Submissive Challenge #11 Submissive Personality Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Submissive Personality?

I have been jokingly called a brat by a former (currently complicated) dominant.  He went on to clarify that I am a playful sprite.  I think this is true because I'm not acting out for punishment or "funishment".  If I wanted to be spanked or some other form of impact play I'd ask for it, if the answer is 'no', so be it.  However, he still calls me a brat and it became part of a tattoo indicating my lifestyle.

How would you describe your submissive personality?

Playful, loving, affectionate, caretaking, service oriented, obedient to the best of my ability.  Sometimes quiet and introspective.  Often outspoken and strongly opinionated.  Sometimes I am obstinate but I've learned to ask for time if I am struggling with something instead of digging my heels in and making my partner drag me into place.

How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Currently my Dominus requires that I cover my hair.  It is a show of submission to him, somewhat like a collar but with different meaning.  He has taken something that used to be my pride and has found a way to save it for himself alone.  It scared me at first, I worried about causing offense or being misunderstood.  But I have only received compliments to date.  It has humbled me some though I am allowed some leeway and can still express some individuality in my head coverings.  And hey, there are no bad hair days!  There are, however, bad scarf days.  Oy!

He not only requires my service in the home but, he accepts it and allows me to express that part of myself freely and without  fear of recrimination or rejection.  On my good days I feel very fulfilled and at peace.  I've found a niche for that part of myself through him.

He and my former dominant partner (currently complicated) both encourage me to practice self-care of my mental and physical health.

Confession-Good for the..?

I don't know what this confession will be good for other than providing the transparency and honesty I own my Dominus.  It's more than that, it's the open and honest communication required in any healthy relationship that I owe to both of us.

I hate to admit this to myself, to you, and to Dominus.  The relating of a few people we know has taken up way too much space in my brain and it has to stop.  I thought by not talking about it anymore would help.  I thought leaving a group I fairly enjoyed would help.  I even thought leaving a Web site where I got a good amount of support would help too.  I was wrong.  All of these things were toxic to me because of the people involved there and my inability to distance myself from the "content" of my feelings and getting sucked in deeply every time I read something new about them.  My need for vindication, to be heard, to be believed, and to be valued were so great that it ate me from the inside out.

I learned through the grapevine that a few people who, much like a car wreck, I haven't been able to avoid looking at (being emotionally invested in) have split.  Like the child I am, I couldn't resist temptation and I went back to take a peek.  I wanted to see abject misery, I wanted to say "I told you so!!" to a few people, I wanted to be so petty and hurtful but I couldn't.  It wasn't fear of being caught out so much as it was I am simply not that person anymore.  I don't want to be her.

I felt empathy for them, I wanted to help them.  I hoped beyond hope that they'd both be open to the life's lessons sitting square in front of them waiting to be examined and learned.  I know, it isn't my place to decide who should learn what and when.  It's just, I can see the lessons waiting for them and I'm slightly disappointed because it seems the lessons are being ignored as the people are so caught up in the emotional content of what is going on.  Gods know I can't blame them, I know their pain.

I feel bad for them and the hurt they're experiencing.  There is still that petty little monster inside me that wants to say "Serves you right!".  I'd like to kick that little monster into a dusty corner somewhere.

I am sorry to my Dominus for my misbehavior.  I knew I shouldn't go back, I wasn't supposed to, and  I don't have a good reason for doing it.

I am sorry in general for wishing anyone ill.  Karma is going to catch me up and it's going to hurt.

I am disappointed in myself for disobeying Dominus, for giving in to those base urges of watching the car wreck that was the end of their relationship, and for being an all around lousy human being for a couple of months now.

I would like to make amends to Dominus for deliberately disobeying his commands.  I knew better but I disobeyed anyway.

I would like to earn Dominus' forgiveness.  I'd like to be able to forgive myself and not hang on to the bad feelings.

Mostly, I just want to take away the disappointed look I know will be in Dominus' eyes.  I'm scared of seeing and feeling his disappointment in me.

The Pitfalls of Idolizing

They're people we meet in life, we look up to them, we respect them for being who we believe them to be.

They epitomize something important to us, they are the ideal of what we wish to be.

Therein lies our mistake. We've put an ordinary human being on a pedestal and we don't see the warts, wrinkles, hairy moles, bad moods, foul language, and a myriad of other human failings.

