Much More Muchier

I used to feel much more muchier than I do now.  I feel like I've lost my muchness.  I don't feel like me anymore.  There's a distinct lack of passion for most all areas of my life.  That is not me, it isn't the me I used to be and want to be again.

I'm doing my husband and Owner a huge disservice with neglect to his feelings and needs.  I don't know how to meet his needs when I have no desire for those things and, in fact, go into a panic thinking about it.  How can I be doing this to him?  I love him and I want to make him happier than he is now.  I know my neglecting him is contributing to his unhappiness.  Gods know I don't want us to fall into being a sexless couple forever and ever.

Other than going completely off meds, I don't know what else to do.  I know the meds are to blame, everything physical checks out as normal.  We talked today, he tells me going off meds is not an option.  I got the impression that divorce would follow if I went off meds and back to the manic freak I was.  The thing is, I'm afraid divorce could follow extended neglect.

I'm scared that my brain is changed forever, that the meds have ruined everything and that this person is who I will always be now.  I don't like this person.  I didn't like the manic me either but at least I had passion and desire.  I LIVED.  Now I just seem to exist.

I'm having a hard time feeling attached or bound to anyone but the people I live with.  Even then, I like being alone more often than not because I don't have the stress of their needs and feeling like a failure because I can't seem to meet them.

WHY does there have to be such an expensive trade off?  It feels like a punishment.  I've lost my life, I've lost myself.

Sick

I am sick with stress.  I'm sick knowing I have lost friends due to my own behavior or X's trust breaching.  I am sick with feeling I cannot trust anyone because they choose to be sheeple and not ask my side of it.  Dominus says they've shown their true colors and to be done with them.  But it hurts and it still makes me sick.

I want to be part of the group again, not an outsider looking in.  I guess I did that myself by taking a hiatus, you lose your standing as a valuable anything if you take time to take care of yourself.  You lose your standing too when you've got jackals at your back sharing only the choicest bits of what you've said, the bits out of context that will make you look like a horrid person.  They leave out the things they've said or done.  They leave out the bits that would prove them untrustworthy.  But no, let's not ask questions, it's so much easier to swallow everything they say, hook, line, and sinker.

It hurts but what can you do?  People will believe what they choose to believe.  It's much easier than thinking for yourself.

I am sick, I want closure, I want people to fess up, to be honest.  I want people to think for themselves and wonder if maybe they should ask me to see what I have to say.  I guess that's asking too much.

Veritas et Aequitas.  It's in my skin, it's what I believe in, and it's what I deserve.

Don't Want to Quit

I don't know how to get you to hear me or listen to me.  There is never a good time to try to talk to you.  You say you want to practice getting inside someone's head but you don't need practice, you're in mine.  Silent treatment fucks my head all up, can't you see that?

You haven't given me a chance to show that I can give during play since you told me I don't.

I do have consideration for you beyond what I want.  I am sorry I can't remain silent when it feels like I'm losing something important to me...I need to fight to keep it, beg for it, plead my case.

Why is it okay to text when you're working when you're not angry with me?

I care about you, I've tried to show it to you, I've tried to be what you want.  I've failed.  Maybe I should roll over and give up silently.

It isn't all about what I want.  It's NOT.  I resent you saying that.  I resent that you won't hear me.

I just want to submit that's all I want and you won't tell me the rules, I'm supposed to learn them on the fly.  I'm supposed to assume that ending a conversation is punishment and guess at how long that is to last.  Give me some breadcrumbs to follow please?

Yearning

I've been without active dominance for a very long time and it's wearing on me.

I have learned to live without it, for the most part. Then I run into someone whose dominance screams at my submission but that isn't quite the arrangement we have.

I yearn for that dominance to be directed toward me. I almost ache for it. He knows but being as dominant as he is... he controls if/how/when things progress. It makes me yearn and ache more. Sometimes I wonder if, knowing this, he uses it somehow. Then I think, "nahhh".

I don't know if he'll ever want to own me.

Often I imagine I'm going to be "Lifestyle single" forever. Unowned. That makes the yearning turn to ache, then to frenzy.

