 

This may seem like a negative thing at first glance but in all honesty it isn't.  I've spent a lot of time stressing and had a lot of angst over my relationship with her.  It's been wasted time and now I am finally free of her.  I feel better than I have in a long time.  Strange but true.

 

I hope my sister can get to this point.  She bore the worst of it.  I always thought she was the favored child who could do no wrong in the mother's eyes.  The things I didn't know could fill a book and I regret not being there to protect my sister.  I can't change it now but I will try to help her get past it if I'm able.

 

So yep, feeling good.  Feeling positive.  Had a good visit with the headshrinker and I don't have to go back til January.  Yay!  Now if Master could start feeling better, poor guy has some sort of bug, the World would be right. :-)

 

 

Sweet

When I was upset last week over my sister's revelations about our mother I'd written to m'Lady and Sir.  I needed to vent (a lot) and I needed their support.  I also wanted to let them know what was going on with me just because I like keeping them in the loop.

 

Sir is on vacation and I didn't expect a response from him until he got back.  But the very next morning after writing he sent me a note of support and love.  His words were sweet and it was obvious he really wished he could offer more than just an e-mail in the way of support.  He even sent me a little something to cheer me up and take my mind off of my troubles.  It was unexpected but welcome all the same, even if I did feel a little guilty about maybe being a downer on his vacation.

 

They're all wonderfully supportive.  Master keeps reminding me that what may or may not have happened, regardless of the circumstances, doesn't change who I am.  He's right and once I digested and processed the information I wrote an (as of yet) unsent letter to my mother describing my feelings, which has helped me move through them.  I'm feeling better about it.  There's nothing I can do to change the past but the future is mine to decide and I'm afraid she's not going to have a starring role in my future.  Probably not even a supporting role.  She'll be an extra that has no lines and is very rarely seen, if at all.

 

I hate giving up contact with a blood relative but do I really want that contact given what this person has done to me?  The short answer is 'no'.

Where Did It Go?

Where did all my anger go?  My righteous anger, my unrighteous anger, my illogical and irrational anger... where is it when I need it?

 

I feel like my foundation has been knocked out from beneath me and instead of being angry about it I'm sad, hurt, lost, and in shock.  But I feel like I should be angry.  My sister told me that our mother told her she knew we were being molested but that she let it continue because he was helping to pay her bills.  She knew, yet she let it continue.  When I finally dredged up the courage to tell her (about a year after it started) she wasn't exactly surprised but she tried to deny it.  Then she finally believed me and left me home to babysit my sister while she went on with her life.  At the time that included school and AA meetings.  I was probably ten years old, my sister would have been five.

 

Knowing what I know now puts the night I told in perspective.  No wonder she didn't stay home with us and care for us.  She didn't care.  She never bothered to ask my sister if he'd touched her too.  She didn't need to did she?  She pretended to care, she called the police to file a report, sent me to stay with my grandparents for a couple of days for my safety, and had heart to hearts with me as one survivor to another as I got older.

 

It was all a lie, all one big act to cover and salve her own guilt in making her daughters victims for her own selfish ends.  I thought my childhood was sick and twisted but this is an all new low.  I was holding out hope to have a loving relationship with my mother but that hope is officially dead now.  I don't want a relationship with a monster and I certainly don't want her near my children.

 

I can feel the anger simmering deep inside me but it's so deeply buried under the other feelings that I'm not sure it will get out.  Mostly I feel sick, physically ill.  I feel like I've been violated all over again and I'm in shock, I feel kind of numb.  I cried in Master's arms last night as I told him what I'd learned.  Gods that man is a gift.  His love for me is so powerful, I feel wrapped up and safe inside it.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do or if I'm going to do anything.  It will affect the future.  Some people think you can reconcile with your abusers, forgive them, etc.  I can't.  I can not hate them but I can't let them into my life or give them the opportunity to hurt me again.  Given the other abuses my mother heaped on me and the worse ones she heaped on my sister, she doesn't deserve reconciliation.  She doesn't deserve to have me and my sister or our children in her life.  She's unworthy of any of us.

