Snippets

We paint pictures of our lives with words, we bloggers do.  But they're only snippets, snapshots of moments in time.  They're not a complete picture.  Some of us write only when moved to do so, some of us write as a means of venting or working through issues, and yet others write to share ideas.  Still, they're only bits of the complete person.

 

I realized last night that I usually only write when I've got emotional stuff going on and I use this blog as tool to vent those emotions and work through the issues.  I've painted a very tiny bit of my life and one might get the idea that I'm miserable all the time, which is far from the truth.  I laugh often, live well, love, and am loved in return.  I realize my writings are unbalanced and I need to do more writing about the good things, paint a more complete picture.  Granted this blog is still for me and my Master, I think he too needs to see more of the good stuff from me.

 

As a beginning....

 

I'm several months out from surgery now and I think I'm about as good as I'm going to get.  The implant helps with much of the leg and foot pain, nothing to be done about the lower back other than medication.  I'm adapting and forcing myself to begin walking on my breaks again, my body needs to move and it rewards me when I do.  I feel better, even if only mentally, I'm benefitting from the exercise.  I'm learning to relax my lower back when I walk and that isn't nearly as easy as it sounds but it does help and I haven't been having the muscle spasms as badly as I was before I figured out that little trick.  I'm also exercising at home.  Okay, so I'm not in a routine yet but I do have a workout that seems to be fairly low impact and feels good to do.  It's also easy because it's broken up into 10 minute segments so I'm not overdoing it and I don't feel like I've got to keep going til the end.  Ten minutes and I've moved my body, made it happy, and made myself happy.

 

I'm working at getting healthier too.  I found all the pounds I'd lost two years ago plus a few.  That doesn't make anyone's body happy and the extra load on my back isn't good.  So I'm eating better and less.  Okay I kinda goofed the last two days with chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert but it was Master's birthday on Sunday!  No excuse?  Darn.  I just began last week but I'm already down 1.5 lbs, that's a good start in my book.  Imagine what I could do if I exercised regularly?  That's what I'm thinking of. ;-)

 

So that's me for now... new beginnings

 

 

Mental Illness

I'm sick, I'm mentally ill.  I cringe at those terms.  I feel there is such stigma attached to being 'mentally ill' that I want to distance myself from the label.  In doing so I'm jumping right into DEnial and that's not helpful for me or my illness.  The medications I take can sometimes further allow me a deeper trip into DEnial because most days I feel "normal".  Then I get b*tchslapped by my illness, either it gets stronger than the meds or, in the case of the last week, I'm off the meds for some reason.

 

It has been a harrowing week and weekend.  I'm sure Master has a few more grey hairs than he had before.  I know I do but thank the Gods for hair dye!  I'm still not 100%, maybe 80% right now.  I'm shaky, fragile, and I could cry at the drop of a hat but at least I'm able to get out of bed.  I'm sitting here at work today and I'm functioning.  I couldn't get myself out of bed Tuesday, I felt trapped there, I felt as if I was going to die in my room trapped in that bed.  That's the height of mental illness for me.  Not being able to do something as simple as getting out of bed.  It still sounds as stupid now in type as it did when I said it Tuesday morning with tears flowing down my cheeks.  But, stupid or not it's just one of the many manifestations of my mental illness.

 

Maybe Master is right, I don't accept my mental illness as being part of who I am and maybe that is what makes it so rough for me.  I keep expecting to "heal" and be "normal" instead of learning to cope with it and accepting it.  I don't want to accept it.  I don't want to be mentally ill.  Master says there is no such thing as "normal", most of the time I agree with him.  But when I'm in the throes of my illness I mentally flog myself for not being normal, I moan about never being "normal".  "Normal" is my Holy Grail in a way.  It's something I think I'm going to find if I just keep searching, if I have enough faith, if I'm good enough... and so on.  Too many ifs.  I've never been "normal" so why should I expect to start now?  I realize how silly that hope is when I stop and think about it like that.  I'm always a big proponent of making the most of the life one is given.  I don't seem to be practicing what I preach do I?

 

My new goal is acceptance.  Acceptance of myself as I am now, not as I wish I were or as I will be if x, y, and z happen.  I am mentally ill and have been from a very young age, medication helps me to function.  So what?  I wouldn't be ashamed of needing medication for a physical illness such as cancer, why should I be ashamed of this?  Stigma.  Personal bias.

 

My mother has been mentally ill all my life, a drug addict, and revelling in the "victim" role.  All this along with being physically and emotionally abusive.  I've spent most of my life fighting to not be at all like her.  Yet here I am, mentally ill, physically limited, and dependent on medication to function.  There are differences and it's those differences I need to focus on.  I'm not addicted to my medication, I'm not abusing or misusing it, I've worked hard to overcome most of my issues, and I keep looking for solutions to my physical limitations that will allow me to live my life.

 

So here I am, at work instead of sitting at home.  I've been here an hour and a half and while part of me wants to run home the rest of me knows that isn't an option.  I need to stay here and in staying here I will gain some strength and functionality.  I'm proud of myself for getting myself out of bed today, for getting a shower, and for leaving the house to go to work.  I couldn't have done this just a few days ago, not even yesterday.

 

Life is what we make of it, I often forget this but that doesn't make it any less true.