Okay so there's more to say but i wanted to make separate entries because this is a separate issue.
i saw Mark yesterday, it was wonderful. i love spending time with Him, we always have so much fun together. It was bittersweet though because it is likely that it was the last time we'd get to play until school starts in the fall.
The turmoil i have is trying to serve two Masters, one who is having trouble sharing from time to time. i want to share everything with Alan, i want to tell him everything but i feel like i have to hold back because it will hurt him or because it will upset him. So, i edit everything and tend not to tell him what Mark and i do. Sometimes i don't even want to tell him when i've seen Mark. But then that causes problems too because it seems like i'm being secretive.
i don't know how this will play out. i feel like there's a tension between Alan and i and i know it's all my doing. If i'd just relax and not be jealous over Alan playing with others... maybe i could let go of some of my guilt. i feel guilty for loving another man.
