Much More Muchier

I used to feel much more muchier than I do now.  I feel like I've lost my muchness.  I don't feel like me anymore.  There's a distinct lack of passion for most all areas of my life.  That is not me, it isn't the me I used to be and want to be again.

I'm doing my husband and Owner a huge disservice with neglect to his feelings and needs.  I don't know how to meet his needs when I have no desire for those things and, in fact, go into a panic thinking about it.  How can I be doing this to him?  I love him and I want to make him happier than he is now.  I know my neglecting him is contributing to his unhappiness.  Gods know I don't want us to fall into being a sexless couple forever and ever.

Other than going completely off meds, I don't know what else to do.  I know the meds are to blame, everything physical checks out as normal.  We talked today, he tells me going off meds is not an option.  I got the impression that divorce would follow if I went off meds and back to the manic freak I was.  The thing is, I'm afraid divorce could follow extended neglect.

I'm scared that my brain is changed forever, that the meds have ruined everything and that this person is who I will always be now.  I don't like this person.  I didn't like the manic me either but at least I had passion and desire.  I LIVED.  Now I just seem to exist.

I'm having a hard time feeling attached or bound to anyone but the people I live with.  Even then, I like being alone more often than not because I don't have the stress of their needs and feeling like a failure because I can't seem to meet them.

WHY does there have to be such an expensive trade off?  It feels like a punishment.  I've lost my life, I've lost myself.