Okay, so it's not quite that bad.
i just found myself in an interesting situation today. Alan, being dominant by nature and very alpha to boot tends to rule the roost around here and often treats me like a child. That's my perception.
Today i got angry about it as i do on occasion.i don't know why, i'm sub right? i think i caught a glimmer of understanding today. He expects me to just give in and let him have control. He expects it and it pisses me off. What if i don't want to give him control? What if i want to be in control on the same day he wants to be in control? i know it sounds silly and i know i'm just acting like a petulant teenager, fighting against things. It's just that every now and then the chains feel ever so tight and i struggle and strain against them trying to loosen them and find some comfort.
Sometimes i think my honesty hurts Alan's feelings so i try not to say much. He'd mentioned beating me yesterday and i told him "No, it only pisses me off when you do it." It was out before i thought about it. But it's true. i do feel angry when he tries to spank me and sometimes when he tries to dominate me.
i'm trying to teach myself a new/old art now. Making myself more valuable i suppose. Though, i'm not sure what use it can be put to. i'm trying to relearn calligraphy. i learned a bit in jr. high and got fairly good at it. i enjoyed it too. So, here i go again.
Another skill i'd like to learn is the art of the Japanese Tea Ceremony. It's such a beautiful ceremony all centered around the moment.. enjoying the moment, appreciating the beauty of the moment. i think it's something Mark would be able to appreciate. Sadly, there are no schools for that in Iowa and it's not something that is taught in a book or video. So, that will have to remain a wish.