It is devastating then when our idols tumble from those pedestals, being revealed for the garden variety human beings they always were. We're then hurt, sad, disappointed, and crushed. If our idols aren't the gods we pictured them to be then what are we? We who modeled ourselves after our idols?

We're still ourselves, still trying to become the best people we can be. And our idols? They're healing from that tumble off the pedestal and are now better able to teach us because we're no longer worshiping them as the gods they're not.

Don't Want to Quit

I don't know how to get you to hear me or listen to me.  There is never a good time to try to talk to you.  You say you want to practice getting inside someone's head but you don't need practice, you're in mine.  Silent treatment fucks my head all up, can't you see that?

You haven't given me a chance to show that I can give during play since you told me I don't.

I do have consideration for you beyond what I want.  I am sorry I can't remain silent when it feels like I'm losing something important to me...I need to fight to keep it, beg for it, plead my case.

Why is it okay to text when you're working when you're not angry with me?

I care about you, I've tried to show it to you, I've tried to be what you want.  I've failed.  Maybe I should roll over and give up silently.

It isn't all about what I want.  It's NOT.  I resent you saying that.  I resent that you won't hear me.

I just want to submit that's all I want and you won't tell me the rules, I'm supposed to learn them on the fly.  I'm supposed to assume that ending a conversation is punishment and guess at how long that is to last.  Give me some breadcrumbs to follow please?

Yearning

I've been without active dominance for a very long time and it's wearing on me.

I have learned to live without it, for the most part. Then I run into someone whose dominance screams at my submission but that isn't quite the arrangement we have.

I yearn for that dominance to be directed toward me. I almost ache for it. He knows but being as dominant as he is... he controls if/how/when things progress. It makes me yearn and ache more. Sometimes I wonder if, knowing this, he uses it somehow. Then I think, "nahhh".

I don't know if he'll ever want to own me.

Often I imagine I'm going to be "Lifestyle single" forever. Unowned. That makes the yearning turn to ache, then to frenzy.

Being frenzied is one of the worst mental places to be (aside from being at some point in mania). You ache, want, need so badly that you'll do just about anything to get what you want and need, to ease that ache. Then someone reminds you that frenzy is unattractive and turns potential dominants off. So you move through and past the frenzy and you're left with only the ache, want, and need.

You want to beg for more play, at least during play you get a little of the dominance you crave. But begging can be unattractive too so you ask and leave it in his hands with hope that he'll want to play and have time to do so.

Sometimes being submissive sucks balls.

Questions No Answers

I don't understand why you won't answer some of my questions.  I need answers to these questions.

I am trying to not have "moments" or come on too strong but you seem to be not wanting to answer my questions and my lack of control over that makes me crazy.  I need to make some peace with the fact that I can't control you.  But can't you answer some of my questions or give a reason why you're not going to answer others?

I feel like you've been pulling back from me since Friday night/Saturday.  Is something wrong?

I don't know how to build a relationship, I feel awkward and like I'm doing it very badly.  I would like some direction as to what you want from me and which direction I should go.  I want to serve you to the best of my ability and in the way you wish to be served, I just don't see how I can do that without direction from you.  My advice to new submissives asking similar questions is to ask their dominant what he wants from them.

I want to submit to you, I deem you worthy of my submission.  Is that such a bad thing?  Really?  Yes it's fast by some standards.  But I know what I want and need in a dominant, I don't need that time to figure that part out.  I've trusted you with my life, mind, and emotions, you've been careful of all three.  Concerned and caring.  I will go at your speed but I am chomping at the bit.  I don't want to just play anymore.  I want to work on building more than just a play relationship.  I don't think a dynamic can stand on play alone.  Those are just my thoughts.

Growing Pains

You find a partner, develop a relationship, and you get comfortable. Then one day you wake up and your entire world is upended.

You question yourself, your judgement, your worth. "What did I do wrong?" "What is wrong with me?" "I can't live this life." "I don't want a life without him in it."

You go into mourning and fall into self-pity. Drag yourself up out of the pit and carry on. You do what you have to do and you deal with it, life goes on with or without you. Then it becomes okay. Your self-worth may still be damaged along with your self-confidence. It takes more time to rebuild those than to get over him.

It's painful but you get over it and you move on. He isn't worth your suffering, your pining, or your tears. He is a thing of the past. The length of time it takes to get over him depends on you. Why waste your energy on something that is dead and gone?

