Submissive Challenge #11 Submissive Personality Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Submissive Personality?

I have been jokingly called a brat by a former (currently complicated) dominant.  He went on to clarify that I am a playful sprite.  I think this is true because I'm not acting out for punishment or "funishment".  If I wanted to be spanked or some other form of impact play I'd ask for it, if the answer is 'no', so be it.  However, he still calls me a brat and it became part of a tattoo indicating my lifestyle.

How would you describe your submissive personality?

Playful, loving, affectionate, caretaking, service oriented, obedient to the best of my ability.  Sometimes quiet and introspective.  Often outspoken and strongly opinionated.  Sometimes I am obstinate but I've learned to ask for time if I am struggling with something instead of digging my heels in and making my partner drag me into place.

How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Currently my Dominus requires that I cover my hair.  It is a show of submission to him, somewhat like a collar but with different meaning.  He has taken something that used to be my pride and has found a way to save it for himself alone.  It scared me at first, I worried about causing offense or being misunderstood.  But I have only received compliments to date.  It has humbled me some though I am allowed some leeway and can still express some individuality in my head coverings.  And hey, there are no bad hair days!  There are, however, bad scarf days.  Oy!

He not only requires my service in the home but, he accepts it and allows me to express that part of myself freely and without  fear of recrimination or rejection.  On my good days I feel very fulfilled and at peace.  I've found a niche for that part of myself through him.

He and my former dominant partner (currently complicated) both encourage me to practice self-care of my mental and physical health.

Ghosting

Life.  I don't know if I'd call this endless, empty, existence a life.

I don't feel real, I don't feel like a person, not unless others are around me pulling me into existence.  Until they leave again or until it's time for me to leave.  Sometimes I wonder if I succeeded in committing suicide and this is my personal hell.  I feel like a ghost just drifting through the World with no meaning to whatever this existence is.

I don't feel real.

Am I defined by my illness?  Is it who I am?

It has lost me a husband and gained me a caretaker instead.   He is just existing too, between work, sleep, and taking care of me because I can be a danger to myself.  I have to hide the proof of my past transgressions.  Long sleeves in the summer are a misery but I think I deserve it.  The painful scars aren't enough punishment for putting my loved ones through the worry I've put them through.  Seeing the scars every time I glance at my arm, they won't fade, being reminded of that day, knowing that I was serious about ending the pain is not enough.

I would give anything for 5 minutes of total sanity and happiness.  No I wouldn't.  The pain would seem more pronounced, the depression stronger, all because of those 5 minutes of peace.  You never realize just how much pain you're in until you get a break from it.  When it comes back, when it comes back...

 

My sister sent me a link to this song and some of it fits too well, too close to my reality.  I just can't wrap my head around the idea that I'm an innocent.

I'm in a bad place again.  I want to numb the pain, trying to stop it is too dangerous and makes me less trustworthy in the eyes of my friends and family.  They wonder how far I'll go.  What if?  It scares them.  I wish they knew how much it scares me.

I'm ghosting through life looking for meaning.  Like the Velveteen Rabbit I want to be real.  I want my life to have meaning.  I want it to be worth something.