 

Master is right, this doesn't change who I am but it does put things in a different light.  Our lives could have been so different if our mother hadn't hated us, been selfish, and used us as tools to make her life easier.  I was mostly okay with my past until I found out the truth.  Now, I don't know... I just don't know.  Nothing was what I believed it to be.  Nothing.  I spent a good part of my life trying to earn my mother's love, I felt like there was something wrong with me that if I just tried harder she'd love me.  It should have been the other way around.  She's never been worthy of my love.

 

 

Fresh Start

It's a nice sunny day today.  The temperature is a bit chilly but the sun is bright and is shining into my cubicle for the moment.  Sunshiney days and cool temps tend to make me feel fresh and new.  I find I'm more motivated on days like today to make positive changes in my life.

 

I'm trying to pull together a support group of sorts for getting healthy and fit.  I know that for me to be successful I need support and accountability.  I feel ready to get back to work on my physical fitness.  If nothing else it will help improve my moods and energy levels.  It would be nice to drop a few sizes too, I've got a closet full of clothes and I can wear less than half of them due to finding too many lost pounds and being inactive.

 

I wish I could manage to force myself out of bed early enough in the morning to get a quick ride on the aerodyne bike before work.  For now I'll settle for walks on my breaks and exercise after work at home.

Circling Thoughts

I try to banish them, these thoughts, but they keep bubbling up to the surface.  I guess they need my attention and they're telling me it's time to deal.  I watched Georgia Rule yesterday and while being a good movie, it hit some triggers.  I won't spoil the movie other than to say that part of the story deals with a girl whose step-father molested her.

 

I was reminded of when we found that a close family friend had molested our oldest two.  I spent time agonizing over what my gut was telling me (the kids denied it for a long time) and not wanting to believe someone I had known for so many years was capable of something so vile.  My gut finally won and he was evicted from our lives.

 

A few months down the road we heard he'd been jailed for child molestation and again I asked the kids.  This time they told me the truth.  They'd been afraid while he was free.  Part of me died that day and has never recovered.  I know I'm not superwoman and I know I can't control everything.  I even know that I can't keep my children safe from everything.  But that was one thing I'd always wanted to protect them from.  I never wanted them to go through what I'd been through.  I spent a lot of energy teaching them ownership of their bodies and to tell no matter what.  I underestimated the power of intimidation.  I trusted the wrong person and I learned that no matter how well you may think you know a person, no matter how long you know them, you never truly know them.

 

Part of me will always feel guilty for letting that person into our home and into our lives.  It isn't logical to continue to feel badly about it, it doesn't serve a purpose, but I can't seem to completely rid myself of that guilt.  I feel partly responsible because I spent too much time questioning my gut, my instincts.  Yes I'm human and it's not something you want to believe of your closest friends.  It's a serious allegation to make.  What ifs abound in this type of situation.

 

I've tried to find forgiveness for myself and for him.  Logically I understand that he's mentally ill, not right in the head, whatever.  But emotionally I don't understand.  He knew about my background, he knew what it did to me, and he knew how I'd react if someone ever did that to my children.  We'd talked.  Sometimes I wonder if he was hoping to be caught by us because of this.  I wonder if he was hoping we'd stop him for good.

 

During moments when my mind isn't occupied my thoughts circle back to that time.  They go round and round.  I forcibly move my thinking to something more productive but that isn't really dealing with the problem.  I need to go to the source.  I need to ask why.  I didn't really ask many questions when I confronted him after the trial was over and he was convicted.  I was lucky to be able to function then.  I just wanted to hurt him as much as he'd hurt us.  I told him he was dead to us, I wish it were that easy for me.

 

The kids seem to have managed to take back what he took from them.  They're functioning and mostly happy.  They're creating lives for themselves with fewer problems than I had.  Or at least that's what I see and hear from them.  It's probably time to check in.. though I'm loathe to bring the topic up at all.  I've destroyed all pictures of him and I refuse to speak his name nor do I like to hear his name brought up in conversation.  I truly want to erase him from our lives, I know it won't undo what's done but none of us need reminders of him.

 

Surprisingly I'm not as down as I thought I'd be.  I'm just a little off today as I move through some of the feelings I've shied away from.

 

There's no drama, no feelings of 'woe is me', no self-pity.  Just the reality of the situation and finally dealing with some of what I wasn't able to deal with then, or since.