Then you remember the spot of sunshine that you'd found before he threw your world into a spiraling black hole. That spot of sunshine reminds you that life can be good, it gives you hope, it makes you look toward the future with hope and desire.

Eventually someone will see you, you will be worth something to him. He will inspire your long-dormant submission and you will want to move forward with him and give him all of your submission.

You learn and grow, you begin to understand that you may go into relationships with forever in mind but not everyone does. That knowledge frees you up to better enjoy the experiences you do have.

None of this happens quickly or easily, there are growing pains along the way but it's worth it.

The one thing you forget is that those spots of sunshine are nothing more than a train coming to flatten you.  They're opportunists and you're an easy mark when you're so sad, empty, and aching for dominance.  Take time, at least one month, before you engage in any sort of relationship, sexual, SM, D/s... anything more than friends.  Learn to be you again.  Don't make the mistake I made, letting the wrong person in making the hurt worse than it should have been.

Understand that even if your relationship ends, there may be something good, something better once you've both gotten past the sads.

Released: The Sequel

Wow, there MUST be something really wrong with me.  I'm unworthy of being owned, it seems.  And my inner kid is unworthy of being loved.  Alan and I were starting over, I thought we were working on fixing what was broken, rebuilding our M/s relationship.  He even wrote up rules for both of us, guidelines for the relationship, and bought notebooks for us to write down issues we needed to talk about during our free talk night.

We stopped talking.  We played a couple of times and both were unsatisfying to him.  He told me the last time we played, right after we played, that it was unsatisfying for him because my pain tolerance is near zero so he didn't get to feed the sadist.  He enjoyed my service and still wants me to serve and have kinky sex and SM in the bedroom.  I don't know why, it feels like he's being selfish.  At the same time it at least gives me a service outlet

I feel like I've been served with divorce papers.  My neck feels light and naked without a collar.  I feel lost and worthless.  I don't really know what to do or how to live bedroom kink and pretty much vanilla the rest of the time.

I still have a slave heart and a strong desire/need to be owned and controlled.  I still have an inner kid who needs to be loved, treasured, cherished, and doted on.  How do I get these needs met when neither of my partners are interested?

My heart is broken, and I do NOT want to live a vanilla life.  But I don't seem to have a choice.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I know what I want to do and I'm teetering on the brink.

My sister recommends a trial separation.  Do you do a trial separation when the power exchange goes south?  Even if the rest of the relationship is relatively okay and you're still in love with each other?  It's not really in the cards to have an actual separation.  The best I can do is move into the spare room and move my toiletries into the main bathroom until we move out of this place.

Maybe it would help us appreciate what we have.  I don't know.  Everything is upside down and bassackwards today.  Part of me just wants to give up in general.

I have no idea where to go from here.  I don't know where we'll go from here.  How do I live as a vanilla wife?  I haven't been one in so many years and what I remember of that was continual fighting due to constant power struggles.

Part of me feels angry that I've been released and feels vindictive and spiteful.  This part of me wants to punish Alan for the pain caused even though he's hurting too.  He feels like he failed me as a man, as an owner, and as a mate.  How do we get through this?  I don't know how.  I don't know if I want to.  I don't want this.

New Beginnings?

We shall see if that is truly what is happening.  I've left the CIPEX group as has The Boss.  I feel as if I am persona non gratis there and he is hugely offended by the way I've been treated over the years.  He decides to step up and defend me once, in his own way-responding to the original poster in kind, and I get backhanded for it by those who have taken issue with a post I wrote venting and in defense of people I called friends.  Overall I am disillusioned and feel extremely unwelcome by this group that I called home for about 12+ years.

Yep, I was wrong for posting my post.  Rule #1 don't say anything people don't want to hear, they'll flame you and curse you out for it while plugging their ears or putting on blindfolds.  Don't be blunt and brutally honest for the same reasons.  Don't vent anger or frustrations, same reasons.  Don't say anything that anyone could possibly take offense to, candy coat it for them, for the same reasons above.  Beyond that don't offend people, they don't like it and will take their friendship and go home if you do.

Yes I'm angry and I'm well aware that it's showing.  This is MY place to say whatever I want to say, please don't read if you're offended.

Some people I counted as friends have little support for me and are making it clear that they feel as the others feel, I'm not good for the group.  I get the message loud and clear folks.  No need to continue to rub my nose in it as if I were an ignorant dog incapable of getting it the first time.

