My head falls back, eyes beginning to roll back as my eyelids flutter closed, my womb clenches, labia swelling and tingling as moisture starts to seep from within. My memory is vivid, remembered pleasure at Master's hands, so vivid that I can almost feel it again and again with each remembering. The memory overtakes me, my body begins to writhe, my fingers and toes clench, even as I drive, I have to fight my body's natural reactions, fight to remain focused on the present..
I thrill with the remembered feeling of his swollen cock thrusting deeply into me, the large head rubbing every sensitive spot inside, filling me with an aching need for a release that may be days away...my breathing quickens as I recall the sight of him kneeling over me, his hands gripping my flesh, pulling me to him even as he thrusts into me, his eyes locked on me as he strives toward his release, revelling in the sensations... his pace quickens, I feel my hips rocking back and forth as if he were inside me at this very moment, his release is close...
Another memory, no less vivid... lying on my back, legs spread, Master sitting between my legs, his hard cock resting against my foot, fingers inside me, exploring, rubbing, pulling, pushing, my muscles clench around his fingers as if to hold him there forever... I feel my nipples harden, remembering the sheer ecstasy of imminent release... a tingling deep inside spreading outward, engulfing my whole body, head rocking back and forth, hips rising up from the bed thrusting against his hand needing more, hand clawing at the air then the bedsheets as the orgasm rolls over me like a tsunami, unstoppable, a force of nature that leaves me drenched and limp after..
I remember so vividly that I feel it again, and again, and again, desire building upon desire.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Holding Pattern
7/16/07
Right now we're living in a holding pattern. I sent my supervisor a detailed e-mail last week about my situation and the need for surgery. She forwarded it on to our manager and we were to talk about it this week. Unfortunately he had a family tragedy come up this week and has been out of the office all week. So, I'm waiting to find out if I'll lose my job if I have surgery before I've worked here a full year.
-----update 7/20/07------
It's the following week and I'm set to speak with my manager tomorrow about my situation. I'm nervous about getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. The pessimist in me says that tomorrow he's going to tell me that it'd be better to wait until I've worked here a year.
-----update 7/24/07-----
Well, we met this morning and I've got the green light to get started planning for surgery. I was really surprised at the reception I got. They like me, they like the work I do, and they really appreciate me. I felt my head swelling larger and larger with each compliment. lol
Actually it did feel good to get that kind of praise. I do work very hard and push myself to work hard even when I'm in pain or having a horrible day.
So, no more waiting to find out if I can start planning. Now it's waiting to get appointments made and paperwork filled out. Yippee! Yeah, that's me excited about painful tests and excruciating paperwork. What I'm really excited about is the possibility of FINALLY getting my back fixed! I want to have a life again. I want to be able to do something on the weekends other than lay around, sleep, and be in pain. I want to enjoy my evenings with my family instead of eating dinner and passing out in front of the TV. I want to have more sex with my Master instead of putting it off because I'm exhausted or in pain. The same goes for SM play too. I really miss SM, I miss serving in ways other than bringing home a paycheck.
These past several months have been rough and Master has worked hard to prevent me from dwelling on the negatives. We've got a lot of hard work ahead of us still but hopefully we'll see a day where my pain is at least drastically reduced, if not eliminated altogether.
----Update 7/25/07-----
On 8/9/07 I will have a discogram (really isn't as fun as it may sound) and then will be referred on to speak with a surgeon. It finally hit me yesterday after I made the appointment. It's real. I'm really going to do this, no more talking about it. I had a few moments of panic, more than a few really. I felt sick to my stomach and trapped. I just wanted to run home and curl up on the couch with my favorite blankie and watch Shrek. The panic passed and I started focusing on planning and getting the ducks all in a row with insurance, etc.
Last night, in bed, Master and I talked about the possibilities. I shared my fears and it felt good to say them out loud. I'm terrified of something going horribly wrong and ending up in a wheelchair. I'm also scared that we're going to find out that the nerve damage is more extensive once the pressure on the nerves is relieved. Master still thinks I'm focusing on the negatives but I hope he understands, at least a little bit, that I'm just trying to be realistic. The things I'm afraid of are real possibilities, even if some are remote. Given my track record and health, I don't seem to have the best of luck so yes, I do think about what could go wrong.
Master did make a good point, one I don't like but is no less true, my back pain issues are my fault to some degree. As Master says, "your body is a temple and yours has been littered". I can accept and own that. I guess it's time to clean up the temple a bit, redecorate, maybe a little landscaping too. That's what this surgery will mean for me, it is a step toward changing my landscape (weight, physical fitness).
Right now we're living in a holding pattern. I sent my supervisor a detailed e-mail last week about my situation and the need for surgery. She forwarded it on to our manager and we were to talk about it this week. Unfortunately he had a family tragedy come up this week and has been out of the office all week. So, I'm waiting to find out if I'll lose my job if I have surgery before I've worked here a full year.
-----update 7/20/07------
It's the following week and I'm set to speak with my manager tomorrow about my situation. I'm nervous about getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. The pessimist in me says that tomorrow he's going to tell me that it'd be better to wait until I've worked here a year.
