Electrifying!

So, today was the violet wand demo with the local group. i had secretly wanted to try it but wasn't sure i would. i'm usually very shy and reserved.
It was awesome! i did end up volunteering and ended up shirtless and braless in front of the group. T'was very awesome! i enjoyed being exposed. i have to admit that.
Ms. R started with the most mild attachment and worked through til she ended up with a knife.. wow! i loved it!
Here is the demo report i wrote up in e-mail to Mark...
"Then Ms. R started using the wand on me.. the first time it touched me i gasped and jumped a little. Then she waited to see if i wanted her to continue and of course i did. So she went to another attachment, it was rake shaped, that one was really intense. The first attachment was round and sort of flat. The rake had like four or five little prongs.The next attachment was a long round one. Oooh i liked it.. she did it between my legs through my pants... yep, i liked that one a lot. ;-) Then she went to the indirect method and first used her hand over my flesh, that was cool then she held various metal implements... one was this really neat little mylar flogger.. very mild. Then a Wartenburg wheel, that was SO cool, very intense. Next was a length of ball chain, i really liked it, it felt so cool.Then a knife! The knife itself was AWESOME! When she traced the tip of it across my skin.. wow! It actually felt like it was cutting, at the very least it felt like she was digging the tip into me as she dragged it across my arm and chest. i absolutely loved it and i'm really craving some knife play now. She had me hold the indirect attachment and used a long thin metal paddle on my back, that was really neat too, not quite as intense either. She had the other girl come back up to feel something she hadn't gotten to try, i think it was the hand. She then had the girl hold the indirect attachment and had her lick me, the girl chose to lick my nipple. That was so wild! It was actually more intense but very different.Then she had me lick the girl somewhere, and of course, i chose her nipple. She had big dark nipples.. thicker than mine. It was really cool. The electricity coming from her body shocking my tongue. Then Ms. R suggested we touch tongues. WOW! That was the most intense bit of all. i can't even begin to describe how it felt.. my tongue was a bit numb afterwards and still feels a little funny. :-) i might have things a little jumbled as far as sequence...i was definitely feeling a little floaty by the time i got back to my seat. But, that's what happened. :-) "
i think i'm hooked. {goofy grin}

Rage against the domination

Okay, so it's not quite that bad.
i just found myself in an interesting situation today. Alan, being dominant by nature and very alpha to boot tends to rule the roost around here and often treats me like a child. That's my perception.
Today i got angry about it as i do on occasion.i don't know why, i'm sub right? i think i caught a glimmer of understanding today. He expects me to just give in and let him have control. He expects it and it pisses me off. What if i don't want to give him control? What if i want to be in control on the same day he wants to be in control? i know it sounds silly and i know i'm just acting like a petulant teenager, fighting against things. It's just that every now and then the chains feel ever so tight and i struggle and strain against them trying to loosen them and find some comfort.
Sometimes i think my honesty hurts Alan's feelings so i try not to say much. He'd mentioned beating me yesterday and i told him "No, it only pisses me off when you do it." It was out before i thought about it. But it's true. i do feel angry when he tries to spank me and sometimes when he tries to dominate me.
i'm trying to teach myself a new/old art now. Making myself more valuable i suppose. Though, i'm not sure what use it can be put to. i'm trying to relearn calligraphy. i learned a bit in jr. high and got fairly good at it. i enjoyed it too. So, here i go again.
Another skill i'd like to learn is the art of the Japanese Tea Ceremony. It's such a beautiful ceremony all centered around the moment.. enjoying the moment, appreciating the beauty of the moment. i think it's something Mark would be able to appreciate. Sadly, there are no schools for that in Iowa and it's not something that is taught in a book or video. So, that will have to remain a wish.

Subbie thoughts

Where to begin?i created this journal as a space for my subbie thoughts and issues. i wanted to separate my thoughts for a while, maybe gain some new perspective on them.
Being sub is an integral part of my life, of who i am. Sometimes i think i'm totally mental or wacko about it because it's such an important part of me.

Mark suggested one night that maybe i'm not as sub as i think i am. i think He was kidding for the most part. And yes, it has occurred to me that maybe i'm not. i've given some thought to it. Could i live happily on Top? i don't think so. i get bored after being in control for a short while and i begin to crave being on the bottom and even do things to give control to the other person. i don't think i'd be a very successful Dominant.

i fight against my sub nature a lot, i resist Mark's control even. In the end though, i know beyond knowing that i will end up on my knees at His feet. i don't know why i resist. It seems silly to resist doesn't it? The only time i feel truly peaceful is when i'm on my knees at His feet. Then i know my place, i'm with someone who knows what to do with me and i trust Him to use me well.