Renewal

Some people pamper themselves with a bubble bath, a good book, a tasty treat, or a new item they've been wanting to recharge their batteries.  These are good ways to practice self-care, especially when you're stressed beyond your breaking point.

 

However, I've found I feel the most renewed after an intense SM scene with Master.  I didn't realize just how heavy the stress I've been carrying was until this morning.  I've come to hate my job, it's no secret, I just don't like what I do or who I do it for anymore.  I've gotten more and more frustrated about this because, for now, I need to keep this job and be thankful for it.  I've also taken on more than my share of stress over running our local BDSM group.  The mixture has been toxic to say the least.  I've been irritable, short-tempered, physically and mentally exhausted, and unhappy with life.

 

Saturday night Master and I had planned to go to a dinner that a member of our group runs and then on to a hotel room for some much needed play time.  On our way Master changed his mind.  He decided to take me out to dinner and then onto the hotel to get an early start on playing.  He was eager to play and didn't want to wait and hey, I wasn't going to argue!

 

So we enjoyed a nice dinner together and then went to our hotel room.  I got sidetracked by cable TV for a few moments but it didn't take long to get back on track.  We started out slow and moved into owner/property or predator/prey space.  He doesn't give me time to think or to process, all I can do is feel and react.  It didn't take him long to reduce me to tears... repeated face slapping in-between cock sucking... or was that cock sucking in-between face slapping?  The face slapping made me eager to strive harder to please him with my cock sucking, not that he seemed displeased, but that is my reaction to pain when sex is included.  Can't explain it don't want to try.

 

As I drove to work this morning I was almost cheerful!  I'm never cheerful on a Monday morning.  Sarcastic, cynical, even grumpy, but never cheerful.  I almost didn't recognize myself.  I'm sure Master was wondering where the real me was hiding.  I wondered the same thing.  SM play is my self/Master-care.  There's just nothing quite like being reduced to a sobbing, snotty mess to put things into perspective.

Twisted

I feel twisted inside.. it's hard to explain.  My mind is running in a bazillion different directions.  Before I start though I want to recommend flylady.net to any struggling (or even non-struggling) service- and non-service-oriented s-types out there (and maybe a few d-types too).  It's an awesome "program" to help one break down household chores into manageable bits and hopefully give you more free-time while getting better organized.  So far I've shined my sinks and am making my bed daily.  I do what works for us, I make up his side of the bed at night when he's at work and then my side before I leave for work in the morning.  It's not perfect, we have our own blankets, but it feels good to *do* something to make our bedroom more inviting.  He noticed when I started making up his side of the bed and that felt good too. *soft smiles*

 

So on to what's going on in my head.  My mind is pulling me in so many directions at once it's hard to figure out which direction is most important.  There are lots of BDSM community things going on now plus something new that I really want to be a part of.  I am super excited about all of this but there is a lot of research and hurry up and wait involved.  I am not a good hurry-up-and-waiter.

 

I'm feeling guilty about my diet... I'm supposed to be following a 1300 cal diet in preparation for gastric bypass surgery approval.  Please no negative comments-I've thought them all myself and have heard a few already.  I'm not going into this blindly, I've been researching it for the last five years and have taken at least that long to go from "I'll NEVER do that" to "It's what I need to do to get healthy and preserve my back health for as long as possible."  I need to improve the quality of my life and I'm not going to be able to do that with diet and exercise alone.  I can't lose enough weight on my own and can't take appetite suppressant medications unless I'm willing to give up the meds that keep me sane-ish.  Gods know I've tried to do it on my own.  I know, I'm not "fat enough" by many people's standards, even I feel like I don't need the surgery as much as someone who is over 300 lbs.  But I know I need the permanent appetite control (as long as I follow the pouch rules) to help me.  It's a tool just like your eliptical trainer, Weight Watcher's meetings, and appetite suppresants.  The only difference is this one is permanent and pretty drastic.  Anyway, as I was saying, guilty about the diet.  I've fallen off the wagon and back into old habits due to stress and depression.  I see the shrink in a month's time, I'll talk to her about the depression.

 

The stress is largely from work.  I'm starting to hate my job, a lot.  I'm depressed when I'm here and I don't feel even a tiny bit better until I'm home.  Even then it feels like this huge thing looming over me because I know I have to go back the next day and so on.  Weekends are even difficult to enjoy because Sunday night comes way too quickly.  I know I should be thankful that I have a job when so many are losing theirs, and I am.  I'm thankful that I'm able to help Master support our family.  I'm SUPER thankful for the dental and medical benefits, without them we'd be so freaking broke and I wouldn't be able to consider the surgery due to cost.  It's the job itself that is getting to me and the subtle policy changes since we were bought by a larger company.  It's slowly changing form the company I signed on with to something else and I'm not sure I like where it's going.

 

On a positive note Master played with me Friday night and we went places we haven't been to in quite some time.  It felt good to go there but it was difficult too.  I'm out of practice and couldn't find my groove.  I got angry and wanted to fight but ended up crying instead.  It was a roller coaster ride and he's promised another one this Friday.  I should be at least a little bit worried.  When your sadistic Master says "I'm going to make you cry" generally one should worry right?  I'll worry later, I've got enough going on in this head of mine right now.