Three Little Words.

So I overreacted to M's phone silence. All is well and things between the three of us are going really well. She told us lst weekend that she loves us. I felt so overjoyed to finally be able to tell her I love her. I'd been waiting for her to be ready to not only say it but to hear it. I felt complete when A told her he loved her.

 We went to a picnic put on by our kinky group and had lots of fun. I got to take pup Freki for a run/walk and it was really fun. I never knew I'd enjoy pet play like iI do but I love my pup. He's a good pup and the affection we share is just so yummy. We played a little bit with a guy at the picnic that A ordered me to go say hello to because I'd been drooling over him. I think I found a new playmate. He gives amazing reactions.

On Friday a longtime kinky friend of mine confessed that she would do anything for me. I feel overwhelmed by the level of devotion she expressed. I don't feel like I've earned it, maybe I don't feel worthy of it. I feel as though she's courting me as a submissive to a dominant. It's flattering and she is a very sweet girl and kinda cute too. But is there enough of me to go around?  Can I sustain another relationship? Especially since we're only a few short months into our relationship with M? L would be mine alone more than likely, if I went with whatever is possibly happening.

At the same time I'm being courted as a dominant in my own right, I'm feeling more submissive toward A. I want to be a better submissive to him. I crave to serve him better and with less sass or hesitation.

Oy vey! When it rains it pours and I've never felt so much more like my genuine self.

Yay! More Druggy Goodness!

Yay, instead of just upping the dose on my one anti-anxiety drug she adds an additional one to the cocktail.  She absolutely refuses to entertain the idea that when the dose is high enough the other works just fine.  I'm not happy but I'm giving it a try.  It will either work or it won't, right?

I hate Mondays.  Daddy has to go to work and I am lonely that first workday without him.  I try to not say it often.  But I do want him to know that he is valued and loved with such force of emotion that I miss him the entire night.   I look forward to the coming morning when I get to greet him at the door.

I love you Dominus!  I'm not trying just for me but for you too.

Confession-Good for the..?

I don't know what this confession will be good for other than providing the transparency and honesty I own my Dominus.  It's more than that, it's the open and honest communication required in any healthy relationship that I owe to both of us.

I hate to admit this to myself, to you, and to Dominus.  The relating of a few people we know has taken up way too much space in my brain and it has to stop.  I thought by not talking about it anymore would help.  I thought leaving a group I fairly enjoyed would help.  I even thought leaving a Web site where I got a good amount of support would help too.  I was wrong.  All of these things were toxic to me because of the people involved there and my inability to distance myself from the "content" of my feelings and getting sucked in deeply every time I read something new about them.  My need for vindication, to be heard, to be believed, and to be valued were so great that it ate me from the inside out.

I learned through the grapevine that a few people who, much like a car wreck, I haven't been able to avoid looking at (being emotionally invested in) have split.  Like the child I am, I couldn't resist temptation and I went back to take a peek.  I wanted to see abject misery, I wanted to say "I told you so!!" to a few people, I wanted to be so petty and hurtful but I couldn't.  It wasn't fear of being caught out so much as it was I am simply not that person anymore.  I don't want to be her.

I felt empathy for them, I wanted to help them.  I hoped beyond hope that they'd both be open to the life's lessons sitting square in front of them waiting to be examined and learned.  I know, it isn't my place to decide who should learn what and when.  It's just, I can see the lessons waiting for them and I'm slightly disappointed because it seems the lessons are being ignored as the people are so caught up in the emotional content of what is going on.  Gods know I can't blame them, I know their pain.

I feel bad for them and the hurt they're experiencing.  There is still that petty little monster inside me that wants to say "Serves you right!".  I'd like to kick that little monster into a dusty corner somewhere.

I am sorry to my Dominus for my misbehavior.  I knew I shouldn't go back, I wasn't supposed to, and  I don't have a good reason for doing it.

