It's been a bit since I've had anything to write. I was in such a fog, embroiled in the chaos of mental illness and loss. It took a long time to find acceptance of life as it is now. One big lesson I've learned is this: life is always in flux and you have to be accepting of change. It will happen whether you want it to or not. I'm not change friendly but we're learning to at least be civil to each other.
My former Sir, we'll call him S, is still my friend. We still love each other and we're taking things one day at a time. We're learning to relate (at least I am) to each other in a different way. I did him and myself a huge disservice when we talked about creating a M/s relationship together. I failed to ask him his view of M/s, what he wanted in a slave, and what he saw as our future as a M/s couple. I also failed to take the time to know myself and know what I wanted in a master, in a M/s relationship, and what I had to offer. My biggest failure? I became all the negative things I believed were true about me and I stopped obeying.
I made the same horrible mistake with the Boss/husband and it took me backing out of the relationship, taking off the collar, and a lot of other gut wrenching, painful crap to get to where I'm at now. Learning to surrender, to submit, and to obey. I'm not making the same mistake twice, neither is the Boss, we are building a strong foundation for all aspects of our relationship, not just the M/s. This time around he is the Boss and I'm so happy I could cry. I'm getting to know him again, and learning to relate to him as my husband and the man who will hopefully own me again.
The painful crap was necessary for this rebirth, and I really believe that is what this is, a rebirth of me, of him, of us, and of our entire relationship. One doesn't get second chances often and I can't believe I am so blessed to have this, these, chance(s).
I truly believed the Boss and S would stop loving me through one of the darkest times in my life and I did everything I could to prove that I was right. I didn't believe they could really love me in the first place because I knew I was unlovable. I was verbally abusive to them both and I beat up on them emotionally when I was in the depths of my illness, I was sabotaging my own relationships. It isn't easy to admit this to myself, to them, or to you folks. I wasn't a good person, I was toxic. When S released me I started my journey to rock bottom. It was a Cosmic 2x4, a wake-up call. If I'd continued on as I was I would have lost S as a friend, the Boss as my husband, and possibly mySelf. It was truly a dark night of the soul for all of us.
Today I feel. I mean I really feel. I'm stronger for the experiences, I've found my "muchness" again and I'm very much me. I believe I am a woman worth pursuing because my muchness is there for all to see. That isn't to say I don't still have bad days, I do. I'm just taking things one day at a time, one minute at a time if I have to. I have new challenges, as well as old challenges, to get through. But I'm starting to be able to see that I'll be okay, I can do it, and I can handle it. Why? Because I am capable.
I don't need a master to coddle and protect me like some wilting flower, I can stand on my own two feet. I need a master because I must serve another, I am built to do so. I come from a position of strength, and that's the only way one can successfully surrender to another. A weak woman cannot serve, surrender, or submit.
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