Frustrations and Resentments

Alan and I have been together for 24 years now and our "wedding" was nothing close to what I would call a wedding. Us in jeans and Harley t-shirts, the preacher, his wife, daughter, and grandbaby, all strangers to us. We wouldn't even have the piece of paper had it not been for necessity.

I've been asking, begging, and pleading for a simple handfasting and party for the better part of 20 years now.I thought that with our 25th anniversary coming up next March, it would be the perfect time to plan for and do it.

But he's dragging his heels once again. It's always "not right now" or "just wait and see how things go".  I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want to celebrate our lives together in this way.  Like he doesn't want to renew vows and celebrate with friends and family.

And forget the topic of rings. Due to the nature of his work it is not safe to wear a ring, so any ring we bought him would just sit on the dresser collecting dust. Seems pointless to buy a ring at all. I suggested tattoo rings like a couple we know has done.  Nope, not going to happen.  He doesn't like the idea of visible tattoos especially on the hand to see his face as he looks at his hand, considering the idea, he looks disgusted and as if it's the worst suggestion ever.  I have to respect his feelings, it just seems like a huge impasse.

It hurts thinking he doesn't want to marry me or wear a symbol of that commitment.I feel so frustrated over this and he won't really talk about it.Heck, I thought I had a good idea, planning it all this far in advance. We could have set aside money here and there to save up for it. We could have had plenty of time to book the place to hold the ceremony/party and be assured of being able to secure it.

But it seems that he is averse to the entire idea so no ceremony, party, or rings of any sort.  I don't even know if he really will recollar me. I think he's waiting for me to go crazy again. It's a possibility for the rest of my life. I can't control it but I sure feel as if I'm being held accountable as if I can control it.

Update

The Boss and I talked some after he read this post, he made it clear that he has every intention of collaring me once we're through the training period.  He also stated that he'd like to have the ceremony/party and that in the near future we can start putting some money aside for it.  We're still at an impasse on the ring issue.  I have to admit, I didn't even ask him if he wanted rings of any sort.  I got a little crazy over it all and didn't even pause to consider his feelings or if I was being obedient in my behavior.  sigh