Where I am and Where I'm going

I can't believe my last post here was so long ago. I've been focused on myself and this process, this journey, that I started in January. I wasn't sure I wanted to write about it here. I wasn't sure this was the appropriate place. Then I hit road blocks and all thoughts of writing went out the window only to be replaced with frustration, anger, and thoughts of quitting.

So what is this process? This journey? Put simply it is a journey to healthier, happier me. In January I became serious about pursuing laporoscopic gastric bypass surgery. My insurance required a six month doctor supervised diet, which I did with minimal results. Then at the end they did blood work and found a thyroid issue, which put surgery on hold until my thyroid was under control. I was approved by my insurances but at a stand still because of my thyroid. It took a month to get in to see an endocrinologist and then another month for the meds to work. Finally, finally my thyroid was under control at the end of September.

I was released by the endocrinologist for surgery and surgery was scheduled for November 3rd. Time seemed to creep and fly by almost simultaneously. My surgery was successful. Recovery, on the other hand, has been a bit of a rocky road. Less than two weeks post-op one of my main incisions became infected. I had a quarter-sized crater in my belly that hurt like Hades and left me feeling weak and tired.

The infection is gone and the crater has shrunken both in depth and in diameter. I've lost 31 pounds since surgery. Sounds easy doesn't it? It wasn't, isn't, and won't be.

After surgery I had no appetite so I had to force myself to sip water and milk. The first full week after surgery I was advanced to full liquids, which included the bane of my existence; the dreaded double milk. Double milk is 1 cup of skim milk blended with 1/3 cup of powdered milk. At first it was great because it filled me and satisfied my returning appetite. Now, if I ever have to drink double milk again I may just run away screaming. The last week on double milk I had to force myself to drink it because I knew my body needed it. I advanced myself to pureed foods a couple of days early because I just couldn't do double milk any longer. That was just this past weekend. Pureed foods on day one were heavenly now I just wish I could eat real food.

I'm having to learn, as if for the first time, what it means to feel full but not over-full. I have to take vitamins and supplements four times a day for the rest of my life. I have to make sure to get adequate protein or risk muscle wasting, hair loss, and malnutrition. I had buyer's remorse for a few weeks after surgery. I couldn't believe I'd done this to myself. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I can't imagine myself being half the person I am now at this time next year. I probably won't be if I don't get the exercise up to where the doctors want it. Sixty minutes a day, every day.

For at least three weeks after surgery I was a raging b*tch. I was angry all the time and I don't really understand. I've been told that it's my hormones going crazy and my body trying to adapt. Whatever it was I'm glad it's over because I was horrible to live with and I know I pushed Master to the brink more than once. I tell you, I am one lucky woman. Few men would stick by me the way Master has or cut me the slack he has.

Would I change my mind if I could? Are you kidding? This is the hard way to lose weight even if it does seem easy because it comes off so fast. But my new stomach doesn't let me overeat and I'm so thankful for that. It does, however, tolerate sugar and that's a problem I'll still have to struggle with.

Master has been my rock and support through all of this but I worry that my having this surgery and losing weight so rapidly is taking its toll on him. I think he feels pressured now to diet and exercise to keep up with me. I do want him healthy and fit but not for appearances, he's one sexy man, but I want to grow old with him and I worry that it won't happen if he doesn't take better care of himself.

I'm finally starting to feel like a person again instead of a medical patient and I find myself aching to serve so I'm slowly beginning to resume the services I performed before. It feels good to be getting back to normal. It's a slow road, my energy levels are still low and might be for a little while yet. But I do what I can and feel really good about it.

I don't know what the future holds for me or this blog at this point. I have a LOT of work to do in addition to living life and being grandma to not one but two beautiful baby granddaughters that we've been gifted with this year. I won't blog much about the little ladies but suffice it to say that Grandpa isn't the only one to be wrapped around their tiny little fingers.