Yay! More Druggy Goodness!

Yay, instead of just upping the dose on my one anti-anxiety drug she adds an additional one to the cocktail.  She absolutely refuses to entertain the idea that when the dose is high enough the other works just fine.  I'm not happy but I'm giving it a try.  It will either work or it won't, right?

I hate Mondays.  Daddy has to go to work and I am lonely that first workday without him.  I try to not say it often.  But I do want him to know that he is valued and loved with such force of emotion that I miss him the entire night.   I look forward to the coming morning when I get to greet him at the door.

I love you Dominus!  I'm not trying just for me but for you too.

Confession-Good for the..?

I don't know what this confession will be good for other than providing the transparency and honesty I own my Dominus.  It's more than that, it's the open and honest communication required in any healthy relationship that I owe to both of us.

I hate to admit this to myself, to you, and to Dominus.  The relating of a few people we know has taken up way too much space in my brain and it has to stop.  I thought by not talking about it anymore would help.  I thought leaving a group I fairly enjoyed would help.  I even thought leaving a Web site where I got a good amount of support would help too.  I was wrong.  All of these things were toxic to me because of the people involved there and my inability to distance myself from the "content" of my feelings and getting sucked in deeply every time I read something new about them.  My need for vindication, to be heard, to be believed, and to be valued were so great that it ate me from the inside out.

I learned through the grapevine that a few people who, much like a car wreck, I haven't been able to avoid looking at (being emotionally invested in) have split.  Like the child I am, I couldn't resist temptation and I went back to take a peek.  I wanted to see abject misery, I wanted to say "I told you so!!" to a few people, I wanted to be so petty and hurtful but I couldn't.  It wasn't fear of being caught out so much as it was I am simply not that person anymore.  I don't want to be her.

I felt empathy for them, I wanted to help them.  I hoped beyond hope that they'd both be open to the life's lessons sitting square in front of them waiting to be examined and learned.  I know, it isn't my place to decide who should learn what and when.  It's just, I can see the lessons waiting for them and I'm slightly disappointed because it seems the lessons are being ignored as the people are so caught up in the emotional content of what is going on.  Gods know I can't blame them, I know their pain.

I feel bad for them and the hurt they're experiencing.  There is still that petty little monster inside me that wants to say "Serves you right!".  I'd like to kick that little monster into a dusty corner somewhere.

I am sorry to my Dominus for my misbehavior.  I knew I shouldn't go back, I wasn't supposed to, and  I don't have a good reason for doing it.

I am sorry in general for wishing anyone ill.  Karma is going to catch me up and it's going to hurt.

I am disappointed in myself for disobeying Dominus, for giving in to those base urges of watching the car wreck that was the end of their relationship, and for being an all around lousy human being for a couple of months now.

I would like to make amends to Dominus for deliberately disobeying his commands.  I knew better but I disobeyed anyway.

I would like to earn Dominus' forgiveness.  I'd like to be able to forgive myself and not hang on to the bad feelings.

Mostly, I just want to take away the disappointed look I know will be in Dominus' eyes.  I'm scared of seeing and feeling his disappointment in me.

Ouch!

It's been non-stop panic-anxiety for a few weeks.  Which is causing it?  The isolation or the medication?  Which is worse?  Me off meds or me isolated?

I'm trying to figure out what I can do with my life from this point forward.  Sooner or later I'll have an answer.

Crazies/Metnally Ill/Tired

DISCLAIMER: To all my fellow mentally ill peeps, I call mental illness crazy it's a catch-all word without having to go into detail about the particulars or waste time saying it all.

I'm tired of people in general. Not you, not you, you, but not you.

I go along believing I'm crazy and then every now and then someone out-crazies me and I realize that in comparison I am perfectly sane. The perspective is awesome but the experience is wearying.

You cannot reason with a crazy person, logic is a foreign concept, and their reality trumps Reality. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The extremes in behavior almost give you (general you) whiplash.

I hate drama, I really do. I prefer to get along but there are some people out there who just won't get along, they don't want to. It's really saddening, I feel badly for them because they must be extremely miserable.

Keep your good friends close, you (again in general) don't realize how valuable and rare they are until the crazies jump out at you or your own crazy takes hold. sigh

Weddings

Yesterday was my first wedding officiated on my own.  It was my sister and her husband's vow renewal.  I was SO scared Friday night that I flew right into a nasty panic attack and had to give in and take some medication for it.