 

Games We Play

It's funny, the little games we play to initiate SM play, sex, or just some sort of intimacy.

 

When I was younger I'd wrestle with people I wanted to be near, people I was attracted to.  It was physical closeness and with the right person, turned into more than just wrestling.  I don't really do it anymore, I'm already intimate one way or another with the people I'm attracted to. 

 

However, Master and I still play silly games and enjoy a lot of humor in our bedroom.  Last night I was just feeling playful as he was getting ready for work.  I attached my hair clip to his penis and I commented "It's starting to grow!  It likes it!"  Then he just sighed and said with mock seriousness, "You've done it now... you've touched it, you have to take care of it" as he lead me to the bed, removing my clothes as we went.  I protested my innocence, not very sincerely, "It wasn't me it was the hair clip!"  "I didn't do anything, it's not my fault!"  He just looked at me and said "The sooner you get up on the bed the sooner we can be done."  It was fun, light, and playful and I guess, a form of foreplay.

 

I love moments like that because I'm a lil kid at heart and I like to play and be silly.  It thrills me to no end when he plays along with me.  It's been a while since he's been that playful and it's good to see his playfulness returning.  That's one of my favorite things about our relationship, the playfulness and the laughter.  He makes me laugh and I make him go "Hmm.." most of the time.  But still I amuse him with my quirks.

 

We don't play games to initiate SM, either I ask or he initiates it.  I think it might be fun to try "play punishment", similar to the hair clip situation but with spankings before the sex.  We don't really need these games but they do keep the humor and fun alive in the relationship.

Overcompensating Perhaps?

I've been feeling extremely happy lately.  I finally have this "deep dark secret" that never really was a secret in the first place, off my chest.  I feel like the lines of communication with Master and with m'Lady are wide open finally.  I feel like I can breathe again.

 

We've had a lot of miscommunication or lack of communication regarding our relationships and it feels SO good to have them open.  I didn't realize how much of my personal misery was tied up in all of that until it finally hit the proverbial fan and we all started talking.

 

However, as a result I'm finding myself eager to find playmates for Master and wanting to prove to him that I really am okay with him playing with others.  Some of our issues have involved my insecurities, jealousy, and (ultimately) fear of loss of Master's time, love, or attention.  So I've been babbling like a brook about him playing with others, suggesting possible playmates, and asking him if there is anyone in particular that he's interested in.  I know, I know, this is not my area of control.  He made it clear that I needed to put on the brakes and leave it to him.  So I'm letting go and letting him decided if/when he plays with others.

 

Yesterday, watching an episode of HBO's Big Love I was struck by the beauty of the family atmosphere.  I told Master that that type of life appealed to me somewhat.  I could tell he was a bit uncomfortable, perhaps he's still unsure of me and that will take time, or maybe I'm just off base and he doesn't want another slave.

 

I can see that my change of mind might seem sudden.  To be honest I've been thinking things through for a long time but there was always something holding me back, something internal.  But that something seems to be gone now and I'm agog at all the possibilities that I've been closed to for so long and that I've kept Master from for so long.  Ultimately my hang-ups have really limited the growth of our relationship as Master and slave so I'm really looking forward to our future now with hope that we'll get out of this rut we've fallen into.  Saturday night was certainly an excellent start.  Friday evening was a good start too.  I was irritable with no real good reason for it and every time I'd get revved up he'd check my attitude, it really helped to not be allowed to get too far with the irritability and negative attitude.

 

Today life is good. :-)

Awesome Weekend!

This weekend was one of the best I've had in quite a while.  I had things planned and they (mostly) involved being home and doing some projects.  Instead I wasn't home much at all and didn't get the projects done but I did have a great time.

 

Friday night was a home night, a girls' night in with old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show.  I think my favorite episode has to be the one titled "Wishes" where Xander and Willow are vampires... there is one scene in particular that gets my motor revving.  Xander stands behind a girl and bites one side of her neck, then Willow comes in from the front of the girl on the other side of the neck and as they feed Xander wraps his hands in Willow's hair.  (fanning self) that is just hot hot hot!

