I'm A Witch!

No, really, a W-itch.  It's not a euphemism for the B-word.

I'm a currently non-practicing Pagan/Witch/Person with intentions to change that.  I've just been accepted into an online teaching Coven run by a former Coven mate from years past.  I'm excited that they accepted me!

I am hoping to learn more, improve my practice, and get back in touch with my spirituality.  I am older, wiser, and more grounded than I was when I earned my first degree as a priestess.  I have been questing since early on to find out what my spirituality was, to give it a name, a flavor... to really define it.  I don't know if I really need to label it.  I know what it is and Witch or Pagan are good catch all terms for it.

Are you a good Witch or a bad Witch?  -Glenda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz

It's all in one's intent really.  I'm just a Witch, a woman who wants to practice her spirituality, find where her Witchy talents lie and hone those skills.

Classes start soon and I hope I'm not too rusty and can remember how to be an active student.

Ketchup

Well,

Here we are again, me having been gone a while and trying to catch up.

Life has been full of ups and downs and I'm learning to move up and down with them.  Not easy to live with.

I don't know where I left off so I'll just hit the highlights.  I've been diagnosed bipolar with medication resistant depression, panic/anxiety disorder, and emotional intensity disorder.  Some days are better than others.  The medication side effects are an adventure in ugh.

Alan/Dominus and I are trying to build a new D/s relationship for ourselves.  The relationship seems to be going along well and building upon itself with little effort.  I have no complaints about our relationship.  I feel fulfilled in submitting to Dominus.

The problem I do have is a lack of kink socialization, no kink play at all, and still this stupid need to have another love in my life.  I want my old love back.  We have part of a lifetime together and he and Alan got on famously.  They both loved me well.  I don't know if I can, or want to, find another love.  They won't be him and I want him.

Then again, Alan and I haven't talked about this.  He may not allow me another friend/kinky play/lover again.  I don't know yet how to feel about that possibility.  I just considered it as a possibility.

I am trying to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't have.  But the reality is I feel isolated, I feel like I will never have SM play again.  I feel like I'll never get to try the kink things I'd been planning to try with the person who came after my former love, Sir, whatever.  I have two brand spanking new toys I had bought to be used on me that I doubt I will ever feel.  I'd had a multi-cane toy that had been sitting in my closet for the better part of a year before someone finally used it on me.  It makes me sad that it was neither of my men who used it.

I'm having to give up certain things in order to take care of my mental health.  I know it's for my own good and I know it's important that I do it but in the long run which is worse?  Better mental health or low quality of life?

I'm facing this same question regarding libido and ability to orgasm.  Take the medication and have more stable moods and no libido or orgasms, or don't take the medication have libido and orgasms and probably be mentally worse off, maybe lose my family or my freedom in the process.  sigh

Other than that, I'm ecstatic.  Really it isn't as bleak as all that.  Those are just snippets of the whole.

My former lover is my current friend.  It is difficult sometimes but I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not in my life at all.  We have three interesting grown children, and three amazing granddaughters.

Dominus has taken an interest in decorating his submissive.  He hasn't taken me officially as his submissive or anything else, we're taking baby steps together and I like that.  But he is enjoying decorating me and dressing me in ways that please him.  Since I cannot work he is starting to let me have facial piercings that he feels are feminine and enhance my looks.  I love it.  I'm his Teddy Bear too, whenever he feels like it he will tell me to come cuddle when he is in bed.  I love being Dominus's Teddy Bear.  I also love the privilege of greeting him at the door every morning after he gets off work.  After that I am allowed to clean out his lunch box.

I am going to start belly dancing class tomorrow night so I can entertain Dominus with my dancing.  Plus, I just enjoy belly dance, it makes me feel sexy.

I'm taking an intensive behavior modification class to help me learn to manage the emotional intensity and my outlook is starting to change a little bit.  I still wish there was a cure.

 

New Beginnings?

We shall see if that is truly what is happening.  I've left the CIPEX group as has The Boss.  I feel as if I am persona non gratis there and he is hugely offended by the way I've been treated over the years.  He decides to step up and defend me once, in his own way-responding to the original poster in kind, and I get backhanded for it by those who have taken issue with a post I wrote venting and in defense of people I called friends.  Overall I am disillusioned and feel extremely unwelcome by this group that I called home for about 12+ years.

Yep, I was wrong for posting my post.  Rule #1 don't say anything people don't want to hear, they'll flame you and curse you out for it while plugging their ears or putting on blindfolds.  Don't be blunt and brutally honest for the same reasons.  Don't vent anger or frustrations, same reasons.  Don't say anything that anyone could possibly take offense to, candy coat it for them, for the same reasons above.  Beyond that don't offend people, they don't like it and will take their friendship and go home if you do.

