Fair Chances?

I feel like my 'crazy' behavior has screwed everything up to the point that The Boss and S aren't able to give me a fair chance and won't ever be able to, despite verbal reassurances that they will.  They both jump on me every time I say something, they view my every word or behavior through negative filters all from the past.  It may be recent and yes it's my fault, but I need a fair chance if I'm going to make it.  Having my past behaviors thrown back at me or used to beat me down is going to keep me spiraling down.

When you're given the message that you're not worthy and haven't changed and won't change, over a long enough period of time it becomes your truth.  In my case I begin to question the sense in continuing to try to get some control of the 'crazy' or trying to have relationships with either of them.  Sometimes my give-a-damn is busted and I just want to quit.  Yeah I know, sappy, whiny, poor me. Suck it up, walk it off, just deal with it. That works well; not.

I am feeling bad about me today.  I've been in a downward spiral for a couple of days. The negative reactions from The Boss and S, plus possible back surgery, plus a definite move to an apartment that won't hold half the stuff we have is all tearing me up.  It's almost overwhelming.  I'm officiating at my sister's vow renewal at the beginning of July, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it if I have back surgery, the first month is spent laying sown, no sitting, standing, or activity.  I'll need a gurney to even be there.

I've hit that emotional wall and I can't take any more.  I am feeling depressed and like all the cards are stacked against me.  The Boss and S were the biggest part of my mental health support team, I think I've lost that from them.  In addition to everything else it's just another drop in the bucket of crap hanging over me.

How can I get a fair chance?  If I can't get that chance how can even I begin to prove myself to them?  Whenever I bring this up with either of them it ends in a fight of some sort, and somehow I'm always wrong.  My perceptions are incorrect, it's all in my imagination, etc.  In other words, since it isn't their truth it isn't true.  Talk about a mindf*ck for a crazy person who doubts her own thoughts, memories, and reality already.  The mother pulled this same crap on me and I still don't know if what I remember is real.  It's a real crappy thing to do to someone, that's for certain. :-(