Being frenzied is one of the worst mental places to be (aside from being at some point in mania). You ache, want, need so badly that you'll do just about anything to get what you want and need, to ease that ache. Then someone reminds you that frenzy is unattractive and turns potential dominants off. So you move through and past the frenzy and you're left with only the ache, want, and need.

You want to beg for more play, at least during play you get a little of the dominance you crave. But begging can be unattractive too so you ask and leave it in his hands with hope that he'll want to play and have time to do so.

Sometimes being submissive sucks balls.

FuckUpFailure

I am such a fuck-up and a failure.  I've taken probably ten steps backwards and I don't think I'll get them back.  He says I can earn the right to be posted on his profile but how do I do that?  By what?  Not bothering him?  Not texting?  Not asking him to visit or play?  It hurts..it just plain fucking hurts and there's not a blessed thing I can do about it.  I'm going to lose him because I can't change, I'm not any kind of anything.

Fed Up

I've absolutely had it.  People who call themselves my friend walk away, turn their backs, or just ignore me.  Seriously?  How about we be adult enough to talk about it and formally end the "friendship" instead of playing nice, lying, and pretending to still be my friend!

I'm also sick of the drama caused by psychotic whiney bitches who blame me for their failings.  For fuck's sake, I don't need to compete for a man, I'm not desperate OR pathetic like that.  I was living just fine without a dominant partner.  I wasn't ecstatic but I wasn't despondent either.

Now that I've found one who is willing to explore the darkside with me sure I'm excited but had he said "No, I'm dedicated to X" I would have graciously bowed out.

Crazies/Metnally Ill/Tired

DISCLAIMER: To all my fellow mentally ill peeps, I call mental illness crazy it's a catch-all word without having to go into detail about the particulars or waste time saying it all.

I'm tired of people in general. Not you, not you, you, but not you.

I go along believing I'm crazy and then every now and then someone out-crazies me and I realize that in comparison I am perfectly sane. The perspective is awesome but the experience is wearying.

You cannot reason with a crazy person, logic is a foreign concept, and their reality trumps Reality. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The extremes in behavior almost give you (general you) whiplash.

I hate drama, I really do. I prefer to get along but there are some people out there who just won't get along, they don't want to. It's really saddening, I feel badly for them because they must be extremely miserable.

Keep your good friends close, you (again in general) don't realize how valuable and rare they are until the crazies jump out at you or your own crazy takes hold. sigh

Hmm

I'm not sure what to think, do, or feel at this point.  I saw my doc for a follow-up to the test I had done last week.  Last week the doc said we'd talk today about options because he felt I wasn't a surgical candidate.  Today he gives me a new drug and tells me he's going to run me by the surgeon to see if he'll fuse just one of the discs since he feels it's that disc causing my leg pain.

There are SO many pros and cons to consider.  If I have L5-S1 fused what will happen to L3-L4, which is also bad and causing consistent pain too?  What will happen to the good disc L4-L5?  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know what will help or will make things worse.

Do I try the fusion and hope it doesn't make things worse?  Or do I sit around and just wait for the bad discs to completely disappear and then live with worse pain?  Or will the fusion make the pain worse?

I see the surgeon in a few weeks I guess he'll lay out the the what ifs and will decide if he thinks I'm worth operating on.

I really hate this life sometimes.  This choice is a crapshoot and I won't know until a year or more out if it was the right decision if I do have the surgery.  I've failed every conservative treatment and drug so far.  Good grief, I've been on a neuro drug that sidelines as a treatment for nerve pain and it doesn't help.  I'm on 24/7 pain meds, doesn't help.  I have to try a pain/muscle relaxer drug now and I have no idea what it's going to do, or not do.  I feel like pain and drugs for that pain are in my life forever at this point.  I'm angry, so angry at this.  Why can't it be an easy fix? 

I did accomplish one thing I've been wanting, a handicap parking sign for my car so I don't have far to walk from the store, that's the worst, having to walk forever to my car after having been in the store.  I'm usually near tears by the time I'm walking out of the store, once I get to my car I just fall into it and pull my legs in with my hands.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to earn this pain and suffering.  I know it's a pitypoorme thing but.. really sometimes it feels like I earned it somehow.  I want a reason for why I have this "disease".  Why is my back falling apart?  Why?  Will I ever get my life back?  Even part of it?