Yes I'm angry and I'm well aware that it's showing.  This is MY place to say whatever I want to say, please don't read if you're offended.

Some people I counted as friends have little support for me and are making it clear that they feel as the others feel, I'm not good for the group.  I get the message loud and clear folks.  No need to continue to rub my nose in it as if I were an ignorant dog incapable of getting it the first time.

I am so done with that group that I was ready to shut down MY group so I didn't have to deal with them at all.  But no, they don't get to have that kind of power over me.

I will run my group until such time as I feel it has run its course.  If you don't want to participate that's your loss, I'll miss you and the friendship I thought we had.

LAUNCHED!!

Okay, maybe I'm a little more excited about this than I should be.  LoL!

I have created the blog I spoke about in my last post.  My journal, chronicling my journey and progress as a slave-in-training as I work my way through Mr. Jack Rinella's book Becoming A Slave

You can find my new blog here Joy's Slave Training Journey 

I hope you will follow me and read what I share there as well. :-)

Starting Over

It's been a bit since I've had anything to write.  I was in such a fog, embroiled in the chaos of mental illness and loss.  It took a long time to find acceptance of life as it is now.  One big lesson I've learned is this: life is always in flux and you have to be accepting of change.  It will happen whether you want it to or not.  I'm not change friendly but we're learning to at least be civil to each other.

My former Sir, we'll call him S, is still my friend.  We still love each other and we're taking things one day at a time.  We're learning to relate (at least I am) to each other in a different way.  I did him and myself a huge disservice when we talked about creating a M/s relationship together.  I failed to ask him his view of M/s, what he wanted in a slave, and what he saw as our future as a M/s couple.  I also failed to take the time to know myself and know what I wanted in a master, in a M/s relationship, and what I had to offer.  My biggest failure?  I became all the negative things I believed were true about me and I stopped obeying.

I made the same horrible mistake with the Boss/husband and it took me backing out of the relationship, taking off the collar, and a lot of other gut wrenching, painful crap to get to where I'm at now.  Learning to surrender, to submit, and to obey.  I'm not making the same mistake twice, neither is the Boss, we are building a strong foundation for all aspects of our relationship, not just the M/s.  This time around he is the Boss and I'm so happy I could cry.  I'm getting to know him again, and learning to relate to him as my husband and the man who will hopefully own me again.

The painful crap was necessary for this rebirth, and I really believe that is what this is, a rebirth of me, of him, of us, and of our entire relationship.  One doesn't get second chances often and I can't believe I am so blessed to have this, these, chance(s).

I truly believed the Boss and S would stop loving me through one of the darkest times in my life and I did everything I could to prove that I was right.  I didn't believe they could really love me in the first place because I knew I was unlovable.  I was verbally abusive to them both and I beat up on them emotionally when I was in the depths of my illness, I was sabotaging my own relationships.  It isn't easy to admit this to myself, to them, or to you folks.  I wasn't a good person, I was toxic.  When S released me I started my journey to rock bottom.  It was a Cosmic 2x4, a wake-up call.  If I'd continued on as I was I would have lost S as a friend, the Boss as my husband, and possibly mySelf.  It was truly a dark night of the soul for all of us.


Today I feel.  I mean I really feel.  I'm stronger for the experiences, I've found my "muchness" again and I'm very much me.  I believe I am a woman worth pursuing because my muchness is there for all to see.  That isn't to say I don't still have bad days, I do.  I'm just taking things one day at a time, one minute at a time if I have to.  I have new challenges, as well as old challenges, to get through.  But I'm starting to be able to see that I'll be okay, I can do it, and I can handle it.  Why?  Because I am capable.

I don't need a master to coddle and protect me like some wilting flower, I can stand on my own two feet.  I need a master because I must serve another, I am built to do so.  I come from a position of strength, and that's the only way one can successfully surrender to another.  A weak woman cannot serve, surrender, or submit.

Holding Pattern

7/16/07

Right now we're living in a holding pattern. I sent my supervisor a detailed e-mail last week about my situation and the need for surgery. She forwarded it on to our manager and we were to talk about it this week. Unfortunately he had a family tragedy come up this week and has been out of the office all week. So, I'm waiting to find out if I'll lose my job if I have surgery before I've worked here a full year.

-----update 7/20/07------

It's the following week and I'm set to speak with my manager tomorrow about my situation. I'm nervous about getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. The pessimist in me says that tomorrow he's going to tell me that it'd be better to wait until I've worked here a year.

-----update 7/24/07-----

Well, we met this morning and I've got the green light to get started planning for surgery. I was really surprised at the reception I got. They like me, they like the work I do, and they really appreciate me. I felt my head swelling larger and larger with each compliment. lol


Actually it did feel good to get that kind of praise. I do work very hard and push myself to work hard even when I'm in pain or having a horrible day.


