Hmm

I'm not sure what to think, do, or feel at this point.  I saw my doc for a follow-up to the test I had done last week.  Last week the doc said we'd talk today about options because he felt I wasn't a surgical candidate.  Today he gives me a new drug and tells me he's going to run me by the surgeon to see if he'll fuse just one of the discs since he feels it's that disc causing my leg pain.

There are SO many pros and cons to consider.  If I have L5-S1 fused what will happen to L3-L4, which is also bad and causing consistent pain too?  What will happen to the good disc L4-L5?  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know what will help or will make things worse.

Do I try the fusion and hope it doesn't make things worse?  Or do I sit around and just wait for the bad discs to completely disappear and then live with worse pain?  Or will the fusion make the pain worse?

I see the surgeon in a few weeks I guess he'll lay out the the what ifs and will decide if he thinks I'm worth operating on.

I really hate this life sometimes.  This choice is a crapshoot and I won't know until a year or more out if it was the right decision if I do have the surgery.  I've failed every conservative treatment and drug so far.  Good grief, I've been on a neuro drug that sidelines as a treatment for nerve pain and it doesn't help.  I'm on 24/7 pain meds, doesn't help.  I have to try a pain/muscle relaxer drug now and I have no idea what it's going to do, or not do.  I feel like pain and drugs for that pain are in my life forever at this point.  I'm angry, so angry at this.  Why can't it be an easy fix? 

I did accomplish one thing I've been wanting, a handicap parking sign for my car so I don't have far to walk from the store, that's the worst, having to walk forever to my car after having been in the store.  I'm usually near tears by the time I'm walking out of the store, once I get to my car I just fall into it and pull my legs in with my hands.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to earn this pain and suffering.  I know it's a pitypoorme thing but.. really sometimes it feels like I earned it somehow.  I want a reason for why I have this "disease".  Why is my back falling apart?  Why?  Will I ever get my life back?  Even part of it?