 

Saturday I spent time with our local kink group, got to meet a new member and chatted up friends and got some really good squishy feel good hugs.  Then I picked up HRS and we went to the mall.  First stop Teavana!  OMG!  If you're a tea lover it's definitely the place to go.  They've got a Web site http://www.teavana.com and it's spectacular.  I got to try two teas I'd never had before and I just have to say, loose tea beats the crap out of any bagged tea I've tried so far.  I oohed and ahhed over all the gorgeous teapots and teacups and the sake sets.  I found a book that is a serious wish list item.  It has step-by-step instructions on how to perform Chado, the Japanese Tea Ceremony.  I've been searching for just such a book for YEARS!  Now I've found it, yay!!!  I told HRS to tell LMR (Little Miss Raincloud) that if she's looking for holiday gift ideas I wouldn't be averse to gift cards to Teavana. (grins)

 

Saturday evening was spent watching movies with HRS and Master, we watched Run Fatboy Run, if you're into British comedy and/or Simon Peg it's a good movie.  It was hilarious and sweet at the same time.  We're big fans of Brit comedy and I'm a major fan of Brit programs like Doctor Who, Hotel Babylon, and Red Dwarf.  So now you know my geek side.

 

Saturday night Master and I went to bed sort of early and boy am I glad we did.  He got out the cupping set and covered my back with them and then the real fun began.  It was a wonderful way to spend the evening and I was goofy happy that he chose to play with me and made the time to do so.  The sex was great too. ;-)  We rarely have just 'us' time these days.  During the week we're both so freaking worn out from working, plus he works overnights so our schedules never mesh, that the last thing we're thinking of is any kind of SM play.  Sex is generally for his pleasure (and I'm NOT complaining about that-I love it) but we don't have the time to spend enjoying each other that we'd like to have.  Weekends are usually time for both of us to vegetate and recover for the coming work-week.  I really wish Master could get some regular exercise, I think he'd feel a LOT better and have more energy.  I know I've felt a bit better since beginning to walk on my breaks again.  Sure I'm worn out but I don't feel dead at the end of a work day like I had been feeling.

 

Sunday was fun, it was a girls' day out.  HRS and I went to the Pride parade and Pride Fest and we had lots of fun.  I saw a couple of friends in the parade and at the Fest and got to introduce them to HRS.  HRS and I enjoyed some shows from a locally famous Drag Queen and an excellent Prince impersonator.  It was one of the first times I didn't feel self-conscious, I was dancing and singing along and just having fun.  Poor HRS (who is a bit introverted and shy) was a little embarrassed by Mom's dancing.  Hey, I never said I was good. lol

 

When we got home we had dinner and watched tv as a family.  It was nice.  I got to bed early and made decent time with my morning routine.

 

Master has been working on getting into a routine schedule so he can be awake in the evenings with us.  I've really enjoyed it a LOT.  I've missed spending time with him and HRS as a family.

Poly-Ooops

Sooooooooooooooooooo, I don't write about Sir much, if at all.  Mostly this is done out of respect for Master's feelings.  He still struggles with the situation and I wonder if some of that is due to me not talking about Sir much.  It may have been going on for some time but we haven't really dealt with a lot of the issues.  He assures me he's fine to keep me happy and I walk around on eggshells to keep him happy.  In short, bad idea.  My intentions have been good, not wanting him to be uncomfortable reading my blog and not wanting to make him feel "less than" in any way.  But it has backfired and now it feels like we're starting all over and I'm re-learning how to do it and how to do it right.

 

In not writing about the good stuff I've done a great disservice to Master, Sir, and m'Lady.  Especially to Sir and m'Lady because I used her as a venting/advice tool and never really talked about the good stuff.  As a result I've given her nothing but negative stuff to base her opinion of Sir on.

 

I feel like such a rookie.  It isn't as if there is a lot of precedence for successful multi-dominant/single submissive relationships.  As I mentioned to a friend in e-mail, I feel like we're pioneers and right now it's like we're lost in a snowstorm in the mountains somewhere with a bad map.  We've been drawing the map as we go and it's time to draw a new map because the old one is waaaaaaaaay off.

 

I love them and I want all of us to be happy.  The way I see it, in order for any of that to happen we need to work together as a unit instead of as three separate relationships and I need to work on my behavior and communication skills.