I am sorry in general for wishing anyone ill.  Karma is going to catch me up and it's going to hurt.

I am disappointed in myself for disobeying Dominus, for giving in to those base urges of watching the car wreck that was the end of their relationship, and for being an all around lousy human being for a couple of months now.

I would like to make amends to Dominus for deliberately disobeying his commands.  I knew better but I disobeyed anyway.

I would like to earn Dominus' forgiveness.  I'd like to be able to forgive myself and not hang on to the bad feelings.

Mostly, I just want to take away the disappointed look I know will be in Dominus' eyes.  I'm scared of seeing and feeling his disappointment in me.

Yearning

I've been without active dominance for a very long time and it's wearing on me.

I have learned to live without it, for the most part. Then I run into someone whose dominance screams at my submission but that isn't quite the arrangement we have.

I yearn for that dominance to be directed toward me. I almost ache for it. He knows but being as dominant as he is... he controls if/how/when things progress. It makes me yearn and ache more. Sometimes I wonder if, knowing this, he uses it somehow. Then I think, "nahhh".

I don't know if he'll ever want to own me.

Often I imagine I'm going to be "Lifestyle single" forever. Unowned. That makes the yearning turn to ache, then to frenzy.

Being frenzied is one of the worst mental places to be (aside from being at some point in mania). You ache, want, need so badly that you'll do just about anything to get what you want and need, to ease that ache. Then someone reminds you that frenzy is unattractive and turns potential dominants off. So you move through and past the frenzy and you're left with only the ache, want, and need.

You want to beg for more play, at least during play you get a little of the dominance you crave. But begging can be unattractive too so you ask and leave it in his hands with hope that he'll want to play and have time to do so.

Sometimes being submissive sucks balls.

Daddy's Lil Girl/Property

I know it can be done and people do it all the time.  I just don't know how to wrap my head around it yet.  I've always been Daddy's lil girl and we've been Owner/property for several years.  We've had our ups and downs and always seem to make our way through them, thank the gods.

I'm just wondering if a lil girl can respond as property.  Both are part of who I am but I've been primarily property for the last several years with lil girl sitting quietly in the background.  I've been reacting as adult property, not lil girl property.

I think I'm overthinking it and making it more complicated than it needs to be.  So far I seem to be reacting as lil girl property, which, I believe is the response he wants.  I did goof on the grocery list/menu, I put down burgers on the grill for a meal and noted "Daddy makes".  Our youngest daughter caught it and laughed it off, so that wasn't the blow-up I was afraid of..

I'm the good lil girl type of lil girl and I work harder to please my Daddy.  However, I have a Goth lite side to me, an evil sprite if you will. It's weird because as property I love serving my owner and seeing that pleased look on his face and feeling his approval.  I did work hard to please my Owner but I don't feel like I worked as hard as I do as lil girl.  Maybe it's due to the Daddy/daughter relationship, lil girls always want to stay in Daddy's good graces and they just love their Daddies so much that they will go to the moon and back to make them smile in that loving Daddy way.  You know, the smile that says you're the bestest lil girl in the whole wide world, cherished and loved as if no one else exists.

I like that feeling and I think having Daddy/daughter be primary our primary interaction will work pretty well for us.  I wonder if Daddy would buy his lil girl some Hello Kitty and Tinkerbell t-shirts?  I really, really need them. :-D

Swinging

Not the fun kind. Mood swings. I was on an upswing for a few days and felt happy, peaceful, soft. Today it seems that I am on a downswing, feeling irritable, chaotic, and just not quite happy. I hate the downs, I really, really hate them. I can't stand the chaos in my head and sometimes I wish I had a "chaos shelter" where I could hide during these times.

It's really difficult to deal with people when I'm feeling like this, even more difficult to deal with two Owners who have the right to make demands of me, my time, and even my thoughts. When I'm in chaos I end up feeling like a cornered animal and I "bite" in response to feeling pressed for whatever They may need at the time. I'm remorseful afterward, I'm often remorseful during, but can't seem to always control what comes out of my mouth/head.

