Justice

Two families, two different viewpoints. On the one side there is much celebration and relief, justice has finally been served. On the other side there is sadness and a sense of loss, it doesn't feel like justice to them.

Today the jury came back with a unanimous decision of guilty in the first degree for our Jamey's murderer. He tried to weasel out of it, tried to claim self-defense, tried and failed. Our family has mixed feelings, on the one hand we're pleased with the verdict, on the other hand we still wish there had never been a need for it at all. Finding Eric Miller guilty of killing our Jamey won't undo what was done, it won't bring Jamey back to us no matter how much we may wish it. What I'm looking for in this verdict is closure. It's finally "over", his killer won't get away with it, he won't kill another innocent person, and I can move on through the grieving process.

I feel so much lighter in spirit this afternoon than I have in the past year. Relieved, released from the bondage of grief, reveling in this new sense of rightness.

I don't celebrate at the expense of his family, I don't wish them ill. But their Eric does belong in prison, taking responsibility for the cold-blooded and calculated murder he performed. He devastated our family, I know his own family is hurting too, they're bewildered by why or how he could do such a thing. But, isn't that always the way it goes? Those closest to a killer swear up and down that they're innocent, they'd never suspect him/her of doing such evil things, s/he would be the last person on Earth to do despicable acts to animals or other human beings. Yet, your loved one is capable of evil deeds. We all are, it's part of our human nature, what makes us good or bad people is how we decide to handle those darker urges. What we do with them.

Master doesn't always understand my compassion for others, even those who have wronged me. I just have no place in my heart for hatred anymore. What purpose does it serve? It makes me ill with constant anger, discontent, and thirsting for vengeance. Vengeance won't undo the deed, it won't return lost loved ones, all it does is hurt another human being and gives me more karma to burn off. It's a waste of energy in this girl's book.

To Eric's family, I'm sorry your son did what he did and I'm sorry for the loss you're feeling. However, I am overjoyed for our family, overjoyed that justice, as we see it, has been served. I feel hopeful again, hopeful about the future, and about life in general.

"A Hopi Prayer"

Do not stand

at my grave and weep.

I am not there,

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints

on snow.

I am the sunlight

on the ripened grain.

I am the gentle

Autumn's rain.

When you awaken

in hte morning hush,

I am the swift

uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars

that shine at night.

Do not stand

at my grave and cry:

I am not there,

I did not die.

This is where my thoughts are today. The above poem is from a card I'll be mailing to the widow of a family friend who passed away just yesterday. I feel a very strong call back to my Pagan roots. I need to be with Nature in hopes of finding some sort of peace and understanding.

There has been so much death in the last year and I'm not seeing any re-birth, I'm feeling somewhat dead inside myself. Master tells me it is only temporary, hang in there, it will pass. But it's not passing and I'm becoming sadder with each new death. Much like a child I can't seem to comprehend that these people are truly gone from this world, from this life. Whenever I think about them my grief is like a freshly opened wound and hurts as much as it did the very first day.

Much as the poem says, they are still here, that which is remembered lives. If only I could bring myself to remember without the heartache.

The Importance of Boundaries and Consistency

I've realized, over the past few days, just how important having boundaries and consistency in enforcing those boundaries is in a D/s or M/s relationship. The boundaries or rules are an integral part of these types of relationships, without them you've got what? A vanilla romance with some kinky sex? Being inconsistent in enforcing those boundaries or rules brings us right back to the vanilla romance with kinky sex and a confused s-type who doesn't know when or what to obey.

Over the years I've come to understand that I need boundaries and structure to thrive. I need consistency too or else I feel as if I'm just drifting along with no purpose or guidance. These are two of the main ingredients, if you will, of a M/s relationship for me. Sometimes I crave more restrictions than my Master is interested in placing upon me. I have to try to make peace with that and accept his decision or drive myself crazy with craving and being unhappy as a result. I don't feel that leaving him, or seeking another partner, is a viable option. He is my one and only Master and I'm willing to accept his limits as my own in order to be his slave.

But, when he's not on his game and enforcing the rules and boundaries he has laid down I sort of drift away from my game too, then we're both off. I think we both feel the absence of the dynamic but get complacent and we don't talk about it until we've got to do a lot of rowing to get back to shore. That's where we're at right now, rowing back to shore and trying to do it in sync. I'd like to hurry the trip because I'm happy when we're on the same page and both on our games but I need to follow his lead and go at his pace or else I'm just Topping from the bottom, which is just plain old counterproductive.

I'm working on keeping a positive attitude and so far so good. In the past I'd be pessimistic and cynical about the whole thing. We seem to drift off course pretty often but we also get ourselves back on course just as often. I think that's part and parcel of a growing M/s relationship. We have a huge hurdle to jump, that of our history as a married couple. It's so much easier to just be husband and wife, especially when we're tired or in pain, or whatever. During times of stress, illness, or upset we both just slip so easily into husband and wife roles and begin cutting each other slack for the slip.