Snippets

We paint pictures of our lives with words, we bloggers do.  But they're only snippets, snapshots of moments in time.  They're not a complete picture.  Some of us write only when moved to do so, some of us write as a means of venting or working through issues, and yet others write to share ideas.  Still, they're only bits of the complete person.

 

I realized last night that I usually only write when I've got emotional stuff going on and I use this blog as tool to vent those emotions and work through the issues.  I've painted a very tiny bit of my life and one might get the idea that I'm miserable all the time, which is far from the truth.  I laugh often, live well, love, and am loved in return.  I realize my writings are unbalanced and I need to do more writing about the good things, paint a more complete picture.  Granted this blog is still for me and my Master, I think he too needs to see more of the good stuff from me.

 

As a beginning....

 

I'm several months out from surgery now and I think I'm about as good as I'm going to get.  The implant helps with much of the leg and foot pain, nothing to be done about the lower back other than medication.  I'm adapting and forcing myself to begin walking on my breaks again, my body needs to move and it rewards me when I do.  I feel better, even if only mentally, I'm benefitting from the exercise.  I'm learning to relax my lower back when I walk and that isn't nearly as easy as it sounds but it does help and I haven't been having the muscle spasms as badly as I was before I figured out that little trick.  I'm also exercising at home.  Okay, so I'm not in a routine yet but I do have a workout that seems to be fairly low impact and feels good to do.  It's also easy because it's broken up into 10 minute segments so I'm not overdoing it and I don't feel like I've got to keep going til the end.  Ten minutes and I've moved my body, made it happy, and made myself happy.

 

I'm working at getting healthier too.  I found all the pounds I'd lost two years ago plus a few.  That doesn't make anyone's body happy and the extra load on my back isn't good.  So I'm eating better and less.  Okay I kinda goofed the last two days with chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert but it was Master's birthday on Sunday!  No excuse?  Darn.  I just began last week but I'm already down 1.5 lbs, that's a good start in my book.  Imagine what I could do if I exercised regularly?  That's what I'm thinking of. ;-)

 

So that's me for now... new beginnings

 

 

Mental Illness

I'm sick, I'm mentally ill.  I cringe at those terms.  I feel there is such stigma attached to being 'mentally ill' that I want to distance myself from the label.  In doing so I'm jumping right into DEnial and that's not helpful for me or my illness.  The medications I take can sometimes further allow me a deeper trip into DEnial because most days I feel "normal".  Then I get b*tchslapped by my illness, either it gets stronger than the meds or, in the case of the last week, I'm off the meds for some reason.

 

It has been a harrowing week and weekend.  I'm sure Master has a few more grey hairs than he had before.  I know I do but thank the Gods for hair dye!  I'm still not 100%, maybe 80% right now.  I'm shaky, fragile, and I could cry at the drop of a hat but at least I'm able to get out of bed.  I'm sitting here at work today and I'm functioning.  I couldn't get myself out of bed Tuesday, I felt trapped there, I felt as if I was going to die in my room trapped in that bed.  That's the height of mental illness for me.  Not being able to do something as simple as getting out of bed.  It still sounds as stupid now in type as it did when I said it Tuesday morning with tears flowing down my cheeks.  But, stupid or not it's just one of the many manifestations of my mental illness.

 

Maybe Master is right, I don't accept my mental illness as being part of who I am and maybe that is what makes it so rough for me.  I keep expecting to "heal" and be "normal" instead of learning to cope with it and accepting it.  I don't want to accept it.  I don't want to be mentally ill.  Master says there is no such thing as "normal", most of the time I agree with him.  But when I'm in the throes of my illness I mentally flog myself for not being normal, I moan about never being "normal".  "Normal" is my Holy Grail in a way.  It's something I think I'm going to find if I just keep searching, if I have enough faith, if I'm good enough... and so on.  Too many ifs.  I've never been "normal" so why should I expect to start now?  I realize how silly that hope is when I stop and think about it like that.  I'm always a big proponent of making the most of the life one is given.  I don't seem to be practicing what I preach do I?

 

My new goal is acceptance.  Acceptance of myself as I am now, not as I wish I were or as I will be if x, y, and z happen.  I am mentally ill and have been from a very young age, medication helps me to function.  So what?  I wouldn't be ashamed of needing medication for a physical illness such as cancer, why should I be ashamed of this?  Stigma.  Personal bias.