I'd like to say I've made some progress on this as I do swallow a lot of snarky comments that I would like to make. But if I make even one comment I think that negates whatever progress I might have made.

Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time trying to improve. Usually when I'm in chaos. Go figure.

I'm trying something new/old again. I'm trying to organize and schedule my life, almost every hour of every day, so I have the structure I need. I'm using FlyLady's method, or trying it. I may modify it, I may not, it depends on how it works with my life. I know a lot of people swear by her method and it looks very sound. I've always touted it as being a good resource for s-types wanting to give better domestic service. It's probably high time I take my own advice eh?

That's me today... meh.

Catharsis

I got it in spades last night. I asked for it and got it. What I asked for was heavy SM play, I wanted to play with the Sadist. I didn't really know it was catharsis I needed or wanted until it happened.

Sometimes Master and I will play and spar together, we "box". Last night he decided he wanted to do that instead of what we'd originally decided to do. But I couldn't, I simply couldn't fight back no matter how hard he hit me. Note to self: being punched in the jaw kinda hurts a lot. At one point he had me backed against a wall choking me and my legs just gave out, I ended up sliding down the wall, him with me, til we were both kneeling on the floor. It was at that point he understood that I couldn't fight back despite his order for me to do so.

He changed tack and decided to beat me instead. He had me lean against the cross and just laid into me. No warm up at all. I don't know how I stood there and kept taking it. I really don't. I kept begging over and over "please, please, please, please stop", knowing he wouldn't stop, not really wanting him to stop. He used the wooden paddle and I ended up cowering on the floor wrapped around one leg of the cross. I was lost in such a deep submissive mindset, I couldn't not do what he wanted. He wanted to beat me and I had to take it, wanted to, needed to. So I stood up again and took my place against the cross once more. He doesn't like to bind me, usually I've got some fight in me and he likes the possibility that I may turn on him.

For me the beating seemed to last forever, I cried the entire time.. just cried myself out. When he was finished with me I curled into a little ball on the couch next to him and just laid there. At peace, finally. It was a blessing. I don't know how long it will last. I didn't have the "happy, goofy, endorphin rush" after like I normally have. I was just empty and at peace. I spent today just recovering, I'm just a wee bit bruised, and the body has its limitations and needs some rest after such rigorous use. It's a price I happily pay for the opportunity to serve as masochist to his Sadist and for occasional catharsis.

Thank you Master.

Quiet

I'm feeling quiet now. Had a good cry earlier after doing my slave devotional/mantra. It wasn't for any specific reason other than letting off some pressure and letting go of some icky feelings.

The slave may be used as her Master sees fit.

That is the last line in my mantra and it keeps playing over and over in my head. There's no guarantee here that my needs will be met, consistently or otherwise. But they tell me they want to take care of me and will do so, in their own time. That is hard to accept because their time doesn't always link up with what I think it should be. But...I didn't sign on for "it's all about me" if that was the case I'd be on top wouldn't I? And I'm not, I'm not built to be on top even if I have some tendencies that way, I can't sustain it.

I actually feel accomplished and at peace for the moment. It's a good feeling. I cleaned and polished my boots and cleaned and conditioned Master's shoes. I never really thought about it but leather care is kind of meditative for me. It's just me and the leather, my hands working to nourish and care for the leather. And afterward my hands are left soft and smelling of beeswax and it's a heck of a great smell. I know I've done something good with these hands when they smell of beeswax. I know I've done a good service, not only for Master but for the leather. It pleases me to see clean and happy leather and to see Master wearing that leather. And now, myself, I have my own leather boots. Tacticals and they're just awesome. I can't bear to let the poor things sit dirty despite them being meant for work not show.

The World Didn't Stop!

I was amazed, the World didn't stop revolving, I didn't explode into flame and the kids didn't even act as if it were unusual.