Crash and Burn

That's how I feel today.  I'm so down that I just need to sleep it away.  I've had a crap couple of years, recently I'd been trying to find the happiness in just living and was actually succeeding.  I've fallen down again and I'm trying to decide if it's easier trying to get back up or to just stay down here.

Nothing in my life is what it was, what I was comfortable with.  Everything has changed, nothing is the same, predictable, or safe because anything is subject to change at a moment's notice.

I turn 40 in just a month's time and I no longer know who I am.  I am lost in a big way and the dang birds ate my bread crumb trail.

Depression is tapping my shoulder but I'm trying to ignore it.

I was SO angry last night, so resentful, and feeling very let-down.  I guess that was a lot of emotion because my body is exhausted from it all.

I'm absolutely stunned by The Boss's idea that we volunteer with a vanilla group as a substitute for the loss of kinky friends and kinky socialization.  I don't want another place that I have to hide my kink and pretend that we're "just married".  It's bad enough I have to do it at home and in general public.  But now he's asking me to join a group and spend time with people whom I'll have to hide from?  I think he's nuts.  Yes I wanted to volunteer with this group but NOT as a substitute for my kink outlet and certainly NOT as a "night out" with The Boss.  He's lost his ever-loving mind.

I do need time to be all of me not just one tiny part.  I want to be able to BE and ACT like his slave in training.  I want to be lead around on a leash and have it be acceptable, not a freak show.  I want to sit at his feet and again, have that be normal and accepted behavior.  I want to serve him without all eyes on me as if I've sprouted horns.  I can do none of this volunteering for the vanilla group.

I am angry at the past week's events.  I'm angry that I felt I had to choose to leave to reduce my stress and The Boss's stress.  I'm angry that he's not a joiner.  I'm angry that he's constantly prodded me to give up groups.  I'm angry that he dropped an "I told you so" on me when I woke up this morning.  WTF?  I'm seriously angry that he thinks a vanilla group will take the place of my kink life and will be a fulfilling substitute.  I'm angry that there are no other Central Iowa groups to choose from.  One option, which I feel ostracized from and had to quit.

Angry...that's what I feel the most.  Angry that I'm going to be a shut in, a recluse, since I have no outlet for my kink, no social group for human contact.  Isolated.  It sucks.  That's the nicest thing I can say.

Mental Illness NOT Under Control

So my "emotional intensity", as my therapist likes to call it, is out of control just focused in a different direction from my loved ones.  Oh Goody.

I have to ask for a higher dose of the medicine and find out if I can still join the intensive behavior modification group.  I hate being me today.  I neither want, nor need, your sympathy or well-intentioned suggestions or advice.  I just cannot handle needing to be polite and thankful right now.  I know what I am, what I'm not, and what I have to do.

I'm going to end up alone because of this crap because I can't seem to control this thing.  I just want to scream and cry and give someone else this pain because I'm done with it.

New Beginnings?

We shall see if that is truly what is happening.  I've left the CIPEX group as has The Boss.  I feel as if I am persona non gratis there and he is hugely offended by the way I've been treated over the years.  He decides to step up and defend me once, in his own way-responding to the original poster in kind, and I get backhanded for it by those who have taken issue with a post I wrote venting and in defense of people I called friends.  Overall I am disillusioned and feel extremely unwelcome by this group that I called home for about 12+ years.

Yep, I was wrong for posting my post.  Rule #1 don't say anything people don't want to hear, they'll flame you and curse you out for it while plugging their ears or putting on blindfolds.  Don't be blunt and brutally honest for the same reasons.  Don't vent anger or frustrations, same reasons.  Don't say anything that anyone could possibly take offense to, candy coat it for them, for the same reasons above.  Beyond that don't offend people, they don't like it and will take their friendship and go home if you do.

Yes I'm angry and I'm well aware that it's showing.  This is MY place to say whatever I want to say, please don't read if you're offended.

Some people I counted as friends have little support for me and are making it clear that they feel as the others feel, I'm not good for the group.  I get the message loud and clear folks.  No need to continue to rub my nose in it as if I were an ignorant dog incapable of getting it the first time.

