Ketchup

Well,

Here we are again, me having been gone a while and trying to catch up.

Life has been full of ups and downs and I'm learning to move up and down with them.  Not easy to live with.

I don't know where I left off so I'll just hit the highlights.  I've been diagnosed bipolar with medication resistant depression, panic/anxiety disorder, and emotional intensity disorder.  Some days are better than others.  The medication side effects are an adventure in ugh.

Alan/Dominus and I are trying to build a new D/s relationship for ourselves.  The relationship seems to be going along well and building upon itself with little effort.  I have no complaints about our relationship.  I feel fulfilled in submitting to Dominus.

The problem I do have is a lack of kink socialization, no kink play at all, and still this stupid need to have another love in my life.  I want my old love back.  We have part of a lifetime together and he and Alan got on famously.  They both loved me well.  I don't know if I can, or want to, find another love.  They won't be him and I want him.

Then again, Alan and I haven't talked about this.  He may not allow me another friend/kinky play/lover again.  I don't know yet how to feel about that possibility.  I just considered it as a possibility.

I am trying to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't have.  But the reality is I feel isolated, I feel like I will never have SM play again.  I feel like I'll never get to try the kink things I'd been planning to try with the person who came after my former love, Sir, whatever.  I have two brand spanking new toys I had bought to be used on me that I doubt I will ever feel.  I'd had a multi-cane toy that had been sitting in my closet for the better part of a year before someone finally used it on me.  It makes me sad that it was neither of my men who used it.

I'm having to give up certain things in order to take care of my mental health.  I know it's for my own good and I know it's important that I do it but in the long run which is worse?  Better mental health or low quality of life?

I'm facing this same question regarding libido and ability to orgasm.  Take the medication and have more stable moods and no libido or orgasms, or don't take the medication have libido and orgasms and probably be mentally worse off, maybe lose my family or my freedom in the process.  sigh

Other than that, I'm ecstatic.  Really it isn't as bleak as all that.  Those are just snippets of the whole.

My former lover is my current friend.  It is difficult sometimes but I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not in my life at all.  We have three interesting grown children, and three amazing granddaughters.

Dominus has taken an interest in decorating his submissive.  He hasn't taken me officially as his submissive or anything else, we're taking baby steps together and I like that.  But he is enjoying decorating me and dressing me in ways that please him.  Since I cannot work he is starting to let me have facial piercings that he feels are feminine and enhance my looks.  I love it.  I'm his Teddy Bear too, whenever he feels like it he will tell me to come cuddle when he is in bed.  I love being Dominus's Teddy Bear.  I also love the privilege of greeting him at the door every morning after he gets off work.  After that I am allowed to clean out his lunch box.

I am going to start belly dancing class tomorrow night so I can entertain Dominus with my dancing.  Plus, I just enjoy belly dance, it makes me feel sexy.

I'm taking an intensive behavior modification class to help me learn to manage the emotional intensity and my outlook is starting to change a little bit.  I still wish there was a cure.

 

The Pitfalls of Idolizing

They're people we meet in life, we look up to them, we respect them for being who we believe them to be.

They epitomize something important to us, they are the ideal of what we wish to be.

Therein lies our mistake. We've put an ordinary human being on a pedestal and we don't see the warts, wrinkles, hairy moles, bad moods, foul language, and a myriad of other human failings.

It is devastating then when our idols tumble from those pedestals, being revealed for the garden variety human beings they always were. We're then hurt, sad, disappointed, and crushed. If our idols aren't the gods we pictured them to be then what are we? We who modeled ourselves after our idols?

We're still ourselves, still trying to become the best people we can be. And our idols? They're healing from that tumble off the pedestal and are now better able to teach us because we're no longer worshiping them as the gods they're not.

Sick

I am sick with stress.  I'm sick knowing I have lost friends due to my own behavior or X's trust breaching.  I am sick with feeling I cannot trust anyone because they choose to be sheeple and not ask my side of it.  Dominus says they've shown their true colors and to be done with them.  But it hurts and it still makes me sick.

I want to be part of the group again, not an outsider looking in.  I guess I did that myself by taking a hiatus, you lose your standing as a valuable anything if you take time to take care of yourself.  You lose your standing too when you've got jackals at your back sharing only the choicest bits of what you've said, the bits out of context that will make you look like a horrid person.  They leave out the things they've said or done.  They leave out the bits that would prove them untrustworthy.  But no, let's not ask questions, it's so much easier to swallow everything they say, hook, line, and sinker.

It hurts but what can you do?  People will believe what they choose to believe.  It's much easier than thinking for yourself.

I am sick, I want closure, I want people to fess up, to be honest.  I want people to think for themselves and wonder if maybe they should ask me to see what I have to say.  I guess that's asking too much.

Veritas et Aequitas.  It's in my skin, it's what I believe in, and it's what I deserve.

Sharp, cold, gleaming, full of promise.. It seduces me. It whispers to me cut him, just a little he won't notice. Watch the blood well up to the surface... ruby jewels begging to be licked clean.

The blade whispers again as it stokes my arousal... "poke him, just a little, he won't feel it much..the rewards will be oh so wondrous" penetrate him!.

I resist the whisper of the blade and dance with it instead. Treading that fine line between what I and the blade want and what is proper. Tracing red lines over his body, little droplets of red rubies teasing me, promising more. His writhing, body begging for more as he arches up toward me, toward the blade.

My inner thighs become soaked, my juices flowing down them as I strive to control my reactions and ignore the whisper of the blade.

The more aroused I get the louder the blade's whisper gets... my eyes change colors, it's getting dangerous now. We're at the very edge of the edge...I'm still dancing with the blade... my subject enjoying the safer pain and pleasure I've allowed myself to give him.

The blade has to be put away before I can give in to my carnal desires.. but it's whispers remain in my head.