Yesterday before the wedding I was so amped I was running around in circles, my thoughts were doing the same.  I was trying to get ready AND get my altar things together for the ceremony.  They (she) chose a Pagan handfasting wedding instead and I was determined to have everything ready so the wedding was perfect.

I made it all the way through the ceremony until the last two sentences before I started crying.  I'm proud of myself for getting through it that well.  I was afraid I would have started sooner.  I got a few compliments for my part.  That made me feel like an actual Priestess rather than some goober trying to perform a ceremony she isn't qualified to perform any ceremony.

I was honored to be asked to officiate their ceremony.

Hmm

I'm not sure what to think, do, or feel at this point.  I saw my doc for a follow-up to the test I had done last week.  Last week the doc said we'd talk today about options because he felt I wasn't a surgical candidate.  Today he gives me a new drug and tells me he's going to run me by the surgeon to see if he'll fuse just one of the discs since he feels it's that disc causing my leg pain.

There are SO many pros and cons to consider.  If I have L5-S1 fused what will happen to L3-L4, which is also bad and causing consistent pain too?  What will happen to the good disc L4-L5?  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know what will help or will make things worse.

Do I try the fusion and hope it doesn't make things worse?  Or do I sit around and just wait for the bad discs to completely disappear and then live with worse pain?  Or will the fusion make the pain worse?

I see the surgeon in a few weeks I guess he'll lay out the the what ifs and will decide if he thinks I'm worth operating on.

I really hate this life sometimes.  This choice is a crapshoot and I won't know until a year or more out if it was the right decision if I do have the surgery.  I've failed every conservative treatment and drug so far.  Good grief, I've been on a neuro drug that sidelines as a treatment for nerve pain and it doesn't help.  I'm on 24/7 pain meds, doesn't help.  I have to try a pain/muscle relaxer drug now and I have no idea what it's going to do, or not do.  I feel like pain and drugs for that pain are in my life forever at this point.  I'm angry, so angry at this.  Why can't it be an easy fix? 

I did accomplish one thing I've been wanting, a handicap parking sign for my car so I don't have far to walk from the store, that's the worst, having to walk forever to my car after having been in the store.  I'm usually near tears by the time I'm walking out of the store, once I get to my car I just fall into it and pull my legs in with my hands.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to earn this pain and suffering.  I know it's a pitypoorme thing but.. really sometimes it feels like I earned it somehow.  I want a reason for why I have this "disease".  Why is my back falling apart?  Why?  Will I ever get my life back?  Even part of it?

Crash and Burn

That's how I feel today.  I'm so down that I just need to sleep it away.  I've had a crap couple of years, recently I'd been trying to find the happiness in just living and was actually succeeding.  I've fallen down again and I'm trying to decide if it's easier trying to get back up or to just stay down here.

Nothing in my life is what it was, what I was comfortable with.  Everything has changed, nothing is the same, predictable, or safe because anything is subject to change at a moment's notice.

I turn 40 in just a month's time and I no longer know who I am.  I am lost in a big way and the dang birds ate my bread crumb trail.

Depression is tapping my shoulder but I'm trying to ignore it.

I was SO angry last night, so resentful, and feeling very let-down.  I guess that was a lot of emotion because my body is exhausted from it all.

I'm absolutely stunned by The Boss's idea that we volunteer with a vanilla group as a substitute for the loss of kinky friends and kinky socialization.  I don't want another place that I have to hide my kink and pretend that we're "just married".  It's bad enough I have to do it at home and in general public.  But now he's asking me to join a group and spend time with people whom I'll have to hide from?  I think he's nuts.  Yes I wanted to volunteer with this group but NOT as a substitute for my kink outlet and certainly NOT as a "night out" with The Boss.  He's lost his ever-loving mind.

I do need time to be all of me not just one tiny part.  I want to be able to BE and ACT like his slave in training.  I want to be lead around on a leash and have it be acceptable, not a freak show.  I want to sit at his feet and again, have that be normal and accepted behavior.  I want to serve him without all eyes on me as if I've sprouted horns.  I can do none of this volunteering for the vanilla group.

