I just wonder, when is it time to just quit trying to grab the carrot that doctors are dangling in front of you? When do you say "Enough!" and just quit? I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being put off and strung along by doctors who give me one option and one option only. I've had it.
I'm tired of putting my life on hold waiting for this option. I'm tired of hoping, only to be told, "wait just a little longer" over and over. I'm weary, I'm exhausted. I can't do anything but work due to extreme physical exhaustion from the pain. I spent the evening with my Sir Friday night and slept on and off most of Saturday and Sunday to recuperate. Some life huh?
Yeah, I know it sounds like a lot of whining. It could be a lot worse. But I'm fed up with it all. I'm just sick to death of dealing with doctors who seem to procrastinate like it's a hobby. I just feel like giving up. Master is angry with me because I want to give up. I suppose he's got the right to be angry but for Pete's sake, how much do I have to endure? Why can't I just lie down and give up? I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to deal with this pain but I don't want to keep waiting and keep hoping only to have my hopes dashed every time I turn around. It's intolerable. Master doesn't understand why I hope. Hope is what keeps me thinking positively, without hope this is what remains. Hopelessness. Frustration. Depression.
I don't want to work anymore, I want to be able to rest so I can take my daughter for a walk, so I can exercise and get rid of all this fat. But no, instead I have to work and give up exercise so I can work. I just wonder what I'm working for if it's all I do. What is the point of having money and insurance, etc. if I can't enjoy it? Oh that's right, so my family can enjoy it for me. Yay.
I've just had it and I'm tired of being made to feel as if I'm being childish or like I'm whining for no good reason because I've run out of fight. I just don't have it in me anymore to keep trying. I can't see the silver lining in the clouds. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel without the sure knowledge that it's just another train getting ready to run me down. No more pep talks. No more chiding. NO MORE!
As silly as it may sound, because it is so unrelated to my situation, I understand why people with terminal illnesses finally just quit with all the "cures" and live what life they have left. One can only chase rainbows for so long before realizing you'll never catch one.