I am so done with that group that I was ready to shut down MY group so I didn't have to deal with them at all.  But no, they don't get to have that kind of power over me.

I will run my group until such time as I feel it has run its course.  If you don't want to participate that's your loss, I'll miss you and the friendship I thought we had.

Stress!!!

As if there isn't enough to keep my mind doing the dance of insanity, I have a boatload of stress.  I want/need catharsis for stress relief and release.  I need it to move beyond all this crap that I've been storing up for so long.

I need to be reduced to a limp, crying mess, curled on the floor around his feet.  Only then will I be able to let go and cry out all the yucky feelings and thoughts.

To some people this may seem extreme, unhealthy, or whatever.  Everyone has their way of managing stress, normally I don't need catharsis but when things have piled up as they have I do need it.  This is my 'OMG!' stress relief/release.

I'd beg for catharsis if we had time and space to do it.  Too bad we have one child still at home.  It's difficult to let go when you have to hold back every cry, groan, and scream.  It's even more difficult when the tools to be used for catharsis would be too loud and would be heard.  In light of this he let me do some creative cuttings tonight.  It helps to take a little of the edge off but it won't last for long, unfortunately.  But I get some pretty and colorful designs out of it.

Just when things were going well...

Just when things were going well, I'd had no manic episodes in weeks (?), I'd been in a positive mood and mindset, and aside from the occasional road bump I was on the way up.

Then today happened.  I was cranky, angry, difficult to please, didn't care-I had to be ordered into the shower, in short I felt like my unmedicated self.   It felt awful and I had to consciously force myself to not lash out at the Boss or anyone else.

I took my shower and the Boss took me to get some dinner and then I went from feeling manic/angry to feeling jumpy/panicky/and overwhelmed by all the noise.  This wasn't very pleasant either but at least I have something to help with that.  Finally I calmed down to "normal", this would be my new attitude/behaviors where I'm nice, pleasant, myself, non-violent, moods are level and stable, and I'm fun to be with.  The rest of the evening with the Boss went well and I even got to snuggle up on the floor in front of him on my new cushion and reveled in head rubs.  I LOVE it when he rubs my head, it doesn't feel sexual, it just feels affectionate and the 'Big me' and 'lg' love it.

Anyway, I'm nervous.  What if I'm metabolizing the medication and it won't work at this dose any longer?  What then?  I'm tired of the medication tango.  I'm trying to not get ahead of myself but I've been at this point so many times within the last 8-9 months that I'm understandably skittish.

The Boss and I, and even S and I, are just starting to make some positive changes and progress.  I do not want to become the thing I was and tear all the good stuff down because I'm a psychotic jerk.

I'm hanging in there and waiting to see what the next week holds and I see the "team" for evaluation and updates.

I'm still working on me and taking baby steps in hopes of becoming the Boss's collared slave again-maybe "again" isn't the right word to use.  This is a new and different relationship we're building.  Still M/s, still power exchange, but stronger with a steady foundation.  I plan to be a whole person bringing a lot to the table this time around-hence all the work I'm doing.  The only way either of us will be successful as any type of couple is if we come into it with eyes wide open, full knowledge and understanding of what we want to create, and an understanding of the difference between day-to-day M/s and fantasy M/s.

Yes I'm getting off on a tangent but it's like 5:36 in the morning and this is not my usual time to be awake so I'm prone to rambling.

One of my big errors was going into both M/s relationships with an eye to being owned and being in service.  I had no idea what type of service I could or wanted to provide.  I didn't know what kind of slave I wanted to be.  I didn't know how they viewed M/s and I certainly didn't know what they really wanted in a slave, from me.  I made a lot of assumptions instead.  The Boss reminds me that I also forgot rule #1-Obey.  He says as long as I Obey, I can't go wrong, get in trouble, or disappoint him.  Makes sense huh?  It's so dang simple that it took me a little while to actually understand the concept!

If we do the Handfasting/Rose Ceremony I envision for our 25th anniversary of being together, I'd like to work the word 'Obey' in somewhere for me.  We used to joke around about the word 'Obey' being in our original wedding vows.  I swore up and down it wasn't, he swore up and down it was.  This way, there would be no doubt because I'd write it in there myself. ;-)

As a short aside:  I am in the process of creating a secondary journal.  It will be kept for the sole purpose of documenting my journey through Mr. Jack Rinella's book BECOMING A SLAVE: The Theory & Practice Of Voluntary Servitude.  Each chapter, including the introduction, has post-reading activities/questions.  I see these as a chance to hammer these new thoughts and lessons into my brain, I learn best if I write as well as read.  Somehow it gets into my long-term memory better.

