Sharp, cold, gleaming, full of promise.. It seduces me. It whispers to me cut him, just a little he won't notice. Watch the blood well up to the surface... ruby jewels begging to be licked clean.

The blade whispers again as it stokes my arousal... "poke him, just a little, he won't feel it much..the rewards will be oh so wondrous" penetrate him!.

I resist the whisper of the blade and dance with it instead. Treading that fine line between what I and the blade want and what is proper. Tracing red lines over his body, little droplets of red rubies teasing me, promising more. His writhing, body begging for more as he arches up toward me, toward the blade.

My inner thighs become soaked, my juices flowing down them as I strive to control my reactions and ignore the whisper of the blade.

The more aroused I get the louder the blade's whisper gets... my eyes change colors, it's getting dangerous now. We're at the very edge of the edge...I'm still dancing with the blade... my subject enjoying the safer pain and pleasure I've allowed myself to give him.

The blade has to be put away before I can give in to my carnal desires.. but it's whispers remain in my head.

Yearning

I've been without active dominance for a very long time and it's wearing on me.

I have learned to live without it, for the most part. Then I run into someone whose dominance screams at my submission but that isn't quite the arrangement we have.

I yearn for that dominance to be directed toward me. I almost ache for it. He knows but being as dominant as he is... he controls if/how/when things progress. It makes me yearn and ache more. Sometimes I wonder if, knowing this, he uses it somehow. Then I think, "nahhh".

I don't know if he'll ever want to own me.

Often I imagine I'm going to be "Lifestyle single" forever. Unowned. That makes the yearning turn to ache, then to frenzy.

Being frenzied is one of the worst mental places to be (aside from being at some point in mania). You ache, want, need so badly that you'll do just about anything to get what you want and need, to ease that ache. Then someone reminds you that frenzy is unattractive and turns potential dominants off. So you move through and past the frenzy and you're left with only the ache, want, and need.

You want to beg for more play, at least during play you get a little of the dominance you crave. But begging can be unattractive too so you ask and leave it in his hands with hope that he'll want to play and have time to do so.

Sometimes being submissive sucks balls.

Stress!!!

As if there isn't enough to keep my mind doing the dance of insanity, I have a boatload of stress.  I want/need catharsis for stress relief and release.  I need it to move beyond all this crap that I've been storing up for so long.

I need to be reduced to a limp, crying mess, curled on the floor around his feet.  Only then will I be able to let go and cry out all the yucky feelings and thoughts.

To some people this may seem extreme, unhealthy, or whatever.  Everyone has their way of managing stress, normally I don't need catharsis but when things have piled up as they have I do need it.  This is my 'OMG!' stress relief/release.

I'd beg for catharsis if we had time and space to do it.  Too bad we have one child still at home.  It's difficult to let go when you have to hold back every cry, groan, and scream.  It's even more difficult when the tools to be used for catharsis would be too loud and would be heard.  In light of this he let me do some creative cuttings tonight.  It helps to take a little of the edge off but it won't last for long, unfortunately.  But I get some pretty and colorful designs out of it.

Who Knew?

I've read and heard about eye contact restrictions and how it reinforces one's place within the scheme of a power exchange relationship.  Why doesn't anyone talk about how difficult it is?  It is so not easy to have a conversation with one's partner when one isn't allowed to make eye contact unless he desires it.  In the same turn when he wants that eye contact it's almost scary because it is quickly becoming a privilege to make eye contact.  I feel bared before him, vulnerable to him, when he puts a hand under my chin, exerts a little pressure upward and lets me look him in the eye.

This is not a gripe session or woe is me by any means.  I'm just musing, if you will, about this new aspect of my life with the Boss.  He has given me other rules to follow as well and I look at them as a privilege.  He took the time to decide what he wanted from his slave-in-training, wrote out these new "rules" (I think of them as new ways of relating and behaving), and took the time to explain them to her so there was no chance for confusion or misunderstanding.

