ANGRY!!!!

And defeated.  That's how I feel today.  I got another no from the Mayo Clinic in Rochester last night in the mail, this time they just don't have the appointment space for me.  Then this morning I find out that my insurance company has denied the spinal cord stimulator as not being medically necessary.  Of course my doctor's office can appeal it but appeals can take up to 30 days.  I'm starting to wonder if I have to have a failed back surgery to make it medically necessary.

 

I'm going to ask my doctor to refer me to an orthopaedic surgeon here in town for one last try at surgery and I'm just going to force the issue.  I don't care if the doctor thinks it will help or what my odds of success are.  I just don't care anymore.  All I want is proper medical help and it seems like that's asking too much.  Alan says we'll get a lawyer and sue the insurance company to pay for the implant if the doctor's office appeal fails.  I don't know where he thinks we'd get the money for an attorney.

Feeling Whipped

I'm exhausted, wiped out, zapped, zoned, vegged, just plain worn out.  I'm tired of fighting for today.  My stomach hurts because I'm so stressed out and I'm stressing out over things I can't control and I know it's wrong.  I'm almost beyond caring.  It feels pointless to keep fighting sometimes.  It just seems like I'm not getting anywhere anymore.

 

I don't have any fight left in me today, maybe tomorrow will look better.

Negotiations

That's where we're at, Alan and I.  We're negotiating the terms of our continuing M/s relationship.  We're ironing out needs vs. wants and what we both feel is reasonable.

 

I have to giggle just a little here because his favorite show is The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan and nearly every time he explains something he uses dog pack mentality for his analogies.  Yesterday he was telling me that yes, he had given me too much leash and was letting me "walk" him instead of the other way around.  I giggled and told him I was just waiting to hear him imitate Cesar's accent, and of course, he obliged me.

 

It is true though, at least in our household.  I'm a beta but will be alpha if the alpha isn't alpha-enough.  As with dogs, human owners have to train human property to be submissive, they have to lead them in order to be followed.  So we're working and negotiating, not to get back to what we had but in order to move forward.  I think we've both realized just how badly our communication broke down and I think we will keep working at communicating more openly.  I'm still uncollared but I don't want it until he's ready, if and when he's ready to do so.  I want him to be firmly in the lead, I'm weary of leading, it's not my accustomed position.

Worthless

I feel worthless this morning.  I feel like I've given up part of my identity and I did it of my own free will.  Why?  Because I felt like he wasn't taking the reins, I felt like I had too much slack in the reins and after asking more than once for more consistency, and less slack, I got tired of asking.

 

I gave him his collar back and told him I needed him to decide if he really wanted to own me and if he did then I needed him to lead me instead of letting me lead.  I don't fear punishment.  He may threaten it but he doesn't follow through.  Maybe I'm not slave material, maybe I'm just a submissive playing at being slave.  I don't know.  I feel like I don't know who I am right now.

 

We're going to a play party tonight and I don't know how I'm supposed to behave, I don't know how to play with him as a submissive and not as a slave.  I just don't know and I'm confused as can be.  How do you use safewords you haven't had for years?  I'm so accustomed to playing with him as his slave that I don't know if I can code.  I'm so jumbled up inside I don't know if I can even get into the right headspace to play at all.  What if I just get angry instead of letting go and enjoying the scene?  What if I bring all this emotional crap with me to the party?  He'll be disappointed in me, more than he is already.

 

It hurt my feelings when he didn't immediately say "Of course I want to own you, let me put this collar back on."  He has to actually think about it and I'm scared that I've screwed up royally this time.  I may have ruined the best thing I ever had all because I felt I had needs that weren't being met.

 

Am I wrong in asking to have my needs met?  Am I wrong in asking for consistency or for direction?  I know the way I go about it sometimes, like last night, is wrong.  I disrespected him and I am deeply sorry for that.  I could have cut myself a million times as pennance for that mistake.  I'm just so frustrated and I feel like I have nowhere to turn to ease that frustration so it balls up inside me, I try to stuff it into the deepest corners of myself and ignore it.  But I only have so much room for stuffing things and I finally boil over, like I've been doing all week.  I get a good mad on and I don't care anymore about anyone else's needs but my own.  It's selfish and childish.

 

I'm not worthy of his collar, I know this now.  At best I can hope he'll still want me as his submissive but the truth is, I may have ruined that too.

Lost

I feel lost, like I've wandered away from my Daddy in the store, except he's wandered away from me and I can't find him.  It's Daddy who is lost, not me but it doesn't make me feel any less lost myself.  When my lil peeks out he seems almost angry with her.  I got angry with him on her behalf last night.  I said some things I wish I could take back but that doesn't mean they're not valid.

 

He used to love his lil girl and made her feel special and wanted.  Now she just feels like she's in the way and unwanted, unloved.  It hurts.  He snapped about something and being tired of "kid sh*t" and I reminded him that's what he's got so he may as well deal with it or else we'll find someone who can.  It wasn't fair to threaten like that and I really wish I could take that back.

 

But at the same time, what am I supposed to do?  I've been encouraged and even indulged with my lil, Daddy loved her.  What did she do wrong?  What did we do wrong that our Daddy doesn't love us anymore?

 

Maybe he's not a real Daddy for us, it was just "fun for a while" and now it's not fun anymore?  Maybe it's a phase, one he cycles in and out of?  I don't know.  What I want to know is what we're supposed to do in the meantime to feel whole and complete.

 

I wonder if I made a mistake in exploring this part of me now.  It's like a Pandora's box that can't be closed.  My lil needs to be loved, adored, and pampered.  She needs her Daddy and doesn't understand why he won't love her or play with her like he used to.  All the adult reasoning in the world doesn't change that base need.  I don't understand how he can shut it off, I thought he needed it too.  Now I feel like I misunderstood his intentions and got too wrapped up in something that was only a passing fancy for him.

 

I wonder about finding another Daddy, but neither of us wants another Daddy, we want the one we had, we want him back.  Maybe that's too much to ask for, we're just sad and lonely without him and wish we didn't get snapped at or yelled at when we're peeking out.