So, no more waiting to find out if I can start planning. Now it's waiting to get appointments made and paperwork filled out. Yippee! Yeah, that's me excited about painful tests and excruciating paperwork. What I'm really excited about is the possibility of FINALLY getting my back fixed! I want to have a life again. I want to be able to do something on the weekends other than lay around, sleep, and be in pain. I want to enjoy my evenings with my family instead of eating dinner and passing out in front of the TV. I want to have more sex with my Master instead of putting it off because I'm exhausted or in pain. The same goes for SM play too. I really miss SM, I miss serving in ways other than bringing home a paycheck.


These past several months have been rough and Master has worked hard to prevent me from dwelling on the negatives. We've got a lot of hard work ahead of us still but hopefully we'll see a day where my pain is at least drastically reduced, if not eliminated altogether.


----Update 7/25/07-----

On 8/9/07 I will have a discogram (really isn't as fun as it may sound) and then will be referred on to speak with a surgeon. It finally hit me yesterday after I made the appointment. It's real. I'm really going to do this, no more talking about it. I had a few moments of panic, more than a few really. I felt sick to my stomach and trapped. I just wanted to run home and curl up on the couch with my favorite blankie and watch Shrek. The panic passed and I started focusing on planning and getting the ducks all in a row with insurance, etc.

Last night, in bed, Master and I talked about the possibilities. I shared my fears and it felt good to say them out loud. I'm terrified of something going horribly wrong and ending up in a wheelchair. I'm also scared that we're going to find out that the nerve damage is more extensive once the pressure on the nerves is relieved. Master still thinks I'm focusing on the negatives but I hope he understands, at least a little bit, that I'm just trying to be realistic. The things I'm afraid of are real possibilities, even if some are remote. Given my track record and health, I don't seem to have the best of luck so yes, I do think about what could go wrong.

Master did make a good point, one I don't like but is no less true, my back pain issues are my fault to some degree. As Master says, "your body is a temple and yours has been littered". I can accept and own that. I guess it's time to clean up the temple a bit, redecorate, maybe a little landscaping too. That's what this surgery will mean for me, it is a step toward changing my landscape (weight, physical fitness).

On Hiatus

Due to unimaginable circumstances I'm taking a short break from blogging publicly. The things I have to write about right now are too private, too raw, to share just yet. I don't know if I will ever share here, that will be up to Master as it's more his loss than mine.

Life is a gift, celebrate it, enjoy it, and don't put anything off until tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes.

Necessity

I hate having to do this. I thought it was something that was just understood, you know? Recent events have led to the necessity of spelling it out in plain English.

So, here it is.

All writing on this site is copyrighted material, do not take posts from this site and post them anywhere else without giving proper credit, including a link back to the page it came from.

Thank you for your understanding and consideration in this matter.

Joy

*Edit- I've disabled right clicking and text highlighting. I don't know if I'll keep it but for now it makes me feel better. I realize this won't stop the truly determined but short of password protecting my blog, which I'd really hate to have to do, I'm willing to try just about anything that might help. Sorry for any inconvenience this might cause. Do let me know if it causes any hassles, I can't think of any off the top of my head but that's not surprising. ;-)

HumDrum

There just isn't much going on right now, and that's not a bad thing. I've had to quit school for now, I wrote about that on my other blog and won't rehash it here. Since I've got no reason to continue working evenings right now Master wants me to work days. I'm rather fond of the idea myself, I'm sick to death of being gone when my family is home. I had two days off last week and really enjoyed being here to take care of him in the evening and getting to spend time with my family. I'd much prefer that to be a regular occurrence than the occasional treat it has been for the past year.

I think if I were able to be home in the evenings I could perform more service for him. It's really difficult to cram everything into an hour and a half, we try to catch up on each others' day, talk about household stuff, spend time together, eat dinner, and have sex; all while both of us are just aching to go to sleep. There are things I want to do for him that just won't fit into that tiny time slot. I'd love to give him a pedicure every night, do the dishes, cook dinner, and whatever else he can think up for me to do. I really miss being a housewife. It's ironic, while I was a housewife I didn't much enjoy it and wanted something different and now that I've got that something else, I want nothing more but to be able to care for his home and be here to greet him with a smile when he gets home from work.

I was a different person before, when I didn't appreciate being a housewife. I believe I've grown a lot since then, I've definitely grown in my submission. So, we have to find a balance again. See if we can't get me working during the day so I can be here in the evenings with him. I just have to be patient, I've put in the applications and now it's up to the places I've applied with to decide if I match what they're looking for.