So watch this spot for the announcement when that goes live.

As for the rest, I will survive.  I'm making plans for the near future, activities, things that will get me out of the isolation cycle I tend to fall into.  Psychologically I do tend toward the antisocial and as such, I tend to isolate a LOT, this computer being my only contact with the outside world for long periods of time.  Changing old behaviors is just one step toward a better 'me'.  :-)  Cheers!

Who Knew?

I've read and heard about eye contact restrictions and how it reinforces one's place within the scheme of a power exchange relationship.  Why doesn't anyone talk about how difficult it is?  It is so not easy to have a conversation with one's partner when one isn't allowed to make eye contact unless he desires it.  In the same turn when he wants that eye contact it's almost scary because it is quickly becoming a privilege to make eye contact.  I feel bared before him, vulnerable to him, when he puts a hand under my chin, exerts a little pressure upward and lets me look him in the eye.

This is not a gripe session or woe is me by any means.  I'm just musing, if you will, about this new aspect of my life with the Boss.  He has given me other rules to follow as well and I look at them as a privilege.  He took the time to decide what he wanted from his slave-in-training, wrote out these new "rules" (I think of them as new ways of relating and behaving), and took the time to explain them to her so there was no chance for confusion or misunderstanding.

However privileged I feel being given this new set of behaviors to learn, they're not easy yet.  It will take time for them to become habit and for me to not slip up and make eye contact when we're just sitting at home talking, or whatnot.  It's really going to be difficult to not speak until spoken to while we're in kink public, I'm chatty and I love to talk to him.  There are other behaviors, which I may (with permission) list here at some point, that I have to learn.

It is amazing what I've taken for granted over the years.  Something as simple as eye contact was once required and is now a privilege.  I believe this is a good behavior for me to learn.  I have used my eyes often to lay down a challenge to his authority.  I've abused the privilege, to say the least.

I know it's all shiny and new and the shine will wear off eventually, but I am excited about this new phase in our lives.  I am excited about learning new, more respectful, behaviors.

Starting Over

It's been a bit since I've had anything to write.  I was in such a fog, embroiled in the chaos of mental illness and loss.  It took a long time to find acceptance of life as it is now.  One big lesson I've learned is this: life is always in flux and you have to be accepting of change.  It will happen whether you want it to or not.  I'm not change friendly but we're learning to at least be civil to each other.

My former Sir, we'll call him S, is still my friend.  We still love each other and we're taking things one day at a time.  We're learning to relate (at least I am) to each other in a different way.  I did him and myself a huge disservice when we talked about creating a M/s relationship together.  I failed to ask him his view of M/s, what he wanted in a slave, and what he saw as our future as a M/s couple.  I also failed to take the time to know myself and know what I wanted in a master, in a M/s relationship, and what I had to offer.  My biggest failure?  I became all the negative things I believed were true about me and I stopped obeying.

I made the same horrible mistake with the Boss/husband and it took me backing out of the relationship, taking off the collar, and a lot of other gut wrenching, painful crap to get to where I'm at now.  Learning to surrender, to submit, and to obey.  I'm not making the same mistake twice, neither is the Boss, we are building a strong foundation for all aspects of our relationship, not just the M/s.  This time around he is the Boss and I'm so happy I could cry.  I'm getting to know him again, and learning to relate to him as my husband and the man who will hopefully own me again.

The painful crap was necessary for this rebirth, and I really believe that is what this is, a rebirth of me, of him, of us, and of our entire relationship.  One doesn't get second chances often and I can't believe I am so blessed to have this, these, chance(s).

I truly believed the Boss and S would stop loving me through one of the darkest times in my life and I did everything I could to prove that I was right.  I didn't believe they could really love me in the first place because I knew I was unlovable.  I was verbally abusive to them both and I beat up on them emotionally when I was in the depths of my illness, I was sabotaging my own relationships.  It isn't easy to admit this to myself, to them, or to you folks.  I wasn't a good person, I was toxic.  When S released me I started my journey to rock bottom.  It was a Cosmic 2x4, a wake-up call.  If I'd continued on as I was I would have lost S as a friend, the Boss as my husband, and possibly mySelf.  It was truly a dark night of the soul for all of us.


