ReOrganization

I finally gave up the ghost, I was trying to slave to a man who didn't seem to want to Master any longer. This happened a while back and though I'm not proud of it, I did entertain thoughts of divorce. I was miserable and I'm sure I was making him miserable. It felt like there was a giant chasm between us and I couldn't (or wouldn't) build a bridge to get back to him and to sort things out.

I took someone's advice and just let it all go for a while, didn't talk about M/s or SM, and I didn't try to even serve so I didn't pressure him. His desires are still there but it seems they've changed some.

We're trying to re-create our relationship now, starting slow and taking baby steps. I'm working on building up trust in him again, trust that he won't abandon me like it seemed he did before. It's horrible to suddenly realize the Master you've come to trust to be there holding the borders and enforcing the boundaries isn't there anymore. It isn't as if I didn't try to talk about it, I did, for four years and waited, and waited, and waited.

I'm not sure if I can submit to him again given the loss of trust, maybe it's a lack of wanting to because I don't want to be let down again. It's easier to withdraw and protect myself than to put myself out there again.

He's still a wonderful, caring husband and has never stopped being that. He's willing to do just about anything to ensure my happiness. But I don't want the Master back if he's only doing it to make me happy. I don't want to be served, I don't want something simply because I want it and the other person doesn't but is doing it to make me happy. I hope that made sense.

There are other changes I'll address in a separate post.