I've begun serving Master his food and beverages while kneeling within the past few days. Yesterday all the kids were here and it was dinner time. I looked at Master for direction, he nodded and I knelt to give him his food and beverage. I waiting for outcries and protests but they carried on their conversations as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I was relieved beyond belief and continued to serve him that way throughout the night.

Understand our kids are grown and nearly grown. We aren't exposing little ones to overt M/s or BDSM. I'm only kneeling to serve my Owner as a way of honoring him. It is profound for he and I, to them it's just their parents being quirky as usual.

I don't mind being quirky. We're already odder than their friends' parents, we're still married. Their friends' parents have almost all been divorced and remarried at least once. So one more quirk added to our list. I can handle that. :-)

I Miss It

It feels like ages since Master and I have played and I really miss it. Sometimes I crave chocolate so badly that I can almost taste it. I'm craving a spanking in the same way. I want to whimper and beg when Master teases me with a light swat on the behind. There have been instances where I have stuck my bottom out, inviting more. It's always a tease, because he hasn't been able to give me a proper spanking. We rarely have time to ourselves and when we do we're both too tired to do a thing about it.

The reality of 24/7 M/s isn't nearly as fun as the fantasy. I'd give quite a bit to be able to live some of the fantasy. Okay, that's not true, I can't back that up. It just seems like we had the ideal life and we've lost it somewhere along the way.

And yet, my feelings are mixed. Once upon a time I served my Master domestically, sexually, and we played fairly regularly. Only, I struggled a lot with obedience and surrender. I've changed in the last few months. For the better I think. I feel surrendered to him, I love serving him as I'm able and I feel sad when there is something I can't do for him. I feel a calmness inside that wasn't there before. I wouldn't want to have the life we did have at the expense of this change, this calmness. I would like to find a way to have both, to keep this calmness and state of surrender while re-incorporating the life we had, thus creating an improved, more complete M/s relationship.

Sometimes the prospect seems improbable, there are so many challenges facing us right now and I wonder if we'll be able to overcome all of them. I wonder too if he misses what we had and if he wants it back. He never says one way or the other so I never know what's going on behind those laughing eyes. Do you miss the SM Master? Do you miss the way things were? Do you long for a return to what we once had or an improvement on it like I do? Do you miss being served to the extent you once were? Do you miss the ritual we did when I got home from work? I do. I miss it all, I want it all back, somehow.

Duh!

I had a 2x4 moment today while reading through my s-type only e-mail list. It was while reading a response to a question about how to separate one's submission from one's daily life that it happened. The responder stated that there are so many things we do each day that are acts of service, though we may not see them as such, they still are.

He has been saying much the same thing to me for the past six months, just not in as many words. It seems to have been a gradual process that ended with a sudden "Duh! Now I get it!"

It felt like I'd zoomed way out and had a bird's eye view of the bigger picture of my life with the Boss.

My working full-time has had some very positive benefits that far outweigh the perceived negatives. The Boss has told me over and over that by working full-time I've taken some serious stress off his shoulders. He no longer worries about what might happen to me and our youngest daughter should something happen to him. He has a lot more money to make ends meet with. But more than that, a benefit I'm not sure he's made the connection to, his blood pressure. It's always been high and has never really been controllable with medication, at one point they had him on three different medications which left him with very little quality of life because he was so sleepy all the time. He'd stopped taking them all because he didn't like the side effects or the cost. Just a few months ago he saw his doctor and his blood pressure was normal, all by itself! The next visit did see his blood pressure a bit elevated and the doctor put him on one medication. The next visit, that one medication was controlling his BP just fine. I think all that stress and worry were making his already high BP uncontrollable.

So, while I may miss being able to serve him as a housewife, cooking, cleaning, & greeting him at the door when he gets home from work, I'm still serving him. My service has just changed and it's far more valuable to him right now than my housekeeping services.