However privileged I feel being given this new set of behaviors to learn, they're not easy yet.  It will take time for them to become habit and for me to not slip up and make eye contact when we're just sitting at home talking, or whatnot.  It's really going to be difficult to not speak until spoken to while we're in kink public, I'm chatty and I love to talk to him.  There are other behaviors, which I may (with permission) list here at some point, that I have to learn.

It is amazing what I've taken for granted over the years.  Something as simple as eye contact was once required and is now a privilege.  I believe this is a good behavior for me to learn.  I have used my eyes often to lay down a challenge to his authority.  I've abused the privilege, to say the least.

I know it's all shiny and new and the shine will wear off eventually, but I am excited about this new phase in our lives.  I am excited about learning new, more respectful, behaviors.

Catharsis

I got it in spades last night. I asked for it and got it. What I asked for was heavy SM play, I wanted to play with the Sadist. I didn't really know it was catharsis I needed or wanted until it happened.

Sometimes Master and I will play and spar together, we "box". Last night he decided he wanted to do that instead of what we'd originally decided to do. But I couldn't, I simply couldn't fight back no matter how hard he hit me. Note to self: being punched in the jaw kinda hurts a lot. At one point he had me backed against a wall choking me and my legs just gave out, I ended up sliding down the wall, him with me, til we were both kneeling on the floor. It was at that point he understood that I couldn't fight back despite his order for me to do so.

He changed tack and decided to beat me instead. He had me lean against the cross and just laid into me. No warm up at all. I don't know how I stood there and kept taking it. I really don't. I kept begging over and over "please, please, please, please stop", knowing he wouldn't stop, not really wanting him to stop. He used the wooden paddle and I ended up cowering on the floor wrapped around one leg of the cross. I was lost in such a deep submissive mindset, I couldn't not do what he wanted. He wanted to beat me and I had to take it, wanted to, needed to. So I stood up again and took my place against the cross once more. He doesn't like to bind me, usually I've got some fight in me and he likes the possibility that I may turn on him.

For me the beating seemed to last forever, I cried the entire time.. just cried myself out. When he was finished with me I curled into a little ball on the couch next to him and just laid there. At peace, finally. It was a blessing. I don't know how long it will last. I didn't have the "happy, goofy, endorphin rush" after like I normally have. I was just empty and at peace. I spent today just recovering, I'm just a wee bit bruised, and the body has its limitations and needs some rest after such rigorous use. It's a price I happily pay for the opportunity to serve as masochist to his Sadist and for occasional catharsis.

Thank you Master.

"Normal" Or "Abby Normal"?

How much SM should a masochist need in a given month? Really, is there a "should" or a "limit" to what is acceptable need?

What if said masochist hasn't had SM play for a couple of months and gets a bit frenzied about wanting to play again? Is that unhealthy? Does it mean it's too extreme and running said masochist's life?

Definition from Dictionary.com:

mas·och·ism

   /ˈmæsəˌkɪzəm, ˈmæz-/ Show Spelled[mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] Show IPA

–noun

1.

Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.

2.

gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.

3.

the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.

4.

the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

I'm starting to question myself and my masochism and wonder if there's something wrong with me. My Sir thinks I'm unhealthy because if it's been a while I do get frenzied and crave to play to a point where I'm wanting extreme pain play. It was never a problem in the past, Alan was always able to meet my need because it suited his own at the time. Thus he accepted me as I was and didn't think there was anything wrong with me. He still doesn't even though his path has changed some.

My Sir doesn't seem to be able to accept my masochism needs because they are a bit beyond his own comfort zone. I sometimes wonder if this is why he judges me as unhealthy when I get frenzied about pain play.

Now though, now I'm just wondering if there's something wrong with me. I'm questioning that which I accepted in myself before as being normal, the way I'm wired. I've been actively masochistic since I was 13 or 14. I'm nearly 40 now, so it's been a long time, to say the least.

I'd ask my shrink but I'm guessing her response would be "none is normal". My therapist is so vanilla I think she'd suggest I go into inpatient treatment if I mentioned it to her. I need to know from other masochists, from sadists even. People who understand this need.