 

My mother has been mentally ill all my life, a drug addict, and revelling in the "victim" role.  All this along with being physically and emotionally abusive.  I've spent most of my life fighting to not be at all like her.  Yet here I am, mentally ill, physically limited, and dependent on medication to function.  There are differences and it's those differences I need to focus on.  I'm not addicted to my medication, I'm not abusing or misusing it, I've worked hard to overcome most of my issues, and I keep looking for solutions to my physical limitations that will allow me to live my life.

 

So here I am, at work instead of sitting at home.  I've been here an hour and a half and while part of me wants to run home the rest of me knows that isn't an option.  I need to stay here and in staying here I will gain some strength and functionality.  I'm proud of myself for getting myself out of bed today, for getting a shower, and for leaving the house to go to work.  I couldn't have done this just a few days ago, not even yesterday.

 

Life is what we make of it, I often forget this but that doesn't make it any less true.

Character

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
Kahlil Gibran

 

This quote nearly made me break down in tears when I heard it.  The deepest, most genuine, and strongest people I know are those who've suffered in some way and come out the other side stronger for it.

 

Sometimes I think this is me, sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I look back at my past, then I see myself now and I am filled with wonder that I am the person I am after all of that.  I could have so very easily gone down the wrong path, taken the wrong turn, and I did take a few wrong turns but despite that my core was strong and good.  I've always known who I am, even while soul searching I knew.  It's a bit like archaeology, you have a good idea of what's there but you have to excavate, dust it off and clean it up to get a really good look at it.  That's how I've found different facets of myself.

 

I know I wouldn't be who I am today without yesterday's experiences.  Sometimes I'm conflicted about that.  There are some experiences I think I'd trade in a heartbeat, but each experience, each choice leads to a new experience and choice.  It's sort of like those books, you get to choose what happens next and don't know where your choice will lead until you've made it.  Unlike the books you can't go back and unchoose, if only life were that easy.  But if it were would we value it as much?  I don't think so.

 

I'm feeling very introspective today, it's dreary outside and raining.  The seasons are changing, I can feel it in my bones, in my soul.  I find myself looking forward to Fall, to Samhain and the chance to honor loved ones I've been missing.

Interesting

Today Master told me he didn't know how I could take the temp piercing/suturing to my labia.  I didn't say it but my thought was, "How couldn't I?"  He loves doing it why would I ever think to even attempt to deny him that pleasure?

 

The reason behind his statement is that living with chronic pain he's noticed a marked decrease in his desire for the fun pain.  Yes, Master is a masochist as well as a sadist.  He used to love some extreme bits of pain but for the past two years he's been living with chronic pain due to unhealed injuries.  Knowing the pain I live with, he's just incredulous that I take the type of "fun" pain I do.

 

So here's my big confession.  I don't always enjoy it.  Sometimes I'm not sure I can take it, I get this butterfly feeling in my stomach and the urge to run away is almost overwhelming.  I'll even say "I'm not sure if I can take it" before he starts.  I curse, yell, call him naughty names, and make idle threats to his person during some of these sessions.  That's part of my pain processing process.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I serve as masochist to his sadist.  I sincerely believe taking pain for him to sate his sadistic need is a form of service.  I love serving him in this way.  So how do I take the "fun" pain when I live with the "bad" pain day in and out?  Desire, need, and seeing him happy.  In the case of labial suturing, I get to spend days with a tender cunt, having to be careful of how I wash or use the restroom and each time remembering whose cunt it is.  Each time I move I'm reminded of the experience.  And knowing this makes him happy.  I make sure to let him know it's tender with the occasional "ow" when I get up to do something.  I know he's aware of why I'm saying "ow".  I hold out as long as I can before I beg him to remove the sutures because I don't want to give them up.  I like the control aspect and I like his pleasure at having such simple control over me.

 

I just found out today that he would like to permanently pierce my labia.  I'm somewhat excited about the prospect but am wary, I want it to go well and heal well.  The goal is to gauge them to fit a small eyelet piece of jewelry and there would be four piercings altogether, two on each labia, which he could tie closed once all the healing is completed.  I'm in love with the idea so I'm researching technique, etc.  The good news is we have some local piercers who know their stuff and are willing to share info. :-)

Feeling Like a Fraud

I feel like a fraud now. Like, since I'm not really "living" D/s or M/s I don't belong in any of the online forums I've been frequenting. I don't know where I fit anymore. Maybe I was always a fraud and just didn't know it.