I am angry at the past week's events.  I'm angry that I felt I had to choose to leave to reduce my stress and The Boss's stress.  I'm angry that he's not a joiner.  I'm angry that he's constantly prodded me to give up groups.  I'm angry that he dropped an "I told you so" on me when I woke up this morning.  WTF?  I'm seriously angry that he thinks a vanilla group will take the place of my kink life and will be a fulfilling substitute.  I'm angry that there are no other Central Iowa groups to choose from.  One option, which I feel ostracized from and had to quit.

Angry...that's what I feel the most.  Angry that I'm going to be a shut in, a recluse, since I have no outlet for my kink, no social group for human contact.  Isolated.  It sucks.  That's the nicest thing I can say.

Options? What Options?

I go see my pain doc a week from yesterday to go over the results of the lumbar discogram done Tuesday this week.  I am not a candidate for surgery-no fusion no fix because I have a good disc in-between two very naughty discs.  So we will discuss "options".

I'm trying to be open-minded and hope he has something new to offer.  Up til now it's been surgery or drugs.  Now, it seems to me the only option is "or drugs".  I'm already on drugs that aren't working well, I've already got an implant that doesn't touch the pain.  I really would like to avoid adding stronger or more drugs to the cocktail I'm already on.  I'm already focus/concentration challenged and sleepy as it is.  I don't want to be mistaken as a zombie, people will run away thinking I want to eat their brains when all I'm really doing is trying to formulate a sentence.

But S tells me to keep an open mind, don't shoot the doc down until I hear what he has to say.  So I'm trying but it isn't easy.  Right now I have an extremely limited number of spoons to spend on my daily life.  Want to know what I'm talking about?  Google "spoon theory" or "but you don't look sick" for a very well written explanation of what it is like living with chronic pain or illness.

There is a trade off to living for me.  Shower, dress, eat, all cost spoons (energy).  Go to an appointment or a social event, costs more spoons (energy).  The trade off is that with every spoon I use I have less to use and each spoon used requires energy rebuilding (or washing the dishes) aka sleep in my case.  If I've spent all my spoons for the day and borrowed from the next day or two, I've hit the "wall" and my body says "We're done, we're sleeping NOW".  And I will fall asleep as soon as I stop moving or I won't be able to wake up because my body is recouping the energy it needs.  While this is going on, I'm missing out on Life, on my life and those around me.  It really sucks and I was hoping to have it fixed somehow so maybe I would have a few more spoons to add to my supply. 

I don't know what the future holds but I sure hope it includes more spoons so I can live instead of having to live with what I consider to be an expensive trade off.

Fair Chances?

I feel like my 'crazy' behavior has screwed everything up to the point that The Boss and S aren't able to give me a fair chance and won't ever be able to, despite verbal reassurances that they will.  They both jump on me every time I say something, they view my every word or behavior through negative filters all from the past.  It may be recent and yes it's my fault, but I need a fair chance if I'm going to make it.  Having my past behaviors thrown back at me or used to beat me down is going to keep me spiraling down.

When you're given the message that you're not worthy and haven't changed and won't change, over a long enough period of time it becomes your truth.  In my case I begin to question the sense in continuing to try to get some control of the 'crazy' or trying to have relationships with either of them.  Sometimes my give-a-damn is busted and I just want to quit.  Yeah I know, sappy, whiny, poor me. Suck it up, walk it off, just deal with it. That works well; not.

I am feeling bad about me today.  I've been in a downward spiral for a couple of days. The negative reactions from The Boss and S, plus possible back surgery, plus a definite move to an apartment that won't hold half the stuff we have is all tearing me up.  It's almost overwhelming.  I'm officiating at my sister's vow renewal at the beginning of July, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it if I have back surgery, the first month is spent laying sown, no sitting, standing, or activity.  I'll need a gurney to even be there.

I've hit that emotional wall and I can't take any more.  I am feeling depressed and like all the cards are stacked against me.  The Boss and S were the biggest part of my mental health support team, I think I've lost that from them.  In addition to everything else it's just another drop in the bucket of crap hanging over me.

How can I get a fair chance?  If I can't get that chance how can even I begin to prove myself to them?  Whenever I bring this up with either of them it ends in a fight of some sort, and somehow I'm always wrong.  My perceptions are incorrect, it's all in my imagination, etc.  In other words, since it isn't their truth it isn't true.  Talk about a mindf*ck for a crazy person who doubts her own thoughts, memories, and reality already.  The mother pulled this same crap on me and I still don't know if what I remember is real.  It's a real crappy thing to do to someone, that's for certain. :-(

Frustrations and Resentments

Alan and I have been together for 24 years now and our "wedding" was nothing close to what I would call a wedding. Us in jeans and Harley t-shirts, the preacher, his wife, daughter, and grandbaby, all strangers to us. We wouldn't even have the piece of paper had it not been for necessity.

