Have you ever heard it said that if you lose one sense the others become stronger to make up for the loss?
Well, i'm not sure it's quite like that but the other senses do become more acute.
Mark and i tried some sensory deprivation yesterday and it was such a breakthrough in many ways for me. Ever since i can remember i've been panicked beyond reason about not being able to see what's coming at me.
When i'm in the shower shampooing my hair or washing my face i won't allow Alan to come in or at the very least, he can't open the curtain or touch me until i can see. i'm too vulnerable when i can't see and being vulnerable in the past wasn't a good thing.
Yesterday i willingly made myself vulnerable and gave control of my body to Mark. i didn't freak out once, didn't even feel a twinge of panic. He took excellent care of me. What amazed me was that even though i couldn't see Him i could sense His proximity to me. He didn't say one word after He put the headphones on me. It was a silent dance of pleasure and pain between Dom and sub. With touches of His hands i knew what He wanted me to do, where He wanted me to move.
i'm eager to do some blindfold training to become even more comfortable with it and i think my Lady would like to do that with me. With her help i think i will overcome this irrational fear of being vulnerable that i have.
i guess in some ways being blindfolded is similar to a trust game i've seen played where one person will have to allow themselves to fall backwards trusting one or more others to catch them. i've never played this game, in the past there's no way i could trust that much. Now, maybe if i knew the people well enough. What's changed? me. i've laid a lot of demons to rest in the past year that had continued to haunt me. This is not to say that i don't occasionally experience a trigger here and there. But i'm in control and the triggers have gotten a whole lot weaker and some have disappeared altogether.
Life is good even when it's stressful.
