Fixing Me

So we all know I battle depression and panic/anxiety (if we didn't know this we know now). I've been trying for a long time to heal myself and pull up out of the mire of mental illness. My methods weren't working. Since August I've been getting (I believe) progressively worse.

I've had more bouts of what I call mania, Sir calls it obsession. I get this manic energy and latch onto an issue and I can't seem to let go despite knowing my behavior is out of control and not wanting to be that way. It isn't me. Sir has said that it isn't me many times, I agree, it is so not me or the me I want to be.

So I'm trying Sir's way in the hope that he's right and it will work. I trust him and see the way he reacts to everything and want to be able to react with such a positive attitude and outlook on life.

So I'm currently reading a book called Don't Sweat The Small Stuff: and it's all small stuff It could have been written by Sir, I swear there are phrases in there he's said to me more than once. It's eerie but that tells me he's onto something and I need to listen and pay attention. I'm trying to put it into practice as I read it even if I'm not always successful. I feel calmer and more positive on days when I am successful. I like who I am on these days and this is the person I want to be every day. Calm, respectful, unruffled by the small stuff, relaxed, and happy. Most of all, happy.

In addition to the book(s) I'm reading, I'm also seeing my shrink and therapist more regularly and I have support to help keep me honest. The support feels good and isn't at all the nightmare I thought it would be (past issues). We're also working on creating a daily schedule for me, which includes time for meditation, slave devotional, exercise, and hobby/fun stuff. It also includes some things to get and keep my physical health on track too. I thrive with structure despite fighting it at times. I would have done well in the military had I not had an authority issue. ;-)

I'm about 50% in line with the schedule but it has only been in effect since Wednesday. I will get 100% in line within the next week. I need to because my mental and physical well-being, as well as my relationships, depend on it.

If I were to have a message it would be don't neglect your mental health it will affect your relationships whether they be vanilla or M/s. It's really difficult to be submissive when your mind is cluttered with chaos.

During my out of control periods I have hurt my Masters deeply and it's not something you can take back no matter how much you wish you could.