Today I feel.  I mean I really feel.  I'm stronger for the experiences, I've found my "muchness" again and I'm very much me.  I believe I am a woman worth pursuing because my muchness is there for all to see.  That isn't to say I don't still have bad days, I do.  I'm just taking things one day at a time, one minute at a time if I have to.  I have new challenges, as well as old challenges, to get through.  But I'm starting to be able to see that I'll be okay, I can do it, and I can handle it.  Why?  Because I am capable.

I don't need a master to coddle and protect me like some wilting flower, I can stand on my own two feet.  I need a master because I must serve another, I am built to do so.  I come from a position of strength, and that's the only way one can successfully surrender to another.  A weak woman cannot serve, surrender, or submit.

Be Careful What You Wish For

You never know how prophetic anything you say might be.  In my last post I wished I could disappear from their lives, complaining that I hadn't signed on for what they were offering.

Well, Ex-Sir has released me and wishes to remain friends.  It's my fault, I couldn't control my crazy, I couldn't stop complaining, couldn't stop voicing my wishes for more.  He took as much as he could and finally had to back off for his own sanity.  This loss would be easier if I could hate him or at least be angry with him.  But I can't.

Ex-Master is just my friend-husband now.  This is also my fault.  I ruined what we had, maybe not with my crazy or maybe with it, I don't think I'll ever know.  I stopped feeling submissive to him and can't find my way back to it.  I stopped feeling like a wife to him and I can't find my way back to that either.  I still love him deeply.  I love them both deeply and I'd choose them both over and over again.

I'm sitting here full of regrets and wishes now, feeling more alone than I have ever felt.  If you take anything away from this post, control the way you express yourself.  Remember the person you're talking to is a human being with their own thoughts, feelings and needs.  And if you're submissive to them, remember your place along with everything else.

Just Joy now... Undone

Low Point

Sir wants changes in my personality.. so I'm making them. However, I'm afraid I'll lose some of "me" and it makes me angry to think about that. How do I hold onto "me" yet, let go?

The "new me" has very little to say so far. Just pleasantries and benign subjects sure to be safe and not stir up any arguments. However, I've used up all of today's pleasantries in less than half an hour. I don't know how this will work long term.

I don't understand how this will be beneficial to our relationship.

One can only hope that it will work out and eventually the "new me" will settle in and won't feel awkward when chatting with Sir.

Quiet

I'm feeling quiet now. Had a good cry earlier after doing my slave devotional/mantra. It wasn't for any specific reason other than letting off some pressure and letting go of some icky feelings.

The slave may be used as her Master sees fit.

That is the last line in my mantra and it keeps playing over and over in my head. There's no guarantee here that my needs will be met, consistently or otherwise. But they tell me they want to take care of me and will do so, in their own time. That is hard to accept because their time doesn't always link up with what I think it should be. But...I didn't sign on for "it's all about me" if that was the case I'd be on top wouldn't I? And I'm not, I'm not built to be on top even if I have some tendencies that way, I can't sustain it.

I actually feel accomplished and at peace for the moment. It's a good feeling. I cleaned and polished my boots and cleaned and conditioned Master's shoes. I never really thought about it but leather care is kind of meditative for me. It's just me and the leather, my hands working to nourish and care for the leather. And afterward my hands are left soft and smelling of beeswax and it's a heck of a great smell. I know I've done something good with these hands when they smell of beeswax. I know I've done a good service, not only for Master but for the leather. It pleases me to see clean and happy leather and to see Master wearing that leather. And now, myself, I have my own leather boots. Tacticals and they're just awesome. I can't bear to let the poor things sit dirty despite them being meant for work not show.

Skittish and Scared

"Have faith" he says. As if it were done as simply as saying it.

More change is afoot and change scares the crap out of me. It's unknown, uncontrollable, and not always good. It's not always bad either but one never knows til it happens does one?

No longer shall I request SM play with Sir but simply let him know if I feel I'm in need and trust that between him and Master that need may be met. A request is a demand, at least the way I phrase it it is.

No longer will I request to spend time with Sir, he will decide if he has time and will let me know when we can make plans. A request, again, is a demand in the way I've been phrasing things.

These are just two changes being made hopefully for the betterment of our relationship(s). Sir has been feeling backed into the corner because of my crazy and my response to being disappointed or upset. I have a lot to prove to him; a lot of work ahead of me to earn his trust back.

