My Crazy Family

Crazy like mine usually runs in families. It’s genetic, comforting eh? My children and grandchildren could develop it too. At least one of my children has crazy like mine only worse. If this child would seek help as I’ve begged him to do, he’d be so much happier.

Crazy started with the mother, could be further back but that’s as much as I know. She is Bipolar with a few sides, one being Borderline Personality Disorder.

My sister was just diagnosed as Bipoloar Level 2 the other day.

I went to the NIMH (National Institute for Mental Health) Web site in search of some answers and reading the symptoms for Bipolar disorder/Manic Depression was like reading about my own life. I’m not as extreme in some areas but can be more extreme in others. I’ve never been given an official diagnosis, I’ve never asked, and have only recently begun to be more honest and forthcoming with important information with my shrink. Perhaps with the new information she has a diagnosis now, or perhaps she doesn’t believe in diagnoses. I can only ask.

My very first “episode” I can remember is when my grandmother died. I was around seven years old. I broke with reality instead of accepting her death or coping with it in any way. I moved into my own reality and lived there quite firmly and happily until I was sent to my first shrink and therapist and “therapy school”. They trained the ability to disassociate right out of me. But I was functioning again, sort of.

All through my life I’ve had panic/anxiety attacks, bouts of depression and mania in various forms. In my early teens I started self-mutilation as a means of coping with impossible situations. That has evolved into cutting. The last episode was a suicide attempt/cry for help. My moods have always been mercurial, changing at a drop of a hat and disproportionate to the situation.

My crazy seems to be getting worse or more intense…I’m not sure what to call it. All I know is I need a concrete point to work from so I can learn to manage whatever this is so I can at least function in my personal life, if nowhere else.

The Men have stuck by my side through all of this and still somehow love and care for me. One would think after decades of this they’d want to be rid of me, but they’re not the types to quit and the Gods know I’m extremely thankful for this quality in both Men.

I do think that dealing with mental illness in O/p, M/s, or D/s relationships is different from dealing with mental illness in vanilla relationships. Maybe I’m wrong in this thinking, wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been wrong. lol But it seems to me that my crazy, anyway, can rob my Owners of the ability to own or enforce their will on their property. This is in addition to the usual relationship issues my crazy causes.

These are just a few thoughts running through my head right now as I process all the new information and memories I’d put out of sight.

Ever wonder who you are? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. There is ‘me’ and ‘not me’ as far as Sir and Master are concerned. I’m inclined to agree with them. ‘Not me’ is cold, extremely selfish, heartless, angry, sad, violent, and sometimes suicidal (usually passively). ‘Not me’ takes all of this out on either Sir or Master, wrongly. I know it sounds like I’m talking about different personalities and in many ways they are but they’re still part of the whole, not splintered bits.