I am so done with that group that I was ready to shut down MY group so I didn't have to deal with them at all.  But no, they don't get to have that kind of power over me.

I will run my group until such time as I feel it has run its course.  If you don't want to participate that's your loss, I'll miss you and the friendship I thought we had.

Stress!!!

As if there isn't enough to keep my mind doing the dance of insanity, I have a boatload of stress.  I want/need catharsis for stress relief and release.  I need it to move beyond all this crap that I've been storing up for so long.

I need to be reduced to a limp, crying mess, curled on the floor around his feet.  Only then will I be able to let go and cry out all the yucky feelings and thoughts.

To some people this may seem extreme, unhealthy, or whatever.  Everyone has their way of managing stress, normally I don't need catharsis but when things have piled up as they have I do need it.  This is my 'OMG!' stress relief/release.

I'd beg for catharsis if we had time and space to do it.  Too bad we have one child still at home.  It's difficult to let go when you have to hold back every cry, groan, and scream.  It's even more difficult when the tools to be used for catharsis would be too loud and would be heard.  In light of this he let me do some creative cuttings tonight.  It helps to take a little of the edge off but it won't last for long, unfortunately.  But I get some pretty and colorful designs out of it.

Fair Chances?

I feel like my 'crazy' behavior has screwed everything up to the point that The Boss and S aren't able to give me a fair chance and won't ever be able to, despite verbal reassurances that they will.  They both jump on me every time I say something, they view my every word or behavior through negative filters all from the past.  It may be recent and yes it's my fault, but I need a fair chance if I'm going to make it.  Having my past behaviors thrown back at me or used to beat me down is going to keep me spiraling down.

When you're given the message that you're not worthy and haven't changed and won't change, over a long enough period of time it becomes your truth.  In my case I begin to question the sense in continuing to try to get some control of the 'crazy' or trying to have relationships with either of them.  Sometimes my give-a-damn is busted and I just want to quit.  Yeah I know, sappy, whiny, poor me. Suck it up, walk it off, just deal with it. That works well; not.

I am feeling bad about me today.  I've been in a downward spiral for a couple of days. The negative reactions from The Boss and S, plus possible back surgery, plus a definite move to an apartment that won't hold half the stuff we have is all tearing me up.  It's almost overwhelming.  I'm officiating at my sister's vow renewal at the beginning of July, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it if I have back surgery, the first month is spent laying sown, no sitting, standing, or activity.  I'll need a gurney to even be there.

I've hit that emotional wall and I can't take any more.  I am feeling depressed and like all the cards are stacked against me.  The Boss and S were the biggest part of my mental health support team, I think I've lost that from them.  In addition to everything else it's just another drop in the bucket of crap hanging over me.

How can I get a fair chance?  If I can't get that chance how can even I begin to prove myself to them?  Whenever I bring this up with either of them it ends in a fight of some sort, and somehow I'm always wrong.  My perceptions are incorrect, it's all in my imagination, etc.  In other words, since it isn't their truth it isn't true.  Talk about a mindf*ck for a crazy person who doubts her own thoughts, memories, and reality already.  The mother pulled this same crap on me and I still don't know if what I remember is real.  It's a real crappy thing to do to someone, that's for certain. :-(

Low

Today is a low day. I think to call it depression would be wrong, because it's not that kind of low.

Hopelessness, yes I feel that. But mostly just tired. I did my chore and have to exercise as promised to Sir. If I had not had the "to do" from Sir and from Master, I would not do. I would sit like a lump on the couch and watch Baz Lurhman's Romeo & Juliet over and over. I'm fixated on the movie today and if I could explain it I would.

"Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.2

I understand how she feels.

I do not want to exercise. I do not want to move. I do not want to cook dinner, I feel like the house drudgery slave, not in service to my Master but the house. There is no joy in this type of service. I cannot seem to find any joy in the day. I woke angry and took it out on Master. I don't care how understanding he is, it isn't fair to him. I don't think my crazy is under control.

If I have to smell the scent of cooked or uncooked chicken again I may just scream.

I'm off to do the rest of my "to do" or to at least contemplate doing it. But if I don't do it I will have to tell on myself and I don't want to do yet another disappointing thing.