I don't like being unsure of myself, I really don't like questioning myself. I was happy and content with just accepting myself and not thinking there was something wrong with me. Now I wonder.

Bone Weary

I sit here bone weary, barely able to keep my eyes open, I've had a busier day today than any other day in the last month. I saw Sir and we spent much good time together, he used me well and has left me marked and bruised. Lots of happy about that, it's been too long since I've felt an ache from being used so well. Once home I enticed Master into a before work quickie that was delicious. I don't know how the man does it but he hits the right spot with every thrust threatening to rip screams and growls from my throat when I must be quiet.

Oh but that wasn't enough for me, oh no. I decided I needed to work out. Really that's not up for debate I have to work out and strengthen my body and build muscle. So 20 minutes of upper body and core work on the balance ball followed by about 20 minutes of instructional Tae Bo. Holy COW am I exhausted and I just know I'm going to wake up aching tomorrow.

All of this is quick on the heels of sheer idiocy on my part. I got selfish and focused on my needs and how they're going unmet because Master is working 7 days a week and Sir's schedule is something else. Boo-hoo, poor me. I went mental and returned Sir's collar to him. I don't know what I'd hoped to accomplish but what I did do was hurt him deeply, show him the worst disrespect, and put our relationship on very shaky ground. I'm a moron sometimes. I wish I had some sort of alarm that would go off when I'm starting a 'bout of "lost my mind" so I can stop before I start.

Today was a blessing, having a few hours with Sir, being his to do with as he wished and attempting to serve with as much grace and humility as I was able. I'll never make up for the hurt I've caused but I hope I can at least soothe it a little and earn back his collar if he deems me worthy.

Okay, up to my room to practice some "slave positions" and then to bed with me and my heating pad.

I Miss It

It feels like ages since Master and I have played and I really miss it. Sometimes I crave chocolate so badly that I can almost taste it. I'm craving a spanking in the same way. I want to whimper and beg when Master teases me with a light swat on the behind. There have been instances where I have stuck my bottom out, inviting more. It's always a tease, because he hasn't been able to give me a proper spanking. We rarely have time to ourselves and when we do we're both too tired to do a thing about it.

The reality of 24/7 M/s isn't nearly as fun as the fantasy. I'd give quite a bit to be able to live some of the fantasy. Okay, that's not true, I can't back that up. It just seems like we had the ideal life and we've lost it somewhere along the way.

And yet, my feelings are mixed. Once upon a time I served my Master domestically, sexually, and we played fairly regularly. Only, I struggled a lot with obedience and surrender. I've changed in the last few months. For the better I think. I feel surrendered to him, I love serving him as I'm able and I feel sad when there is something I can't do for him. I feel a calmness inside that wasn't there before. I wouldn't want to have the life we did have at the expense of this change, this calmness. I would like to find a way to have both, to keep this calmness and state of surrender while re-incorporating the life we had, thus creating an improved, more complete M/s relationship.

Sometimes the prospect seems improbable, there are so many challenges facing us right now and I wonder if we'll be able to overcome all of them. I wonder too if he misses what we had and if he wants it back. He never says one way or the other so I never know what's going on behind those laughing eyes. Do you miss the SM Master? Do you miss the way things were? Do you long for a return to what we once had or an improvement on it like I do? Do you miss being served to the extent you once were? Do you miss the ritual we did when I got home from work? I do. I miss it all, I want it all back, somehow.

SM as Relaxtion and Calming Aid

As an effort to keep the M/s active in our relationship and to help maintain my head space, Master promised to give me "collar time" every night, if possible. What this means is he puts the collar on me each evening and I wear it while wearing nothing else in our bedroom. We may have sex, we may do SM, or I may just service him orally. Whatever we do it's been set aside as Master/slave time, even if all we do is cuddle and talk. I am really enjoying this new ritual and I think it's good for both of us. He seems to be exerting more control over me than he was and I'm feeling happier.

