I used to feel much more muchier than I do now. I feel like I've lost my muchness. I don't feel like me anymore. There's a distinct lack of passion for most all areas of my life. That is not me, it isn't the me I used to be and want to be again.
I'm doing my husband and Owner a huge disservice with neglect to his feelings and needs. I don't know how to meet his needs when I have no desire for those things and, in fact, go into a panic thinking about it. How can I be doing this to him? I love him and I want to make him happier than he is now. I know my neglecting him is contributing to his unhappiness. Gods know I don't want us to fall into being a sexless couple forever and ever.
Other than going completely off meds, I don't know what else to do. I know the meds are to blame, everything physical checks out as normal. We talked today, he tells me going off meds is not an option. I got the impression that divorce would follow if I went off meds and back to the manic freak I was. The thing is, I'm afraid divorce could follow extended neglect.
I'm scared that my brain is changed forever, that the meds have ruined everything and that this person is who I will always be now. I don't like this person. I didn't like the manic me either but at least I had passion and desire. I LIVED. Now I just seem to exist.
I'm having a hard time feeling attached or bound to anyone but the people I live with. Even then, I like being alone more often than not because I don't have the stress of their needs and feeling like a failure because I can't seem to meet them.
WHY does there have to be such an expensive trade off? It feels like a punishment. I've lost my life, I've lost myself.