Angsty, Cranky, and Frustrated

I know, beyond a doubt, that this will come across as selfish on my part. But this is my blog and I get to vent my frustrations over lack of needs being met if I want to. So nyah.

I have the two most wonderful men in the World who love me and want to see me happy. I'm grateful for them being in my life and wouldn't change that, ever.

But one's path has diverged from the path we were on and SM isn't in the cards for some time, if ever again. Definitely not to the edges we used to love playing on as far as I know.

The other has no real need for SM so is quite happy to go without it.

Here I am in the middle, masochist with a voracious appetite feeling like I'm starving to death. Sometimes I am almost willing to risk injury just to get that need met. Talk about stupid and unhealthy thinking.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off trying to kill off the masochist, I just don't know how one goes about doing that. It's not like I can turn it off with a flick of a switch. If I could I would, believe me. I'm tired of being frustrated. I don't even get orgasms because either my business downstairs has chosen that moment to be dysfunctional, or I'm too busy worrying about time and then the downstairs business goes dysfunctional and I quit in frustration and irritation.

I guess I've got a double whammy going on in the frustration department. I should just suck it up and deal with it and quit complaining.

Things used to work and I don't know where it all went pear-shaped. It just stopped working one day. Maybe it was the path divergence, maybe it was me, I don't know. I just know I'm miserable and frustrated and feel desperate to fix it somehow.

Feeling Like a Fraud

I feel like a fraud now. Like, since I'm not really "living" D/s or M/s I don't belong in any of the online forums I've been frequenting. I don't know where I fit anymore. Maybe I was always a fraud and just didn't know it.

How do I find my way through all of this? Who can I talk to? I don't know anyone that has the situation I have. Sure people can give relationship advice but honestly, I know the right and wrong things to do in relationships. That's not my problem. My problem is I still have the relationships but they've turned VANILLA and I'm not turning with them. How do I live like this? Do I go out and find another Dom? Yeah, I need another one of those like I need a hole in my head. In other words I don't need a new relationship, I want to fix the ones I have but I don't even know where to start because the problem isn't with me, it's with them. Their own personal issues that are getting in the way. I just get to sit here and dangle while they go through the motions. It makes me angry.

My sister tells me I can't do the work of both people in the relationship. She's SO right. But, I can't walk away, there's more to the relationships than just M/s, D/s, or SM. I love these men and I KNOW they love me. But I still have needs dammit. I want my Daddy/Master, I want my Sir and I want them NOW. :-(

It's a hurty kinda day and I'm just sad over it all. I've been trying to believe that everything would work itself out eventually if I just kept trying. Disillusionment sucks.

I don't know who or what I am anymore. I guess for now I'm just me, whatever that means.

Lost

I feel like a woman without a country. Rather a slave without a Master, sort of. He's still alive and well physically but the Master in him is in hiding, the Daddy in him died a long time ago. I've been struggling for a long time now but just kept my head down and kept on keeping on.

Today a text from Sir sent me over the edge, it sort of lanced the growing wound of anger, hurt, loss, and sadness. It all poured out at him, all my hurt and anger over having very little of his time and being a very, very small priority in his life. And all the feelings of loss and pain over not having the Master and Daddy in my life that I need and love so much.

I feel lost, drifting, alone yet not. I've become so service-oriented that I don't know how else to live. I need control in my life, I need someone to serve, I need SM, I need, I need, I need. I'm too needy.

I go back to work tomorrow and I'm worried about how that's going to go. I'm sick with it. Despite having my implant reprogrammed and my meds changed, I still can't do much without pain. I want to keep hoping that I'm still healing and that it will get better. But I'm scared that I won't be able to sit for even the four hours I'm scheduled to work without pain.

I'm miserable and unhappy today. Sometimes I think it's my own doing, I have all these needs and expectations and then I get hurt when they're not met. Duh! Quit needing and expecting and you'll be fine, right?

Funk-y

I've been in a funk for a while now. I had the surgery, technically it was successful. No infection, good healing, the implant is operating as it should.

However, I feel like I'm worse off now than I was before. I can't sit, stand, or walk for more than 30 minutes without pain that starts at my tailbone and works its way up toward my shoulder blades and down the backs of my legs to my toes. All this despite the spinal cord stimulator that is supposed to alleviate the butt/leg/foot pain.

