Loss

"You can't read loss, only feel it."

Did I ever feel it on Saturday. Last week was a very rough week and it all hit me Friday night through Saturday afternoon. I was angry, sad, scared, and despairing. I felt sure that because I can no longer submit to heavy impact on my back that I would lose part of my relationship with my Master. I know he needs to play hard and heavy from time to time and I thrilled in being able to serve him in that way while also getting my need for that type of play met. He will play with others to meet that need while mine will have to be suppressed. I'm always so conflicted too, I'm a mass of contradictions. I want to be the serene and selfless slave that only wants her Master's happiness. The one that doesn't feel jealousy and envy is just a mild feeling that breaches the surface of emotions then resubmerges never to be seen again. But I'm not. I'm just me, with all my faults, issues, and baggage. I fear loss. I fear that I'm going to lose more than I can bear to lose.

Not being able to do something doesn't mean that I don't still need it or want it. It just means I have to go without that particular thing and it is painful to watch him give that thing to another. In this case the thing is heavy impact, aka punching. I LOVED being able to play hard with him, it felt so good. I loved being punched, I still do but I am scared that, with the degenerative disc disease, it is dangerous to do any heavy impact even if the spine area is avoided. I found out Monday that I've got a thoracic disc that is bulging forward slightly, it isn't degenerated yet but it is on its way to going bad. I'm concerned that the punching is the cause of this particular disc beginning to bulge.

I'd really fallen into the black pit of despair, mired down in it, almost but not quite wallowing in the muck. I cried it all out, sometimes in Master's arms, sometimes not. He was concerned about taking me to visit the Tribe that night because he wasn't sure if I'd be OK, especially if he decided to play with another person there. After a revelation from him and realizing that I've been a complete pain in the butt, I promised that I would behave and I was true to my word. I wasn't kidding when I said I really want to be selfless. I do want him to be happy and I understand that to be happy he may want, or need, to play with others. I just have trouble with the application of that particular behavior. My emotions get in the way and unfortunately emotions are not always rational, at least mine aren't.

We had a great time together Saturday night. I was well-enough to play and it was wonderful. He pushed me, like he always does, to take what he had to offer. He pushed me to the edge of my control and then beyond until I was a quivering, sobbing, begging, thing, eager to do whatever it would take to end the pain. It was release, sweet cathartic release, and it did me a world of good. It restored my confidence and reassured me that we can still play together. Later on he did indeed play with someone else. It was a group effort and despite my intention to just sit and watch I joined in. The back and forth joking and laughter contrasted with the intense impact play we were engaged in and built some amazing energy. It all ended with our subject laughing and giggling almost uncontrollably. In all, it was amazing and very enjoyable. I hadn't been feeling sadistic at all and I surprised myself, as well as everyone else. Everyone kept talking about how mean I am so I had to get some Happy Bunny socks that say "I'm not mean you're just a sissy". *grins*

My life has never been easy so it would be silly to expect it to start being easy now. But, I can be silly from time to time and I'm thankful that I have people around me who will give me a "gentle" nudge to knock it off.