Something In The Air

What is it about the first snow and the impending holidays that seem to lift my spirit?  I feel that childlike wonder when I see the giant Christmas trees in the buildings around downtown.  I'm awed by the colorful lights and decorations and of course, the craftswoman in me is taking mental notes for home decoration.  (Master you might like a couple of the ideas I have, they'll make our tree really pretty!)

 

It's more than that though, I love spending time with family, sharing food with them as well as time.  Creating new memories.  The holidays may always be bittersweet from now on, we'll always miss Jamey but he's always with us so long as we remember him.

 

I hope to always have big family holidays, whether it be our own or our extended family.  That is what the holidays mean to me, family.

 

I'm overly eager to get things in the living room arranged so we can decorate the tree.  The kids and I always do the decorating and we have such fun doing it together.  This year I imagine we'll have lots of pictures since HRS got a new digital camera for her birthday.  She's become the family paparazzi and chases us all around to snap pictures.  Of course we nick the camera from her and get a few shots in ourselves. *evil grins*

 

I'm feeling very positive, sentimental, and a bit teary-eyed right now as I watch the snow falling outside my window.  Big fluffy flakes that get caught in your eyelashes and melt on your nose.  It's a beautiful sight.

Dark Night Of The Soul

Most people might not know what the Dark Night of the Soul means. Basically it's facing yourself, bare without the little lies we tell ourselves, facing our demons, everything, and coming out (hopefully) stronger and more self-aware for it. In Pagan traditions, or at least the one I learned in, this was usually done with more intent, though not always.

Last weekend was such a one for me and it was long, horrible, and terrifying. Yet here I am today, stronger, and definitely more self-aware. I thought for sure I was going crazy, I was completely out of control as my emotions ran rampant and took me over entirely. Master had the presence of mind to get me help when it was clear that I was beyond his aid.

Since then I've been making the journey back to me, to my center, to who I know myself to be. I'm bringing back some wisdom with me this time. I'm growing and evolving in the way I think, or at least I'm trying to. It's a process and a week isn't nearly long enough to prove anything by any means. It will get put to the test next week when I go back to work, and each day after that. Each time a new problem arises my new way of thinking will be tried and tested. I can't promise that I won't fall back into old patterns but I can promise to try to not do so.

I'm sick, you see. Not a sickness you can check the blood for, nor one that causes fever. No, it's a sickness of the mind and it takes a lot of cognitive re-training to heal. I've spent nearly my entire life with this sickness, since about the age of 7, but am only now getting the type of help I've needed all along. I'm not disclosing this fact for sympathy but to dispel the stigma we seem to attach to mental illness, still in this day and age. So yes, I'm mentally ill but I'm getting better. Maybe I'll relapse, maybe I won't, but I can no longer feel shame for something I can't control. It would be like having cancer and being ashamed of it. Silly huh?