I Need It

I need to be beaten, to be reduced to a sobbing, snotty mess.  I need to be stripped of all the armor I wear every day to survive.  Stripped to my core and bared for Him to see.

 

Catharsis, I need it, and I want it through SM.  I'm left cleansed afterwards, light, all heavy emotions lifted away and for a few brief moments, before the armor slides back into place I'm free, I'm me, soft, vulnerable, utterly at His will.

 

I want to be held, petted, comforted after.  Until the armor slips back into place.

 

 

Marked for Life

Master marked me with his initials. If I didn't know who owned me before I do now.

Hollow

DISCLAIMER: This is not the whole of my relationship with Sir this is a bad patch that I need to write out so I can work through it. I know there are a few out there who love me reading this who will take this as another negative check against Sir. I ask those people to remember that they're not perfect either and though they may not have hurt me the way I'm hurting right now, we all have our faults. I'm not making excuses for him or what he's done, if you saw the lashing out I've done at him you'd know he's not getting any slack from me, whatsoever. However, I love him and I have to decide if what he's done is bad enough to warrant throwing away ten pretty good years together.

I'm feeling a bit hollow inside. I decided Friday night that I may need to return Sir's collar to him. I don't know if I can continue to wear his collar given what he has done. I'm hurt deeply but I'm not really surprised by any of it, nor should I be.

I found out earlier this week that Sir has been seeing another submissive for the last 2-3 years, for about as long as I've been working full-time. I only JUST found out who she is and how long their association has been. I knew he played with others off and on but I didn't know he had a regular friend/playmate. I also found out he's broken his promise to me to use safer sex with other partners so he and I can play bareback. I'm not sure which betrayal hurts more. Maybe the condoms because he made a direct promise to me. I've never cared too much about him having other playmates, that's part of his make-up and I knew that going into this. What rankles is the lying and hiding. For instance, he told me he hasn't seen her since September, she says December. He's also told me that he would never collar another submissive and now the story has changed to "I'll never have two collared submissives at once."

She's another kettle of fish altogether, she came to my group's munch knowing all about me and who I am and let me introduce myself to her but didn't say a word to me about who she is. It feels a bit like sneaking about to "check out the competition" to me. Whatever, it's over and done with.

How did this all start? Simply enough really, Sir told me that she'd told him that she met one of the Tribe at a party and asked that member about Sir and me. She told Sir that the person she spoke with told her that Sir and I played without permission and that s/he didn't like Sir because of that. Sir was upset that his private life was being discussed, his confidentiality had been broken. I became upset for similar reasons. I confronted said person and was given a different take... Nothing of the sort was said, s/he didn't know that Sir was playing without permission and that this playmate was insinuating or stating that she was Sir's collared submissive. I confronted her after finding some contact information for her. I was livid that she'd lie to Sir and that she'd lie about my friends. After the confrontation she went to the friend in question and now I'm told it was a misunderstanding. Fine, whatever. That's no longer the issue at hand.

Trust is a HUGE issue for me, anyone close to me knows this, most people get one chance and if they break my trust they are dead to me. I spent too many years with betrayal as a regular occurrence in my life by the one person whom I should have been able to count on no matter what. I have zero tolerance for betrayal. Yet, when it comes to people I love I'm more lenient, I give them second and third chances. If I didn't I would have missed out on the spectacular person Master is today, I would have lost the greatest love of my life. I'm also very wolf-like when I mate, I do it for life. Or at least I prefer to. I want to keep the people I love.

If it wasn't for the betrayal, the lies, and the hiding Sir would be perfect. He's loving, caring, sensitive, dominant, a generous lover, a good listener, slow to anger, easy going, and fun-loving. I know he genuinely loves me but (there's always a but isn't there?) he can't seem to be fully honest with me and he can't seem to keep certain promises. I NEED him to be able to live with and accept the limits I need in our relationship in order to be able to trust him, to be able to submit to him. I have lots of doubts as to whether or not he can, as does Master. Poor Master is in a tough position, he loves me and wants to protect me from hurt yet he wants to give me the respect and freedom to make my own decisions, and he genuinely likes Sir.

Sir has been a huge positive influence in my life and in Master's life through me. But, he's also given me some of the deepest hurts too due to lying and hiding relationships with other women. Will he never understand that I can accept that he has other partners as long as he's open and honest with me about them?? As long as he can be truthful and practice safer sex I'm OK with his play partners so long as they're not predatory. But that's the question, can he do it? Does he want to? Do I matter enough in his life? I have no answers and he's on vacation for two weeks.

My anger is gone, I'm left with the hurt, and this deep hollow spot that follows betrayal. I try to chin up and carry on and mostly I'm doing okay. I got drunk Friday night, intent on revenge-submission (childish and DUMB I know). I got drunk, flirted shamelessly, and had a very hot mini-make-out play scene with two very wonderful folks (THANK YOU!). And I teased a good friend with her nicely bound breasts that just begged for attention. I wonder if she enjoyed my tongue piercing? *soft smiles* All of that just drained my anger... I let loose and truly relaxed for the first time in... I really don't know if I've ever relaxed my self-control that much. I was angry and on a mission, that's the only reasoning I can think of for how relaxed my self-control was. Okay, the bottle of Captain Morgan's might have helped just a wee bit.

