Released: The Sequel

Wow, there MUST be something really wrong with me.  I'm unworthy of being owned, it seems.  And my inner kid is unworthy of being loved.  Alan and I were starting over, I thought we were working on fixing what was broken, rebuilding our M/s relationship.  He even wrote up rules for both of us, guidelines for the relationship, and bought notebooks for us to write down issues we needed to talk about during our free talk night.

We stopped talking.  We played a couple of times and both were unsatisfying to him.  He told me the last time we played, right after we played, that it was unsatisfying for him because my pain tolerance is near zero so he didn't get to feed the sadist.  He enjoyed my service and still wants me to serve and have kinky sex and SM in the bedroom.  I don't know why, it feels like he's being selfish.  At the same time it at least gives me a service outlet

I feel like I've been served with divorce papers.  My neck feels light and naked without a collar.  I feel lost and worthless.  I don't really know what to do or how to live bedroom kink and pretty much vanilla the rest of the time.

I still have a slave heart and a strong desire/need to be owned and controlled.  I still have an inner kid who needs to be loved, treasured, cherished, and doted on.  How do I get these needs met when neither of my partners are interested?

My heart is broken, and I do NOT want to live a vanilla life.  But I don't seem to have a choice.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I know what I want to do and I'm teetering on the brink.

My sister recommends a trial separation.  Do you do a trial separation when the power exchange goes south?  Even if the rest of the relationship is relatively okay and you're still in love with each other?  It's not really in the cards to have an actual separation.  The best I can do is move into the spare room and move my toiletries into the main bathroom until we move out of this place.

Maybe it would help us appreciate what we have.  I don't know.  Everything is upside down and bassackwards today.  Part of me just wants to give up in general.

I have no idea where to go from here.  I don't know where we'll go from here.  How do I live as a vanilla wife?  I haven't been one in so many years and what I remember of that was continual fighting due to constant power struggles.

Part of me feels angry that I've been released and feels vindictive and spiteful.  This part of me wants to punish Alan for the pain caused even though he's hurting too.  He feels like he failed me as a man, as an owner, and as a mate.  How do we get through this?  I don't know how.  I don't know if I want to.  I don't want this.