I wish I could find the one thing that will keep us from making that slip or at least keep us from slipping too far. I asked him yesterday if we could take time together each day to just reconnect. It doesn't have to be fancy, we don't have to engage in SM play, we don't even have to say anything. I'd be happy with him sitting on the bed while I kneel at his feet with my head in his lap for a few moments. We're talking more now and I'm going to do my best to keep talking. I've made some serious effort in this department and have been saying things that in the past I would only write about. Maybe this time we'll stay on course and won't drift as much.

Loss

"You can't read loss, only feel it."

Did I ever feel it on Saturday. Last week was a very rough week and it all hit me Friday night through Saturday afternoon. I was angry, sad, scared, and despairing. I felt sure that because I can no longer submit to heavy impact on my back that I would lose part of my relationship with my Master. I know he needs to play hard and heavy from time to time and I thrilled in being able to serve him in that way while also getting my need for that type of play met. He will play with others to meet that need while mine will have to be suppressed. I'm always so conflicted too, I'm a mass of contradictions. I want to be the serene and selfless slave that only wants her Master's happiness. The one that doesn't feel jealousy and envy is just a mild feeling that breaches the surface of emotions then resubmerges never to be seen again. But I'm not. I'm just me, with all my faults, issues, and baggage. I fear loss. I fear that I'm going to lose more than I can bear to lose.

Not being able to do something doesn't mean that I don't still need it or want it. It just means I have to go without that particular thing and it is painful to watch him give that thing to another. In this case the thing is heavy impact, aka punching. I LOVED being able to play hard with him, it felt so good. I loved being punched, I still do but I am scared that, with the degenerative disc disease, it is dangerous to do any heavy impact even if the spine area is avoided. I found out Monday that I've got a thoracic disc that is bulging forward slightly, it isn't degenerated yet but it is on its way to going bad. I'm concerned that the punching is the cause of this particular disc beginning to bulge.

I'd really fallen into the black pit of despair, mired down in it, almost but not quite wallowing in the muck. I cried it all out, sometimes in Master's arms, sometimes not. He was concerned about taking me to visit the Tribe that night because he wasn't sure if I'd be OK, especially if he decided to play with another person there. After a revelation from him and realizing that I've been a complete pain in the butt, I promised that I would behave and I was true to my word. I wasn't kidding when I said I really want to be selfless. I do want him to be happy and I understand that to be happy he may want, or need, to play with others. I just have trouble with the application of that particular behavior. My emotions get in the way and unfortunately emotions are not always rational, at least mine aren't.

We had a great time together Saturday night. I was well-enough to play and it was wonderful. He pushed me, like he always does, to take what he had to offer. He pushed me to the edge of my control and then beyond until I was a quivering, sobbing, begging, thing, eager to do whatever it would take to end the pain. It was release, sweet cathartic release, and it did me a world of good. It restored my confidence and reassured me that we can still play together. Later on he did indeed play with someone else. It was a group effort and despite my intention to just sit and watch I joined in. The back and forth joking and laughter contrasted with the intense impact play we were engaged in and built some amazing energy. It all ended with our subject laughing and giggling almost uncontrollably. In all, it was amazing and very enjoyable. I hadn't been feeling sadistic at all and I surprised myself, as well as everyone else. Everyone kept talking about how mean I am so I had to get some Happy Bunny socks that say "I'm not mean you're just a sissy". *grins*

My life has never been easy so it would be silly to expect it to start being easy now. But, I can be silly from time to time and I'm thankful that I have people around me who will give me a "gentle" nudge to knock it off.

Scared

Today is the day. I see the surgeons and I'm scared. I'm scared they'll say no to surgery and I'm scared they'll say yes. One answer will crush my hopes and the other will terrify me to my core. In just a few short hours I will know one way or the other if I'll be having surgery. I hope too that I'll know when if they decide to do it. I should be working on my list of questions to ask them but my mind is blank. All I can do is sit here, do my work, and hope I can remain calm enough to make it through the work day.

I'm at once impatient and not. I'd like time to go by so I can get this over with. Much like a band-aid, just rip it off so it's over quickly. I've done so much waiting that I'm tired of it but it doesn't seem like such a bad thing this morning.

I can't help but worry about how surgery will change my life, both bad and good. Success or failure, my life will be forever changed as will the lives of my partners in the way they relate to me.

Master and I haven't been Master and slave in much more than name for far too long. Of course he still has the final say and I still obey him but I don't serve much, he doesn't ask much, and he doesn't hold me accountable very often. A failed surgery and that may become a permanent situation. The thought of that possibility fills me with despair and I shy away from the thoughts.

A successful surgery should improve things, I should be able to serve him as I once did, I should have a lot less pain and would then be able for SM play again. I'm afraid to hope.