Anyway... I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm going to do. I'm hurting but I'm not surprised, I knew he was unfaithful when I met him, so I couldn't exactly expect him to keep the faith with me. Yet some stupid part of me hoped he would. I love him, I don't want to lose him in my life but I can't keep letting him hurt me this way. If he loved me as much as he says he does he'd change his ways and respect my limits. And there's the core of it all, does he love me as much as he says he does?

Happy Anniversary

Today is the 5th Anniversary of our collaring.  Master has owned me now for five years, in that five years we've explored deeply, and have had our ups and our downs.  Here we are, today... still Master and slave and still going strong.

 

Of course on the 23rd we'll be celebrating our 22nd year together if that helps to put things into perspective.  The last five years has seen a deepening of our relationship.  Over the past weekend Master carved his initials into my flesh just as he's carved out a space in my heart that fits only him.  It's better than any wedding ring, wearing his initials in my flesh, I just wish I could wear his marks in my flesh as openly as one would wear a wedding ring.

 

Happy Anniversary Master I love you.

Predatory People

I've always been leery of singles in the BDSM world, single submissives especially, because they're needy. This isn't a bad thing and I don't mean it to sound that way. But it seems the newbies let their neediness override their common sense and they cling to the first Dominant to play with them. I wasn't any more immune to this when I was new so I'm not talking from some high sense of morality, rather experience.

But this clinginess, especially when the Dominant is in a committed relationship, can cause problems for the established couple. How do you set firm boundaries so the submissive doesn't get the wrong idea? For that matter, how do you set boundaries to keep the Dominant from getting the wrong idea because they're not immune either. There's nothing like a submissive starring up at a dominant with that rapturous doe-eyed grin to make a Dominant feel good and more Domly.

I was talking with Sir the other day, I'm having an issue with a submissive he's played with. I kept telling him he should have set firmer boundaries with her. But I couldn't really say how he should have done that. One Dominant I know has his submissives perform aftercare with submissives he plays with to keep some distance. So I guess that's one way to keep firm boundaries. But how do you stop someone from liking or even loving you? And if it happens should you end the relationship/association to prevent problems within your committed relationships?

I keep coming back around to boundaries. What boundaries do you set to keep things in perspective? Do you reiterate every time you play with the same submissive (who isn't your committed partner) that they're not going to become a committed partner? Should you have to if you're both adults?

So what is the method to keep things in perspective? How can some people do it while others can't? I'm just thinking out loud really.

Double Standards

This isn't sex-based but rather status-based, maybe it is sex-based too I don't know.

 

It seems okay, accepted, and even (dare I say it?) encouraged for dominants to have multiple submissive partners.  This seems to be the "norm" in the BDSM community.  It's talked about all over the place and nary a negative word is said about multiple ownership by a single dominant person.

 

Yet, if you're submissive and identify as a slave, you're either not a "real" slave or not a "good" slave if you admit to serving more than one dominant partner.  I don't know anyone in our local community like me, who has more than one committed dominant partner and there are very few online that I know.  I seem to be running into a lot of judgement over this and it's driving me bats.

 

What makes a dominant more capable than a submissive of managing multiple partners?  Their dominant nature??  I've seen single dom/multiple submissive relationships fail time after time because the dominant doesn't manage the relationships well-enough or personalities clash.  Yet here I am, a submissive, with two romantic/sexual and one non-romantic/sexual committed relationships with dominant partners that have lasted years. Sure we've had our ups and downs and I've made mistakes but I seem to be doing just fine even though I'm a slave.

 

So why the prejudice?  Why the "shoulds"?  Why can't a slave serve more than one dominant?  I have one owner and two dominant partners, I answer to all three, but ultimately to my Master.  This is "normal" for me.  I'm wired to have multiple partners, multiple loves.  I can't change who I am and I'm sick of feeling like I should apologize for it when it's perfectly acceptable for dominants to be wired this way.

Crashed

It kind of blindsided me, sub drop. Crash really. I have no energy today, I'm feeling down, and even a little panicky. It has been probably a year since my last drop so I guess that's why I'm so shocked by it.



I thought I was experienced-enough that I knew how to manage it, cope with it, etc. That's what I get for thinking.



Master and I didn't even play terribly hard or take things too far last night but it was new and a little intense. He introduced face-slapping, at my request, and it was great. The sex was great too and we had lots of cuddling afterwards while we both came down. Perfect right? Loads of aftercare, sleeping in, lazing about watching movies today, and doing a little bit of laundry. Not too bad, but no, I'm sapped for energy and struggling to keep the sadness and blah feelings at bay.



I wish he didn't have to work tonight. I could use some more cuddling and a bit of company.

I'd love it if I had tomorrow off from work so I could spend the day in service, cleaning house and being little miss Suzie Homemaker.