I've been asking, begging, and pleading for a simple handfasting and party for the better part of 20 years now.I thought that with our 25th anniversary coming up next March, it would be the perfect time to plan for and do it.

But he's dragging his heels once again. It's always "not right now" or "just wait and see how things go".  I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want to celebrate our lives together in this way.  Like he doesn't want to renew vows and celebrate with friends and family.

And forget the topic of rings. Due to the nature of his work it is not safe to wear a ring, so any ring we bought him would just sit on the dresser collecting dust. Seems pointless to buy a ring at all. I suggested tattoo rings like a couple we know has done.  Nope, not going to happen.  He doesn't like the idea of visible tattoos especially on the hand to see his face as he looks at his hand, considering the idea, he looks disgusted and as if it's the worst suggestion ever.  I have to respect his feelings, it just seems like a huge impasse.

It hurts thinking he doesn't want to marry me or wear a symbol of that commitment.I feel so frustrated over this and he won't really talk about it.Heck, I thought I had a good idea, planning it all this far in advance. We could have set aside money here and there to save up for it. We could have had plenty of time to book the place to hold the ceremony/party and be assured of being able to secure it.

But it seems that he is averse to the entire idea so no ceremony, party, or rings of any sort.  I don't even know if he really will recollar me. I think he's waiting for me to go crazy again. It's a possibility for the rest of my life. I can't control it but I sure feel as if I'm being held accountable as if I can control it.

Update

The Boss and I talked some after he read this post, he made it clear that he has every intention of collaring me once we're through the training period.  He also stated that he'd like to have the ceremony/party and that in the near future we can start putting some money aside for it.  We're still at an impasse on the ring issue.  I have to admit, I didn't even ask him if he wanted rings of any sort.  I got a little crazy over it all and didn't even pause to consider his feelings or if I was being obedient in my behavior.  sigh

Just when things were going well...

Just when things were going well, I'd had no manic episodes in weeks (?), I'd been in a positive mood and mindset, and aside from the occasional road bump I was on the way up.

Then today happened.  I was cranky, angry, difficult to please, didn't care-I had to be ordered into the shower, in short I felt like my unmedicated self.   It felt awful and I had to consciously force myself to not lash out at the Boss or anyone else.

I took my shower and the Boss took me to get some dinner and then I went from feeling manic/angry to feeling jumpy/panicky/and overwhelmed by all the noise.  This wasn't very pleasant either but at least I have something to help with that.  Finally I calmed down to "normal", this would be my new attitude/behaviors where I'm nice, pleasant, myself, non-violent, moods are level and stable, and I'm fun to be with.  The rest of the evening with the Boss went well and I even got to snuggle up on the floor in front of him on my new cushion and reveled in head rubs.  I LOVE it when he rubs my head, it doesn't feel sexual, it just feels affectionate and the 'Big me' and 'lg' love it.

Anyway, I'm nervous.  What if I'm metabolizing the medication and it won't work at this dose any longer?  What then?  I'm tired of the medication tango.  I'm trying to not get ahead of myself but I've been at this point so many times within the last 8-9 months that I'm understandably skittish.

The Boss and I, and even S and I, are just starting to make some positive changes and progress.  I do not want to become the thing I was and tear all the good stuff down because I'm a psychotic jerk.

I'm hanging in there and waiting to see what the next week holds and I see the "team" for evaluation and updates.

I'm still working on me and taking baby steps in hopes of becoming the Boss's collared slave again-maybe "again" isn't the right word to use.  This is a new and different relationship we're building.  Still M/s, still power exchange, but stronger with a steady foundation.  I plan to be a whole person bringing a lot to the table this time around-hence all the work I'm doing.  The only way either of us will be successful as any type of couple is if we come into it with eyes wide open, full knowledge and understanding of what we want to create, and an understanding of the difference between day-to-day M/s and fantasy M/s.

Yes I'm getting off on a tangent but it's like 5:36 in the morning and this is not my usual time to be awake so I'm prone to rambling.