I'm scared of letting go and not asking for what I think I need. What happens if I do this and my needs go unmet indefinitely in favor of theirs? I know, slave=needs come after theirs, but it still scares me. I'm rather shaky right now. I feel as if I could shake apart if there weren't glue and duct tape holding me together.

I don't know if I will see Sir this week, the week is obviously young but the weather is supposed to be nasty for most of this week. I may not see him at all. That thought makes me sad. Not normal sad but cry-into-my-pillows-for-days-sad. It's likely disproportionate to the situation but knowing that doesn't make the reaction any different or less intense. Sir, if you're reading this please know it is not an attempt at manipulation.. I need you to understand this is my safe place to talk, vent, work things out in my head, and yes even whine sometimes.

Trust is a touchy thing for me, touchier still because Master kind of slacked off for a long time on his end. I started slacking too, so we both slacked and we're trying to get back on track. However, that doesn't mean it's easy for me to trust that he will be consistent and that he won't let me drift again. I'm supposed to trust that Sir will make time for me when he can, it's the "when he can" that trips me up. It's so uncertain and leaves so much room for whatever... I don't know what I'm trying to say here. It's just so uncertain and unstructured. I need structure to feel safe and secure; to even be able to relax and let go the death grip I have on self-protection. I'm supposed to trust that they will take care of me if I let them and stop pushing for my needs over theirs. Trust... I hate the need for it, I loathe my inability to do so easily.

I always thought I was asking for my needs in addition to theirs but I was wrong. My overly emotional reactions have pushed them into corners where they fear to push too hard, just in case. What a slave I am... not.

Faith? I don't know how to do that. Gods help me figure it out.

My Crazy Family

Crazy like mine usually runs in families. It’s genetic, comforting eh? My children and grandchildren could develop it too. At least one of my children has crazy like mine only worse. If this child would seek help as I’ve begged him to do, he’d be so much happier.

Crazy started with the mother, could be further back but that’s as much as I know. She is Bipolar with a few sides, one being Borderline Personality Disorder.

My sister was just diagnosed as Bipoloar Level 2 the other day.

I went to the NIMH (National Institute for Mental Health) Web site in search of some answers and reading the symptoms for Bipolar disorder/Manic Depression was like reading about my own life. I’m not as extreme in some areas but can be more extreme in others. I’ve never been given an official diagnosis, I’ve never asked, and have only recently begun to be more honest and forthcoming with important information with my shrink. Perhaps with the new information she has a diagnosis now, or perhaps she doesn’t believe in diagnoses. I can only ask.

My very first “episode” I can remember is when my grandmother died. I was around seven years old. I broke with reality instead of accepting her death or coping with it in any way. I moved into my own reality and lived there quite firmly and happily until I was sent to my first shrink and therapist and “therapy school”. They trained the ability to disassociate right out of me. But I was functioning again, sort of.

All through my life I’ve had panic/anxiety attacks, bouts of depression and mania in various forms. In my early teens I started self-mutilation as a means of coping with impossible situations. That has evolved into cutting. The last episode was a suicide attempt/cry for help. My moods have always been mercurial, changing at a drop of a hat and disproportionate to the situation.

My crazy seems to be getting worse or more intense…I’m not sure what to call it. All I know is I need a concrete point to work from so I can learn to manage whatever this is so I can at least function in my personal life, if nowhere else.

The Men have stuck by my side through all of this and still somehow love and care for me. One would think after decades of this they’d want to be rid of me, but they’re not the types to quit and the Gods know I’m extremely thankful for this quality in both Men.

I do think that dealing with mental illness in O/p, M/s, or D/s relationships is different from dealing with mental illness in vanilla relationships. Maybe I’m wrong in this thinking, wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been wrong. lol But it seems to me that my crazy, anyway, can rob my Owners of the ability to own or enforce their will on their property. This is in addition to the usual relationship issues my crazy causes.

These are just a few thoughts running through my head right now as I process all the new information and memories I’d put out of sight.

Ever wonder who you are? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. There is ‘me’ and ‘not me’ as far as Sir and Master are concerned. I’m inclined to agree with them. ‘Not me’ is cold, extremely selfish, heartless, angry, sad, violent, and sometimes suicidal (usually passively). ‘Not me’ takes all of this out on either Sir or Master, wrongly. I know it sounds like I’m talking about different personalities and in many ways they are but they’re still part of the whole, not splintered bits.

She Got a Pearl Necklace....

