I feel like a fraud now. Like, since I'm not really "living" D/s or M/s I don't belong in any of the online forums I've been frequenting. I don't know where I fit anymore. Maybe I was always a fraud and just didn't know it.
How do I find my way through all of this? Who can I talk to? I don't know anyone that has the situation I have. Sure people can give relationship advice but honestly, I know the right and wrong things to do in relationships. That's not my problem. My problem is I still have the relationships but they've turned VANILLA and I'm not turning with them. How do I live like this? Do I go out and find another Dom? Yeah, I need another one of those like I need a hole in my head. In other words I don't need a new relationship, I want to fix the ones I have but I don't even know where to start because the problem isn't with me, it's with them. Their own personal issues that are getting in the way. I just get to sit here and dangle while they go through the motions. It makes me angry.
My sister tells me I can't do the work of both people in the relationship. She's SO right. But, I can't walk away, there's more to the relationships than just M/s, D/s, or SM. I love these men and I KNOW they love me. But I still have needs dammit. I want my Daddy/Master, I want my Sir and I want them NOW. :-(
It's a hurty kinda day and I'm just sad over it all. I've been trying to believe that everything would work itself out eventually if I just kept trying. Disillusionment sucks.
I don't know who or what I am anymore. I guess for now I'm just me, whatever that means.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Lost
I feel like a woman without a country. Rather a slave without a Master, sort of. He's still alive and well physically but the Master in him is in hiding, the Daddy in him died a long time ago. I've been struggling for a long time now but just kept my head down and kept on keeping on.
Today a text from Sir sent me over the edge, it sort of lanced the growing wound of anger, hurt, loss, and sadness. It all poured out at him, all my hurt and anger over having very little of his time and being a very, very small priority in his life. And all the feelings of loss and pain over not having the Master and Daddy in my life that I need and love so much.
I feel lost, drifting, alone yet not. I've become so service-oriented that I don't know how else to live. I need control in my life, I need someone to serve, I need SM, I need, I need, I need. I'm too needy.
I go back to work tomorrow and I'm worried about how that's going to go. I'm sick with it. Despite having my implant reprogrammed and my meds changed, I still can't do much without pain. I want to keep hoping that I'm still healing and that it will get better. But I'm scared that I won't be able to sit for even the four hours I'm scheduled to work without pain.
I'm miserable and unhappy today. Sometimes I think it's my own doing, I have all these needs and expectations and then I get hurt when they're not met. Duh! Quit needing and expecting and you'll be fine, right?
Today a text from Sir sent me over the edge, it sort of lanced the growing wound of anger, hurt, loss, and sadness. It all poured out at him, all my hurt and anger over having very little of his time and being a very, very small priority in his life. And all the feelings of loss and pain over not having the Master and Daddy in my life that I need and love so much.
I feel lost, drifting, alone yet not. I've become so service-oriented that I don't know how else to live. I need control in my life, I need someone to serve, I need SM, I need, I need, I need. I'm too needy.
I go back to work tomorrow and I'm worried about how that's going to go. I'm sick with it. Despite having my implant reprogrammed and my meds changed, I still can't do much without pain. I want to keep hoping that I'm still healing and that it will get better. But I'm scared that I won't be able to sit for even the four hours I'm scheduled to work without pain.
I'm miserable and unhappy today. Sometimes I think it's my own doing, I have all these needs and expectations and then I get hurt when they're not met. Duh! Quit needing and expecting and you'll be fine, right?
Monday, July 07, 2008
Funk-y
I've been in a funk for a while now. I had the surgery, technically it was successful. No infection, good healing, the implant is operating as it should.
However, I feel like I'm worse off now than I was before. I can't sit, stand, or walk for more than 30 minutes without pain that starts at my tailbone and works its way up toward my shoulder blades and down the backs of my legs to my toes. All this despite the spinal cord stimulator that is supposed to alleviate the butt/leg/foot pain.
I spent two hours sitting at a visitation/funeral yesterday and the rest of the day/night and most of today in pain as a result. I'm frustrated, angry, and scared. I don't know how I'm going to manage to work, much less try to live my life. My pain doc's nurse said "You're just over a month from surgery, give it time." How much time?? How much agony do I have to put up with before something freaking works?! Shouldn't I be improving? I'm not. I've hit this point and I don't seem to be moving past it. I've been at this point for the last two to three weeks and it just isn't getting any better. This leads me to wonder if this is it, if this is the best I can hope for.
Oh me of little faith, I know. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I want something to go right just once. I want to be as active as I was two years ago, I want to feel as good as I did then. I want to have a happy medium again so I can be active yet know my limits and work within them. This, this just doesn't work for me and I'm really bummed.
However, I feel like I'm worse off now than I was before. I can't sit, stand, or walk for more than 30 minutes without pain that starts at my tailbone and works its way up toward my shoulder blades and down the backs of my legs to my toes. All this despite the spinal cord stimulator that is supposed to alleviate the butt/leg/foot pain.
I spent two hours sitting at a visitation/funeral yesterday and the rest of the day/night and most of today in pain as a result. I'm frustrated, angry, and scared. I don't know how I'm going to manage to work, much less try to live my life. My pain doc's nurse said "You're just over a month from surgery, give it time." How much time?? How much agony do I have to put up with before something freaking works?! Shouldn't I be improving? I'm not. I've hit this point and I don't seem to be moving past it. I've been at this point for the last two to three weeks and it just isn't getting any better. This leads me to wonder if this is it, if this is the best I can hope for.
Oh me of little faith, I know. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I want something to go right just once. I want to be as active as I was two years ago, I want to feel as good as I did then. I want to have a happy medium again so I can be active yet know my limits and work within them. This, this just doesn't work for me and I'm really bummed.
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