One of my big errors was going into both M/s relationships with an eye to being owned and being in service.  I had no idea what type of service I could or wanted to provide.  I didn't know what kind of slave I wanted to be.  I didn't know how they viewed M/s and I certainly didn't know what they really wanted in a slave, from me.  I made a lot of assumptions instead.  The Boss reminds me that I also forgot rule #1-Obey.  He says as long as I Obey, I can't go wrong, get in trouble, or disappoint him.  Makes sense huh?  It's so dang simple that it took me a little while to actually understand the concept!

If we do the Handfasting/Rose Ceremony I envision for our 25th anniversary of being together, I'd like to work the word 'Obey' in somewhere for me.  We used to joke around about the word 'Obey' being in our original wedding vows.  I swore up and down it wasn't, he swore up and down it was.  This way, there would be no doubt because I'd write it in there myself. ;-)

As a short aside:  I am in the process of creating a secondary journal.  It will be kept for the sole purpose of documenting my journey through Mr. Jack Rinella's book BECOMING A SLAVE: The Theory & Practice Of Voluntary Servitude.  Each chapter, including the introduction, has post-reading activities/questions.  I see these as a chance to hammer these new thoughts and lessons into my brain, I learn best if I write as well as read.  Somehow it gets into my long-term memory better.

So watch this spot for the announcement when that goes live.

As for the rest, I will survive.  I'm making plans for the near future, activities, things that will get me out of the isolation cycle I tend to fall into.  Psychologically I do tend toward the antisocial and as such, I tend to isolate a LOT, this computer being my only contact with the outside world for long periods of time.  Changing old behaviors is just one step toward a better 'me'.  :-)  Cheers!

Swinging

Not the fun kind. Mood swings. I was on an upswing for a few days and felt happy, peaceful, soft. Today it seems that I am on a downswing, feeling irritable, chaotic, and just not quite happy. I hate the downs, I really, really hate them. I can't stand the chaos in my head and sometimes I wish I had a "chaos shelter" where I could hide during these times.

It's really difficult to deal with people when I'm feeling like this, even more difficult to deal with two Owners who have the right to make demands of me, my time, and even my thoughts. When I'm in chaos I end up feeling like a cornered animal and I "bite" in response to feeling pressed for whatever They may need at the time. I'm remorseful afterward, I'm often remorseful during, but can't seem to always control what comes out of my mouth/head.

I'd like to say I've made some progress on this as I do swallow a lot of snarky comments that I would like to make. But if I make even one comment I think that negates whatever progress I might have made.

Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time trying to improve. Usually when I'm in chaos. Go figure.

I'm trying something new/old again. I'm trying to organize and schedule my life, almost every hour of every day, so I have the structure I need. I'm using FlyLady's method, or trying it. I may modify it, I may not, it depends on how it works with my life. I know a lot of people swear by her method and it looks very sound. I've always touted it as being a good resource for s-types wanting to give better domestic service. It's probably high time I take my own advice eh?

That's me today... meh.

Low

Today is a low day. I think to call it depression would be wrong, because it's not that kind of low.

Hopelessness, yes I feel that. But mostly just tired. I did my chore and have to exercise as promised to Sir. If I had not had the "to do" from Sir and from Master, I would not do. I would sit like a lump on the couch and watch Baz Lurhman's Romeo & Juliet over and over. I'm fixated on the movie today and if I could explain it I would.

"Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.2

I understand how she feels.

I do not want to exercise. I do not want to move. I do not want to cook dinner, I feel like the house drudgery slave, not in service to my Master but the house. There is no joy in this type of service. I cannot seem to find any joy in the day. I woke angry and took it out on Master. I don't care how understanding he is, it isn't fair to him. I don't think my crazy is under control.

If I have to smell the scent of cooked or uncooked chicken again I may just scream.

I'm off to do the rest of my "to do" or to at least contemplate doing it. But if I don't do it I will have to tell on myself and I don't want to do yet another disappointing thing.

My Crazy Family

Crazy like mine usually runs in families. It’s genetic, comforting eh? My children and grandchildren could develop it too. At least one of my children has crazy like mine only worse. If this child would seek help as I’ve begged him to do, he’d be so much happier.

Crazy started with the mother, could be further back but that’s as much as I know. She is Bipolar with a few sides, one being Borderline Personality Disorder.

My sister was just diagnosed as Bipoloar Level 2 the other day.