Master has been talking for a while about buying me a new collar. Something I can wear daily, anywhere, anytime.

I tried to remain stoic, usually keeping surprises drives him batty and much like a little kid he gets so excited about giving gifts that he wants to tell all and give the gift immediately. So yes, I teased him a bit and didn't admit curiosity, didn't ask questions. I can't help it 'sadist' is part of my kink make up too. lol

Eventually curiosity got me and I let the excitement show. I couldn't wait for it to arrive. I wanted to know but I wanted the surprise more so I didn't press for answers. He drew it out even after the collar arrived. He took me upstairs and had me sit on the bed while he opened it, very stealthily. Then, with collar hidden in his hand, he came toward me and showed me as he placed it around my neck.

A blushing pink pearl necklace. Real pearls!! I feel so classy and classic wearing them. They fit so well too, right around the base of my neck like his hand holding me.

My love affair with pearls started after watching Julie & Julia, one of my absolute favorite movies ever, and I developed an obsession. I looked at pearls everywhere and talked about wanting pearls often. Why pink? It's become my favorite color and I get just about everything in pink that I can.

Master listened and heard and decided to spoil his slave. Yeah, I know, spoiled rotten but I love being Daddy's princess.

Needs

We all have them right? We all think our needs are important, true? But are our needs more important than those of a significant other? Or a friend? Or even a stranger?

I say it depends on the need, if I need shelter, food, or clothing, those are going to come before anyone else's need for a hug, or something else less critical to survival.

I've learned this lesson the hard way and am damn lucky I didn't lose either Master in the process. I'll say it til the day I die, I am blessed to have two very wonderful men in my life who love and cherish me and want to see me succeed and be happy. I'm even more blessed that they chose me to serve them as their slave.

However, I'm SO not even close to perfect. Some days I don't even think I'm good. I'm told that I am good so I won't argue the point. Rule #1, don't argue with your Master.

For a while now I've been putting my various needs above Sir's need to be able to be on time to things that are highly important to him, to be able to arrive safely at a destination in bad weather, or even sleep he desperately needed. I've done the same thing with Master too, and then I have what amounts to a temper tantrum when I don't get what I think I need.

I've been an energy vampire in a very bad way. So NOT good slave behavior. Master sat me down last week and had a bit of a talk with me about my purpose and my place. Somehow I got lost while the World was upside down for me. I forgot my purpose and my place. I started acting like a domineering b*tch, if you want to know the truth, and that really isn't me. It is a dark part of me yes, but it's something I strive daily to keep in the dark. I genuinely care about others and want to see them safe and happy. More so with my Masters. I want them safe and happy, I want to do good and right by them. I want them to feel like the most special and cherished men in the whole World because they are my World.

Sir says it's almost like I have had a split personality issue going on because of this dark side of me that isn't the real me. He is right in a lot of ways. It isn't the me that is out most often and it didn't used to get out that often at all. I don't know if I should blame it on my crazy (mental health issues) or if it's due to feeling like the World has been upside down since August due to relationship and life issues, because it has gotten out more and more frequently and with more malice since then.

However, back on point, the main issue is me putting my needs before theirs and often these are frivolous needs. Such as the need to resolve an issue instead of tabling it until there is more time to discuss it. This is very selfish, as a slave that type of "need" is secondary to my Masters' needs.

Master reminded me that as a slave my purpose and responsibility is to be here for my Masters, to make their lives easier, not to make their lives harder by being an energy vampire. In all honesty I haven't given much in return and I feel ashamed of myself.

Last night I caught myself doing it again, once Master gave me "the look" I realized what I was doing and reeled myself in.

I know some people will say that a slave, or submissive's needs are just as important as a Master or Dominant's. I disagree. Yes my basic needs such as food, clothing, and shelter are as important, without these things I cannot serve my Masters properly. Beyond that, sometimes my other needs, such as SM, have to take a backseat to their needs. Not only due to being their slave but also because that is just what you do in relationships. There is give and take. Sometimes you do a lot of giving and get very little in return, sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a short time. And then sometimes things reverse or they end up balanced.

I'm relearning how to be a proper slave and finding my service-mind again. Now that I am aware of it, I will no longer be an energy vampire. Being such, makes me no better than a parasite, in my mind, and is definitely not (again in my mind) slave behavior.

I still want to be the very best slave I can be and I am thankful my Masters are taking the time to work with me instead of giving up because it's just too much work.