I've learned something new!. SM can be used as a calming aid or as a tool for relaxation. Okay, so it's not new, but it's new to me.

Yesterday I was extremely upset over something that had happened at a store. I was livid, embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed that I'd let our youngest down. Granted, it wasn't something I had control over at the time, I still felt as if I'd let her down and disappointed her. No worries, it was nothing illegal and nothing I'd actually done.
I immediately set to trying to sort the issue out over the phone. When I got home I was still on the phone, by the time I finished that call I was angrier because the answers I got were vague and noncommittal. I made another call and yet again, more vague and noncommittal answers telling me I had to call yet another number. I couldn't make that call because it was after office hours by that time. I did, however, call another store where this problem originated and supposedly they're researching it and will get back to me. I didn't feel as if my problem was going to be resolved and I still don't. I was still upset after making those calls and needed some time to try to calm down. I wasn't able to be friendly and chatty, I wanted to sit and brood about the problem.

He saw that I wasn't calming down as quickly as he'd have liked me to so he ordered me upstairs. Once I got up there I was ordered to present my bare bottom. I thought I was going to be punished for sure despite my trying to maintain a respectful tone with him. Instead he spanked and punched my bottom and thighs, using SM to calm and relax me. It lasted maybe 5 minutes but it was enough to switch gears in my brain. It turned me on too. *grins*

The only other time he has used SM like that was when I needed an attitude adjustment. It was done as punishment then so I've never really thought of it as being an effective tool for relaxation and calming. I'm thankful he thought of it. I did need a quick change of attitude and wasn't able to get to it on my own. That's one of my personal pitfalls, I'm too emotionally charged and my emotions get away from me too quickly. They build on each other, growing until it's all out of proportion. I'm learning to control them and sometimes I'm successful, I just wasn't last night.

Extreme

He starts lovingly, suckling her nipples, building her arousal higher and higher. His cock, stiff with need, rubs against her inner thigh already dripping precum in anticipation of what is about to happen.

He stops suckling and looks at her, his eyes gone hard, cold, devoid of the tender side of him. The Sadist has come out to play. He slaps her face then grabs a fistful of her hair, right at the nape of her neck. He holds her in place while he slaps her breasts first the right and then the left. She struggles to hold still and accept the slaps for him, her cheek stinging and her breasts beginning to burn. He looks into her eyes and tells her what she's going to take for him, what she's going to do for him, then pulls her around the room by her hair, forcing her to bend following his hand as he lowers it to waist-height. She struggles but follows him, stumbling only once, then he throws her onto the floor and tells her to stay put. She struggles to her knees, not understanding what he is doing. He lands a backhanded slap against the opposite cheek and she looks up at him, defiance burning in her eyes, nostrils flaring. He chuckles, a low, humorless noise, then grabbing her hair he pushes her face down against the floor, places his foot at the back of her neck and holds her there. She struggles, her hands clawing at his leg until he handcuffs her wrists together behind her. She screams, cursing him... He kneels then, straddling her upper back, facing her upturned ass, his cock and balls resting heavily on her back. He begins to slap her ass hard, over and over, raining blow after blow against that soft white flesh. She squirms, trying to get away from him. She lets her knees go out from under her in an attempt to get away from the unrelenting beating. He follows her down and continues to spank her until her flesh is an angry red and is hot to the touch. She lies still beneath him gasping and sobbing, praying he is finished, knowing all the while that he's only just begun...

He climbs off of her and pulls her up to her knees as he stands in front of her. His cock is leaking copious amounts of precum, he growls an order to clean it off.. she licks and sucks at his cock as if she were starved for it. He grips the back of her head and forces himself deep into her throat while pinching her nose tightly closed. She begins to struggle, some small amount of panic setting in. Every other time he's done this she had her hands free so she could tap his leg to let him know she'd reached her limit. Would he let her breathe in time? She tried to calm herself, to relax, trusting in him. She couldn't control her body's struggles for air though... her lungs burned with need. He forced himself just a little further into her throat and then pulled out, letting her gasp for air...
***
I crave this type of play and more. I want him to use me, to allow me to be the vehicle for his pleasure. This is the cat and mouse dance of Sadist and prey, struggle, force, and acquiescence.