I went to the NIMH (National Institute for Mental Health) Web site in search of some answers and reading the symptoms for Bipolar disorder/Manic Depression was like reading about my own life. I’m not as extreme in some areas but can be more extreme in others. I’ve never been given an official diagnosis, I’ve never asked, and have only recently begun to be more honest and forthcoming with important information with my shrink. Perhaps with the new information she has a diagnosis now, or perhaps she doesn’t believe in diagnoses. I can only ask.

My very first “episode” I can remember is when my grandmother died. I was around seven years old. I broke with reality instead of accepting her death or coping with it in any way. I moved into my own reality and lived there quite firmly and happily until I was sent to my first shrink and therapist and “therapy school”. They trained the ability to disassociate right out of me. But I was functioning again, sort of.

All through my life I’ve had panic/anxiety attacks, bouts of depression and mania in various forms. In my early teens I started self-mutilation as a means of coping with impossible situations. That has evolved into cutting. The last episode was a suicide attempt/cry for help. My moods have always been mercurial, changing at a drop of a hat and disproportionate to the situation.

My crazy seems to be getting worse or more intense…I’m not sure what to call it. All I know is I need a concrete point to work from so I can learn to manage whatever this is so I can at least function in my personal life, if nowhere else.

The Men have stuck by my side through all of this and still somehow love and care for me. One would think after decades of this they’d want to be rid of me, but they’re not the types to quit and the Gods know I’m extremely thankful for this quality in both Men.

I do think that dealing with mental illness in O/p, M/s, or D/s relationships is different from dealing with mental illness in vanilla relationships. Maybe I’m wrong in this thinking, wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been wrong. lol But it seems to me that my crazy, anyway, can rob my Owners of the ability to own or enforce their will on their property. This is in addition to the usual relationship issues my crazy causes.

These are just a few thoughts running through my head right now as I process all the new information and memories I’d put out of sight.

Ever wonder who you are? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. There is ‘me’ and ‘not me’ as far as Sir and Master are concerned. I’m inclined to agree with them. ‘Not me’ is cold, extremely selfish, heartless, angry, sad, violent, and sometimes suicidal (usually passively). ‘Not me’ takes all of this out on either Sir or Master, wrongly. I know it sounds like I’m talking about different personalities and in many ways they are but they’re still part of the whole, not splintered bits.

Bone Weary

I sit here bone weary, barely able to keep my eyes open, I've had a busier day today than any other day in the last month. I saw Sir and we spent much good time together, he used me well and has left me marked and bruised. Lots of happy about that, it's been too long since I've felt an ache from being used so well. Once home I enticed Master into a before work quickie that was delicious. I don't know how the man does it but he hits the right spot with every thrust threatening to rip screams and growls from my throat when I must be quiet.

Oh but that wasn't enough for me, oh no. I decided I needed to work out. Really that's not up for debate I have to work out and strengthen my body and build muscle. So 20 minutes of upper body and core work on the balance ball followed by about 20 minutes of instructional Tae Bo. Holy COW am I exhausted and I just know I'm going to wake up aching tomorrow.

All of this is quick on the heels of sheer idiocy on my part. I got selfish and focused on my needs and how they're going unmet because Master is working 7 days a week and Sir's schedule is something else. Boo-hoo, poor me. I went mental and returned Sir's collar to him. I don't know what I'd hoped to accomplish but what I did do was hurt him deeply, show him the worst disrespect, and put our relationship on very shaky ground. I'm a moron sometimes. I wish I had some sort of alarm that would go off when I'm starting a 'bout of "lost my mind" so I can stop before I start.

Today was a blessing, having a few hours with Sir, being his to do with as he wished and attempting to serve with as much grace and humility as I was able. I'll never make up for the hurt I've caused but I hope I can at least soothe it a little and earn back his collar if he deems me worthy.

Okay, up to my room to practice some "slave positions" and then to bed with me and my heating pad.

New Beginnings

For the last few months I’ve been battling ulcer-like pain and it has been horrible.  The medications are barely helping with the pain.  The ulcer is tiny but the doc doesn’t think it’s the problem.  She feels its the fact that my pouch (bariatric surgery term for the new tummy after gastric bypass surgery)  is 2x too long.

This translates into me producing too much gastric juice, hence the pain.  Also a reason behind my not losing weight as I should have.  So, within the next month I should know whether or not I’m having a revision to shorten my pouch.  I’ll have better information Tuesday after my follow-up appointment with my surgeon.