I spent two hours sitting at a visitation/funeral yesterday and the rest of the day/night and most of today in pain as a result. I'm frustrated, angry, and scared. I don't know how I'm going to manage to work, much less try to live my life. My pain doc's nurse said "You're just over a month from surgery, give it time." How much time?? How much agony do I have to put up with before something freaking works?! Shouldn't I be improving? I'm not. I've hit this point and I don't seem to be moving past it. I've been at this point for the last two to three weeks and it just isn't getting any better. This leads me to wonder if this is it, if this is the best I can hope for.

Oh me of little faith, I know. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I want something to go right just once. I want to be as active as I was two years ago, I want to feel as good as I did then. I want to have a happy medium again so I can be active yet know my limits and work within them. This, this just doesn't work for me and I'm really bummed.

Justice

Two families, two different viewpoints. On the one side there is much celebration and relief, justice has finally been served. On the other side there is sadness and a sense of loss, it doesn't feel like justice to them.

Today the jury came back with a unanimous decision of guilty in the first degree for our Jamey's murderer. He tried to weasel out of it, tried to claim self-defense, tried and failed. Our family has mixed feelings, on the one hand we're pleased with the verdict, on the other hand we still wish there had never been a need for it at all. Finding Eric Miller guilty of killing our Jamey won't undo what was done, it won't bring Jamey back to us no matter how much we may wish it. What I'm looking for in this verdict is closure. It's finally "over", his killer won't get away with it, he won't kill another innocent person, and I can move on through the grieving process.

I feel so much lighter in spirit this afternoon than I have in the past year. Relieved, released from the bondage of grief, reveling in this new sense of rightness.

I don't celebrate at the expense of his family, I don't wish them ill. But their Eric does belong in prison, taking responsibility for the cold-blooded and calculated murder he performed. He devastated our family, I know his own family is hurting too, they're bewildered by why or how he could do such a thing. But, isn't that always the way it goes? Those closest to a killer swear up and down that they're innocent, they'd never suspect him/her of doing such evil things, s/he would be the last person on Earth to do despicable acts to animals or other human beings. Yet, your loved one is capable of evil deeds. We all are, it's part of our human nature, what makes us good or bad people is how we decide to handle those darker urges. What we do with them.

Master doesn't always understand my compassion for others, even those who have wronged me. I just have no place in my heart for hatred anymore. What purpose does it serve? It makes me ill with constant anger, discontent, and thirsting for vengeance. Vengeance won't undo the deed, it won't return lost loved ones, all it does is hurt another human being and gives me more karma to burn off. It's a waste of energy in this girl's book.

To Eric's family, I'm sorry your son did what he did and I'm sorry for the loss you're feeling. However, I am overjoyed for our family, overjoyed that justice, as we see it, has been served. I feel hopeful again, hopeful about the future, and about life in general.

Scared

Today is the day. I see the surgeons and I'm scared. I'm scared they'll say no to surgery and I'm scared they'll say yes. One answer will crush my hopes and the other will terrify me to my core. In just a few short hours I will know one way or the other if I'll be having surgery. I hope too that I'll know when if they decide to do it. I should be working on my list of questions to ask them but my mind is blank. All I can do is sit here, do my work, and hope I can remain calm enough to make it through the work day.

I'm at once impatient and not. I'd like time to go by so I can get this over with. Much like a band-aid, just rip it off so it's over quickly. I've done so much waiting that I'm tired of it but it doesn't seem like such a bad thing this morning.

I can't help but worry about how surgery will change my life, both bad and good. Success or failure, my life will be forever changed as will the lives of my partners in the way they relate to me.

Master and I haven't been Master and slave in much more than name for far too long. Of course he still has the final say and I still obey him but I don't serve much, he doesn't ask much, and he doesn't hold me accountable very often. A failed surgery and that may become a permanent situation. The thought of that possibility fills me with despair and I shy away from the thoughts.

A successful surgery should improve things, I should be able to serve him as I once did, I should have a lot less pain and would then be able for SM play again. I'm afraid to hope.