The outcome is always the same, I am worshipful, soft, vulnerable, wide open, and needy for his affection. Sometimes I crawl to the floor and kiss his feet, thanking him for his attentions. Sometimes I just lay limply in his arms, thoroughly exhausted and content.

On one of the e-mail lists I participate on the question was asked "What deepens your feelings of submission?" What I wrote above is it. Being used by the Sadist as nothing more than an object does it for me. It rips away all notion of self and selfishness, leaving a pliant servant in its wake.

In the long term I find myself searching for ways to improve my service to him or to improve myself for him. Honorifics are beginning to fall from my lips unbidden, unplanned, naturally. It feels natural to do so. In the past I've always felt self-conscious about using honorifics, it felt silly, unnatural. Not so anymore. I see this as just one sign of my deepening submission to him.

Tomorrow night we have planned a scene where Sadist and prey will play together. Some would call it a takedown scene, others would call it forced/rough sex or play rape. I just think of it as playing with the Sadist, the real Sadist. The one who doesn't care about my pleasure or discomfort. This Sadist gets off on my pain, screams, protests, and tears. He has no regard for my sense of propriety. To him I'm an object to be used and he uses me, brutally. Often while f*cking me he will force several fingers deeply into my bottom with no more lubrication than a coating of his saliva. He is growling behind me, his excitement builds with each scream he wrenches from my throat. I hold nothing back from him, I scream, wail, beg, and plead. "Please Master, please, please, please.." Sometimes I don't know if I'm begging him to stop or if I'm begging him to continue using me in any way he sees fit.

I hope he cuts my clothes off tomorrow night, I hope he cuts me, I hope it hurts. I want to bleed for him, I want him to feed from me, my blood or my milk... or both. *squirm* I'm rather aroused now... I wonder if he'll allow me an orgasm tonight?

Blissfully Sore

Nope, not that kind of sore. There's been no SM around here this week, unless you count the other night when he took the evil little knife and lightly dragged it across the insides of my thighs while I was sitting on the commode going potty. Gods I love that little knife, it fits in the palm of the hand when closed and isn't all that much bigger when opened. The blade is super sharp and curves into a nasty little point. It did this a few weeks ago. Not everyone's cuppa but it sure makes me purr.



No, today isn't kinky sore, it's being sore from pushing my body too far beyond what it can do, which these days isn't too terribly much at all. I cleaned our bedroom today, dusted, vacuumed, and scrubbed in the adjoining bathroom. I did a load of dishes and a couple of loads of laundry too. I'm just glad Master understands me well enough to just accept that I need to do these things despite the resulting pain. I think he knows I'm not going to intentionally push my body to the point of causing further injury. I'm not that much of a masochist. But I do need to be able to serve him in this way. He's working so much OT lately and is barely here long enough to eat and sleep. I'm hoping he'll let me plan a couple of crock pot meals that I can throw together before I leave for work so he doesn't have to come home after a 12-hour day and try to summon the energy to cook dinner.

So yeah, my back hurts tonight, all the way down to the bottoms of my feet, my limp is a little more pronounced, and I'm pretty well exhausted from the pain. But I'm sitting here smiling because he's got a clean bedroom to sleep in, a clean mirror to look at himself in, and a clean sink to brush his teeth in (and make a mess of all over again ;-) ).

There is no wanting in me tonight, I don't want more this, or more that. I'm right where I need to be, doing the things I need to be doing. Sure I have limitations and it'd probably be a wise choice to divide the cleaning chores up into smaller chunks to be done daily instead of doing the whole thing in one day, but they're limitations, not limits. I don't know if that distinction makes sense to anyone else but me. A limit, to me, is something I cannot, will not, do. It's a line drawn in the sand, go here and no further. A limitation is something you adapt to, you work around it, but you don't stop just because it's there. That's me, today at least.