It was the first time in quite a while that Daddy and his lil girl got to play and we made the most of it. We'd been talking about it for weeks, rather I'd been asking him for some Daddy/lil girl time and he'd said "Yeah let's do it sometime." During the last conversation we had about it he told me some very specific things that he wanted to do and wear for that time. Well, as it would happen I ended up with a weekday off (yesterday) and made all the preparations so that I'd be ready if he was up for it.
When he got home yesterday evening he said he was too tired to do much of anything. I did my best to not let my disappointment show or ruin the evening. I've been needing Daddy/lil girl time and could probably use a lot more. When I think that it might be a possibility I tend to start slipping into lil girl space, it's hard to prevent it. Hello Kitty is my weakness, as are all things pink and "Princess", in lil girl space. Last week I had to stop at the store and pick up some stain remover. As I was walking past the dollar bins I noticed, yep you guessed it, Hello Kitty stuff. Hair clips, barrettes, pony ties, play jewelry sets, note pads, pens... I was in lil girl overload/heaven. I wanted everything! It was only a dollar each and a dollar isn't much, right? I got a package of pony ties (pink of course with Hello Kitty heads on two of them) and a package of clippy barrettes (also pink w/HK heads on two of them). It's funny just how happy that small $2 purchase made me. When I got home I laid them proudly on my side of the bed for Daddy to see.
Unfortunately he wasn't as thrilled about my purchase as I was, or as I'd thought he would be. I'd made a purchase without permission. *sigh* He wasn't angry but he wasn't happy either and it took a lot of the wind out of my sails. I felt about two inches tall and felt like I'd never have an occasion to wear my new HK hair stuff. Don't ask me how or why but it felt to me as if it wasn't the measely (to me) two dollars I'd spent without permission that he was upset about but the fact that I'd bought something for my inner kid. Sometimes I think he doesn't want or need to be my Daddy any more and when he got upset about the purchase it sort of cemented my perception, proved that I was "right" that he didn't want to be my Daddy and that he didn't want me to be his, or anyone's, lil girl.
Then, later last night he managed to get "in the mood" and sent me upstairs to do my hair and put on a little make-up. Yes, Daddy's lil girl gets to wear make-up like the big girls do; make-up and pigtails. After I was ready Daddy came upstairs and we had lots of fun together. He made me giggle, blush, sigh, whimper, and blush and giggle some more. I felt like a princess, basking in the warmth of Daddy's love and affection. It ended too soon for me though, it was getting late and we had some grown-up things to take care of before bed. So I had to "grow up" only I didn't really. I was still very open and vulnerable and in lil girl headspace when we went downstairs. He immediately made the phone call he needed to make while I entertained myself with a book. I tried to tune his conversation out, it didn't concern me. But soon it turned to a topic that makes me squirm and get uncomfortable in adult headspace, in lil girl headspace it throws me for a loop. I couldn't tune it out and I started to panic, a whimper slipped out before I could stop it and I covered it up by acting like I was just trying to get comfortable. I don't know why I did that, it doesn't make sense to me now, because I know if I'd let him know it was bothering me he'd have changed the topic, moved to another room, or even have sent me on up to bed to read.
Part of me wished he'd noticed, the part that still needed her Daddy's attention, but the adult part of me didn't want to disturb his conversation and didn't want to make demands on his time. He's been so stressed out and upset, I don't want to add to it. Everyone has a breaking point and I don't want my personal drama to push him to his. My discomfort is an old story, and old wound, and in adult headspace I know how to take care of myself. I'm fine but I'm still feeling somewhat lil. If I think about it I guess I always have a hard time "growing up", it always feels abrupt to me when it's time to do so. I suppose it would be similar to being pulled out of the floaty "sub space" I've seen some write about before you're ready to come out of it.
It just takes time. During this time I do things to take care of myself. I watch "kid" movies, I have my favorite toys close to hand, yet I continue on with and move into more adult thinking and activities. I don't fight the transition between the two, I just do things that will smooth the way. My lil headspace isn't something I can put on and take off at will, I do have to transition into and out of it, this takes time. I suppose that's why it feels so jarring, I'm expecting to be able to do it quickly and I'm still surprised when I can't. I'm hoping Master will read this because I'm not sure he understands that. Last night I felt like he expected me to go from lil girl headspace to adult headspace like you'd flip a switch. One minute lil girl the next minute adult. I don't know if that's what he does but it sure seems like it. When he's got other things to do the Daddy part of him just disappears and I wonder if I imagined it all because it happens so fast. It's very frustrating and sometimes upsetting when i'm still in lil girl space and he's tucked his Daddy space away. It feels as if there's an almost physical barrier that's been erected between us, or a door locked against me. When he's in Daddy space he's so kind and soft and loving, he's open. When he's not in Daddy space, he's still loving and kind, but it's somewhat reserved and he's no longer soft or open. I wish I could explain it better, if I could maybe I could make sense of it and find a way to make it easier to adjust. As it is, I have a hard time understanding. All I know is that my Daddy isn't there anymore and I can't relate (in lil girl space) to the person whose come in his place.
I think I'm going to shelve this for now and will revisit it later. I need to think about it some more.
