I don't know what this confession will be good for other than providing the transparency and honesty I own my Dominus. It's more than that, it's the open and honest communication required in any healthy relationship that I owe to both of us.
I hate to admit this to myself, to you, and to Dominus. The relating of a few people we know has taken up way too much space in my brain and it has to stop. I thought by not talking about it anymore would help. I thought leaving a group I fairly enjoyed would help. I even thought leaving a Web site where I got a good amount of support would help too. I was wrong. All of these things were toxic to me because of the people involved there and my inability to distance myself from the "content" of my feelings and getting sucked in deeply every time I read something new about them. My need for vindication, to be heard, to be believed, and to be valued were so great that it ate me from the inside out.
I learned through the grapevine that a few people who, much like a car wreck, I haven't been able to avoid looking at (being emotionally invested in) have split. Like the child I am, I couldn't resist temptation and I went back to take a peek. I wanted to see abject misery, I wanted to say "I told you so!!" to a few people, I wanted to be so petty and hurtful but I couldn't. It wasn't fear of being caught out so much as it was I am simply not that person anymore. I don't want to be her.
I felt empathy for them, I wanted to help them. I hoped beyond hope that they'd both be open to the life's lessons sitting square in front of them waiting to be examined and learned. I know, it isn't my place to decide who should learn what and when. It's just, I can see the lessons waiting for them and I'm slightly disappointed because it seems the lessons are being ignored as the people are so caught up in the emotional content of what is going on. Gods know I can't blame them, I know their pain.
I feel bad for them and the hurt they're experiencing. There is still that petty little monster inside me that wants to say "Serves you right!". I'd like to kick that little monster into a dusty corner somewhere.
I am sorry to my Dominus for my misbehavior. I knew I shouldn't go back, I wasn't supposed to, and I don't have a good reason for doing it.
I am sorry in general for wishing anyone ill. Karma is going to catch me up and it's going to hurt.
I am disappointed in myself for disobeying Dominus, for giving in to those base urges of watching the car wreck that was the end of their relationship, and for being an all around lousy human being for a couple of months now.
I would like to make amends to Dominus for deliberately disobeying his commands. I knew better but I disobeyed anyway.
I would like to earn Dominus' forgiveness. I'd like to be able to forgive myself and not hang on to the bad feelings.
Mostly, I just want to take away the disappointed look I know will be in Dominus' eyes. I'm scared of seeing and feeling his disappointment in me.