How do I find my way through all of this? Who can I talk to? I don't know anyone that has the situation I have. Sure people can give relationship advice but honestly, I know the right and wrong things to do in relationships. That's not my problem. My problem is I still have the relationships but they've turned VANILLA and I'm not turning with them. How do I live like this? Do I go out and find another Dom? Yeah, I need another one of those like I need a hole in my head. In other words I don't need a new relationship, I want to fix the ones I have but I don't even know where to start because the problem isn't with me, it's with them. Their own personal issues that are getting in the way. I just get to sit here and dangle while they go through the motions. It makes me angry.

My sister tells me I can't do the work of both people in the relationship. She's SO right. But, I can't walk away, there's more to the relationships than just M/s, D/s, or SM. I love these men and I KNOW they love me. But I still have needs dammit. I want my Daddy/Master, I want my Sir and I want them NOW. :-(

It's a hurty kinda day and I'm just sad over it all. I've been trying to believe that everything would work itself out eventually if I just kept trying. Disillusionment sucks.

I don't know who or what I am anymore. I guess for now I'm just me, whatever that means.

Lost

I feel like a woman without a country. Rather a slave without a Master, sort of. He's still alive and well physically but the Master in him is in hiding, the Daddy in him died a long time ago. I've been struggling for a long time now but just kept my head down and kept on keeping on.

Today a text from Sir sent me over the edge, it sort of lanced the growing wound of anger, hurt, loss, and sadness. It all poured out at him, all my hurt and anger over having very little of his time and being a very, very small priority in his life. And all the feelings of loss and pain over not having the Master and Daddy in my life that I need and love so much.

I feel lost, drifting, alone yet not. I've become so service-oriented that I don't know how else to live. I need control in my life, I need someone to serve, I need SM, I need, I need, I need. I'm too needy.

I go back to work tomorrow and I'm worried about how that's going to go. I'm sick with it. Despite having my implant reprogrammed and my meds changed, I still can't do much without pain. I want to keep hoping that I'm still healing and that it will get better. But I'm scared that I won't be able to sit for even the four hours I'm scheduled to work without pain.

I'm miserable and unhappy today. Sometimes I think it's my own doing, I have all these needs and expectations and then I get hurt when they're not met. Duh! Quit needing and expecting and you'll be fine, right?

Funk-y

I've been in a funk for a while now. I had the surgery, technically it was successful. No infection, good healing, the implant is operating as it should.

However, I feel like I'm worse off now than I was before. I can't sit, stand, or walk for more than 30 minutes without pain that starts at my tailbone and works its way up toward my shoulder blades and down the backs of my legs to my toes. All this despite the spinal cord stimulator that is supposed to alleviate the butt/leg/foot pain.

I spent two hours sitting at a visitation/funeral yesterday and the rest of the day/night and most of today in pain as a result. I'm frustrated, angry, and scared. I don't know how I'm going to manage to work, much less try to live my life. My pain doc's nurse said "You're just over a month from surgery, give it time." How much time?? How much agony do I have to put up with before something freaking works?! Shouldn't I be improving? I'm not. I've hit this point and I don't seem to be moving past it. I've been at this point for the last two to three weeks and it just isn't getting any better. This leads me to wonder if this is it, if this is the best I can hope for.

Oh me of little faith, I know. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I want something to go right just once. I want to be as active as I was two years ago, I want to feel as good as I did then. I want to have a happy medium again so I can be active yet know my limits and work within them. This, this just doesn't work for me and I'm really bummed.

On The Other Side

So, I survived surgery. Go me! The first day was awful but each day I see improvement, the muscles are relaxing and aren't spasming as much. The incisions burn a little but it isn't like I'm not familiar with that type of pain so it's minor compared to the muscle spasms.

I'm trying hard to be a good girl and not overdo things despite feeling like I can do more when all the meds are on board and keeping much of the pain at bay. It isn't easy, just lying around doing next to nothing and having people wait on you when you're accustomed to being the waiter instead of being the waitee.

