Crash and Burn

That's how I feel today.  I'm so down that I just need to sleep it away.  I've had a crap couple of years, recently I'd been trying to find the happiness in just living and was actually succeeding.  I've fallen down again and I'm trying to decide if it's easier trying to get back up or to just stay down here.

Nothing in my life is what it was, what I was comfortable with.  Everything has changed, nothing is the same, predictable, or safe because anything is subject to change at a moment's notice.

I turn 40 in just a month's time and I no longer know who I am.  I am lost in a big way and the dang birds ate my bread crumb trail.

Depression is tapping my shoulder but I'm trying to ignore it.

I was SO angry last night, so resentful, and feeling very let-down.  I guess that was a lot of emotion because my body is exhausted from it all.

I'm absolutely stunned by The Boss's idea that we volunteer with a vanilla group as a substitute for the loss of kinky friends and kinky socialization.  I don't want another place that I have to hide my kink and pretend that we're "just married".  It's bad enough I have to do it at home and in general public.  But now he's asking me to join a group and spend time with people whom I'll have to hide from?  I think he's nuts.  Yes I wanted to volunteer with this group but NOT as a substitute for my kink outlet and certainly NOT as a "night out" with The Boss.  He's lost his ever-loving mind.

I do need time to be all of me not just one tiny part.  I want to be able to BE and ACT like his slave in training.  I want to be lead around on a leash and have it be acceptable, not a freak show.  I want to sit at his feet and again, have that be normal and accepted behavior.  I want to serve him without all eyes on me as if I've sprouted horns.  I can do none of this volunteering for the vanilla group.

I am angry at the past week's events.  I'm angry that I felt I had to choose to leave to reduce my stress and The Boss's stress.  I'm angry that he's not a joiner.  I'm angry that he's constantly prodded me to give up groups.  I'm angry that he dropped an "I told you so" on me when I woke up this morning.  WTF?  I'm seriously angry that he thinks a vanilla group will take the place of my kink life and will be a fulfilling substitute.  I'm angry that there are no other Central Iowa groups to choose from.  One option, which I feel ostracized from and had to quit.

Angry...that's what I feel the most.  Angry that I'm going to be a shut in, a recluse, since I have no outlet for my kink, no social group for human contact.  Isolated.  It sucks.  That's the nicest thing I can say.