I’m just thankful that an end to my pain and illness is in sight, and that my weight loss should start again!

I’m not looking forward to basically going through the entire gastric bypass surgery again and a recovery, not from laparoscopic surgery this time but from an open surgery.  It’s going to hurt much, but again, should be worth it to fix this problem and hopefully prevent future problems with ulcers.

At this point Master is worried about me, my health, and our finances while I’m off recovering.  HRS may be concerned about me but she’s masking it with concern that there won’t be enough cash flow for the new school year.  *sigh*

I can’t please everyone, all I can do is take care of myself.  I can’t do anything with or for anyone when I’m in pain so debilitating I’m writhing around and whining.

So that’s where I’m at today, trying to take care of me so I can take care of them.

Where I am and Where I'm going

I can't believe my last post here was so long ago. I've been focused on myself and this process, this journey, that I started in January. I wasn't sure I wanted to write about it here. I wasn't sure this was the appropriate place. Then I hit road blocks and all thoughts of writing went out the window only to be replaced with frustration, anger, and thoughts of quitting.

So what is this process? This journey? Put simply it is a journey to healthier, happier me. In January I became serious about pursuing laporoscopic gastric bypass surgery. My insurance required a six month doctor supervised diet, which I did with minimal results. Then at the end they did blood work and found a thyroid issue, which put surgery on hold until my thyroid was under control. I was approved by my insurances but at a stand still because of my thyroid. It took a month to get in to see an endocrinologist and then another month for the meds to work. Finally, finally my thyroid was under control at the end of September.

I was released by the endocrinologist for surgery and surgery was scheduled for November 3rd. Time seemed to creep and fly by almost simultaneously. My surgery was successful. Recovery, on the other hand, has been a bit of a rocky road. Less than two weeks post-op one of my main incisions became infected. I had a quarter-sized crater in my belly that hurt like Hades and left me feeling weak and tired.

The infection is gone and the crater has shrunken both in depth and in diameter. I've lost 31 pounds since surgery. Sounds easy doesn't it? It wasn't, isn't, and won't be.

After surgery I had no appetite so I had to force myself to sip water and milk. The first full week after surgery I was advanced to full liquids, which included the bane of my existence; the dreaded double milk. Double milk is 1 cup of skim milk blended with 1/3 cup of powdered milk. At first it was great because it filled me and satisfied my returning appetite. Now, if I ever have to drink double milk again I may just run away screaming. The last week on double milk I had to force myself to drink it because I knew my body needed it. I advanced myself to pureed foods a couple of days early because I just couldn't do double milk any longer. That was just this past weekend. Pureed foods on day one were heavenly now I just wish I could eat real food.

I'm having to learn, as if for the first time, what it means to feel full but not over-full. I have to take vitamins and supplements four times a day for the rest of my life. I have to make sure to get adequate protein or risk muscle wasting, hair loss, and malnutrition. I had buyer's remorse for a few weeks after surgery. I couldn't believe I'd done this to myself. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I can't imagine myself being half the person I am now at this time next year. I probably won't be if I don't get the exercise up to where the doctors want it. Sixty minutes a day, every day.

For at least three weeks after surgery I was a raging b*tch. I was angry all the time and I don't really understand. I've been told that it's my hormones going crazy and my body trying to adapt. Whatever it was I'm glad it's over because I was horrible to live with and I know I pushed Master to the brink more than once. I tell you, I am one lucky woman. Few men would stick by me the way Master has or cut me the slack he has.

Would I change my mind if I could? Are you kidding? This is the hard way to lose weight even if it does seem easy because it comes off so fast. But my new stomach doesn't let me overeat and I'm so thankful for that. It does, however, tolerate sugar and that's a problem I'll still have to struggle with.

Master has been my rock and support through all of this but I worry that my having this surgery and losing weight so rapidly is taking its toll on him. I think he feels pressured now to diet and exercise to keep up with me. I do want him healthy and fit but not for appearances, he's one sexy man, but I want to grow old with him and I worry that it won't happen if he doesn't take better care of himself.

I'm finally starting to feel like a person again instead of a medical patient and I find myself aching to serve so I'm slowly beginning to resume the services I performed before. It feels good to be getting back to normal. It's a slow road, my energy levels are still low and might be for a little while yet. But I do what I can and feel really good about it.