I'm not allowed to drive for at least three weeks, and not allowed to be a passenger for at least two weeks. That leaves me housebound, which really bites.

I have so many plans, so many things I want to do. I'm ready to get on with my life and yes, I'm slightly impatient to do so.

The prognosis is good, the surgery did go very well, and my nurses were extremely impressed with the sutures. I have to say, they are unlike any I've ever seen before, they're very detailed and precise. I hope this means the scaring will be minimal.

My libido was on hold due to not feeling very well but now that I'm starting to feel better it's coming back full bore and Alan is very adamant that we're not having sex until I'm healed. That's going to be a super long time. I'm going to grow cobwebs down there!

I'm anxious about how we're going to have to adapt our play so I'm impatient to talk with my surgeon about living with the implant but I won't see him for another five weeks or so. Not that I'll be up for playing before then anyway, but still, I want to know what goes on the "Don't" list. I hope not too many things. Alan and I just found the perfect gloves for our boxing play. I'd be sad if we couldn't do that anymore. I'd really miss the punching play we do too. Oh well, it's an unmanageable right now so there's no use worrying about it.

In the meantime, there's GOT to be a safe way to have sex that won't jar my back. *grins*

Extremes

I seem to be moving toward more extreme types of play.  Last night I practically begged Alan to pierce my labia and sew them shut.  Today I want a series of piercings along my labia that can be locked shut.

 

He did pierce me and, using fishing line, stitched one area shut.  I love the way it feels, restrictive, constantly present.  I can't forget it's there no matter what I do.  I'm torn between riding an endorphin high that hasn't gone away, and a bit of drop from the heavy playing we did Saturday night.  I'm also feeling a bit frantic, as if I've got to experience everything I can right away.  It's a bit like sub frenzy but with a sense of urgency as if I am running out of time.

 

Last week I felt a sense of relief and purpose, this week I'm just frenzied and I have nowhere to spend all this energy because I'm tied to a freaking chair and a phone having to repeat the same stuff over and over again to different people.

 

 

Impatient

So, I saw the surgeon yesterday.  He gave me a surgery date.  May 29th, exactly two weeks from today.  I feel panicky, I want to get all the paperwork done NOW.  I want to get the time off approved NOW.  I want to get the surgery over with NOW.  I want to be recovered NOW.  I know, I know, patience is a virtue.

 

There will be lots of changes afterwards, some good, some sad, but it's all a trade off.  I have to give up some things in order to gain pain relief and increased energy.

 

I'm scared, no doubt about it.  The surgeon wanted to be sure he impressed upon me how serious this surgery is and he was successful.

 

I have so much to do and I don't know where to start.  Blah!  I hate major surgery.

Who's That Girl?

What is it about verbal humiliation that hit my hot buttons?  Is it because it was so new to me?  Or am I really kinked for that?

 

I just don't know and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.  Sunday's verbal humiliation really helped to strip me down to my slave-self, nothing else existed.  I wasn't thinking about my physical pain, the things that were stressing me out, or even the impropriety of any of it.  I was simply reacting and accepting.

 

Some part of me likes to be verbally humiliated, as evidenced in the e-mail I wrote to Alan telling him I wanted to produce more milk for him and be his "milk cow".  Just reading what I've typed here has me shaking my head and blushing.  I can't believe those are my thoughts and desires and that I'm actually articulating them.  It's so contrary to who I am in many ways.  I'm usually quiet, reserved, and very controlled.  I keep a lot of my deep dark desires to myself.  I'm also usually overly sensitive to humiliation.  Yet here I am talking about them, I've mentioned them to Alan, and I've happily accepted his verbal humiliation and thanked him for it.

 

I THANKED him for everything he did on Sunday.  I was grateful.  Instead of focusing on the fact that he was tormenting me I was focused on the fact that he did wash me and he bathed himself, thus giving me a clean body to lick and suck on at his command.

 

I'm just trying to figure out who this girl is that seems to be taking over my body.  I think this is linked to the growth spurt I wrote about in an earlier post.  I'm finally learning, I think, how to really surrender myself to him and I'm finding a joy and peace in it that I didn't know could exist.  I just hope he doesn't stop or let us lose momentum.  I think this is good, I think it's a good foward movement for us.