-----update 7/24/07-----
Well, we met this morning and I've got the green light to get started planning for surgery. I was really surprised at the reception I got. They like me, they like the work I do, and they really appreciate me. I felt my head swelling larger and larger with each compliment. lol
Actually it did feel good to get that kind of praise. I do work very hard and push myself to work hard even when I'm in pain or having a horrible day.
So, no more waiting to find out if I can start planning. Now it's waiting to get appointments made and paperwork filled out. Yippee! Yeah, that's me excited about painful tests and excruciating paperwork. What I'm really excited about is the possibility of FINALLY getting my back fixed! I want to have a life again. I want to be able to do something on the weekends other than lay around, sleep, and be in pain. I want to enjoy my evenings with my family instead of eating dinner and passing out in front of the TV. I want to have more sex with my Master instead of putting it off because I'm exhausted or in pain. The same goes for SM play too. I really miss SM, I miss serving in ways other than bringing home a paycheck.
These past several months have been rough and Master has worked hard to prevent me from dwelling on the negatives. We've got a lot of hard work ahead of us still but hopefully we'll see a day where my pain is at least drastically reduced, if not eliminated altogether.
----Update 7/25/07-----
On 8/9/07 I will have a discogram (really isn't as fun as it may sound) and then will be referred on to speak with a surgeon. It finally hit me yesterday after I made the appointment. It's real. I'm really going to do this, no more talking about it. I had a few moments of panic, more than a few really. I felt sick to my stomach and trapped. I just wanted to run home and curl up on the couch with my favorite blankie and watch Shrek. The panic passed and I started focusing on planning and getting the ducks all in a row with insurance, etc.
Last night, in bed, Master and I talked about the possibilities. I shared my fears and it felt good to say them out loud. I'm terrified of something going horribly wrong and ending up in a wheelchair. I'm also scared that we're going to find out that the nerve damage is more extensive once the pressure on the nerves is relieved. Master still thinks I'm focusing on the negatives but I hope he understands, at least a little bit, that I'm just trying to be realistic. The things I'm afraid of are real possibilities, even if some are remote. Given my track record and health, I don't seem to have the best of luck so yes, I do think about what could go wrong.
Master did make a good point, one I don't like but is no less true, my back pain issues are my fault to some degree. As Master says, "your body is a temple and yours has been littered". I can accept and own that. I guess it's time to clean up the temple a bit, redecorate, maybe a little landscaping too. That's what this surgery will mean for me, it is a step toward changing my landscape (weight, physical fitness).
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Rolling With the Punches
It seems like I'm back to square one and I'm frustrated by it. The pain is back in full-force; it feels like things are getting worse. I cannot serve as much as I did, he rarely asks me to do anything for him now. He compensates by doing everything for himself and doing all the housework himself too. I hate it. I love that he's so understanding and accepts my limitations for what they are and adapts to them. I am grateful to him for this. I just hate the necessity of it all. Mostly, I hate the pain and I hate that it has such control over me and my life despite all my best efforts to push beyond it. I am sleepy almost constantly, I fall asleep almost immediately after dinner some nights. On the weekends I wake late and nap within hours of waking. I hate this most of all, it feels as if I'm sleeping my life away. Yuck.
Soon we'll begin to explore the options, soon. But can I hold on for another month, two, maybe three? Yes, I can. When there is no other choice you just grit your teeth and gut it out. Do what you can with what you've got.
I am very thankful to have Master in my life. He walks through these rough spots with me, carrying me when I cannot walk, making me walk when I can but am afraid to, and encouraging me every step of the way.
In the next month or two I'm going to need Master's strength and discipline to shed the pounds I've gained back. I need to begin to swim regularly too, I'm hoping he can encourage me to do so. I'm going to have to enlist the support of HRS in this one, she's a swim fanatic so it shouldn't be too hard to get her to keep at me. Once I'm in the pool I'm happy to be there, it's just getting me there that's difficult.
This stuff, this day to day stuff is what no one thinks about when they're thinking about D/s or M/s relationships. In a 24/7 D/s or M/s relationship it is much the same as a marriage, in sickness and in health, through good times and bad. You have to roll with the punches and through it all, work to maintain the type of relationship you've cultivated instead of letting it go to weeds because of the rough times.
Soon we'll begin to explore the options, soon. But can I hold on for another month, two, maybe three? Yes, I can. When there is no other choice you just grit your teeth and gut it out. Do what you can with what you've got.
I am very thankful to have Master in my life. He walks through these rough spots with me, carrying me when I cannot walk, making me walk when I can but am afraid to, and encouraging me every step of the way.
In the next month or two I'm going to need Master's strength and discipline to shed the pounds I've gained back. I need to begin to swim regularly too, I'm hoping he can encourage me to do so. I'm going to have to enlist the support of HRS in this one, she's a swim fanatic so it shouldn't be too hard to get her to keep at me. Once I'm in the pool I'm happy to be there, it's just getting me there that's difficult.
This stuff, this day to day stuff is what no one thinks about when they're thinking about D/s or M/s relationships. In a 24/7 D/s or M/s relationship it is much the same as a marriage, in sickness and in health, through good times and bad. You have to roll with the punches and through it all, work to maintain the type of relationship you've cultivated instead of letting it go to weeds because of the rough times.
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