I don't know what the future holds for me or this blog at this point. I have a LOT of work to do in addition to living life and being grandma to not one but two beautiful baby granddaughters that we've been gifted with this year. I won't blog much about the little ladies but suffice it to say that Grandpa isn't the only one to be wrapped around their tiny little fingers.

Lost

I feel like a woman without a country. Rather a slave without a Master, sort of. He's still alive and well physically but the Master in him is in hiding, the Daddy in him died a long time ago. I've been struggling for a long time now but just kept my head down and kept on keeping on.

Today a text from Sir sent me over the edge, it sort of lanced the growing wound of anger, hurt, loss, and sadness. It all poured out at him, all my hurt and anger over having very little of his time and being a very, very small priority in his life. And all the feelings of loss and pain over not having the Master and Daddy in my life that I need and love so much.

I feel lost, drifting, alone yet not. I've become so service-oriented that I don't know how else to live. I need control in my life, I need someone to serve, I need SM, I need, I need, I need. I'm too needy.

I go back to work tomorrow and I'm worried about how that's going to go. I'm sick with it. Despite having my implant reprogrammed and my meds changed, I still can't do much without pain. I want to keep hoping that I'm still healing and that it will get better. But I'm scared that I won't be able to sit for even the four hours I'm scheduled to work without pain.

I'm miserable and unhappy today. Sometimes I think it's my own doing, I have all these needs and expectations and then I get hurt when they're not met. Duh! Quit needing and expecting and you'll be fine, right?

Funk-y

I've been in a funk for a while now. I had the surgery, technically it was successful. No infection, good healing, the implant is operating as it should.

However, I feel like I'm worse off now than I was before. I can't sit, stand, or walk for more than 30 minutes without pain that starts at my tailbone and works its way up toward my shoulder blades and down the backs of my legs to my toes. All this despite the spinal cord stimulator that is supposed to alleviate the butt/leg/foot pain.

I spent two hours sitting at a visitation/funeral yesterday and the rest of the day/night and most of today in pain as a result. I'm frustrated, angry, and scared. I don't know how I'm going to manage to work, much less try to live my life. My pain doc's nurse said "You're just over a month from surgery, give it time." How much time?? How much agony do I have to put up with before something freaking works?! Shouldn't I be improving? I'm not. I've hit this point and I don't seem to be moving past it. I've been at this point for the last two to three weeks and it just isn't getting any better. This leads me to wonder if this is it, if this is the best I can hope for.

Oh me of little faith, I know. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I want something to go right just once. I want to be as active as I was two years ago, I want to feel as good as I did then. I want to have a happy medium again so I can be active yet know my limits and work within them. This, this just doesn't work for me and I'm really bummed.

On The Other Side

So, I survived surgery. Go me! The first day was awful but each day I see improvement, the muscles are relaxing and aren't spasming as much. The incisions burn a little but it isn't like I'm not familiar with that type of pain so it's minor compared to the muscle spasms.

I'm trying hard to be a good girl and not overdo things despite feeling like I can do more when all the meds are on board and keeping much of the pain at bay. It isn't easy, just lying around doing next to nothing and having people wait on you when you're accustomed to being the waiter instead of being the waitee.

I'm not allowed to drive for at least three weeks, and not allowed to be a passenger for at least two weeks. That leaves me housebound, which really bites.

I have so many plans, so many things I want to do. I'm ready to get on with my life and yes, I'm slightly impatient to do so.

The prognosis is good, the surgery did go very well, and my nurses were extremely impressed with the sutures. I have to say, they are unlike any I've ever seen before, they're very detailed and precise. I hope this means the scaring will be minimal.

My libido was on hold due to not feeling very well but now that I'm starting to feel better it's coming back full bore and Alan is very adamant that we're not having sex until I'm healed. That's going to be a super long time. I'm going to grow cobwebs down there!

I'm anxious about how we're going to have to adapt our play so I'm impatient to talk with my surgeon about living with the implant but I won't see him for another five weeks or so. Not that I'll be up for playing before then anyway, but still, I want to know what goes on the "Don't" list. I hope not too many things. Alan and I just found the perfect gloves for our boxing play. I'd be sad if we couldn't do that anymore. I'd really miss the punching play we do too. Oh well, it's an unmanageable right now so there's no use worrying about it.

In the meantime, there's GOT to be a safe way to have sex that won't jar my back. *grins*