Lost

I feel lost, like I've wandered away from my Daddy in the store, except he's wandered away from me and I can't find him.  It's Daddy who is lost, not me but it doesn't make me feel any less lost myself.  When my lil peeks out he seems almost angry with her.  I got angry with him on her behalf last night.  I said some things I wish I could take back but that doesn't mean they're not valid.

 

He used to love his lil girl and made her feel special and wanted.  Now she just feels like she's in the way and unwanted, unloved.  It hurts.  He snapped about something and being tired of "kid sh*t" and I reminded him that's what he's got so he may as well deal with it or else we'll find someone who can.  It wasn't fair to threaten like that and I really wish I could take that back.

 

But at the same time, what am I supposed to do?  I've been encouraged and even indulged with my lil, Daddy loved her.  What did she do wrong?  What did we do wrong that our Daddy doesn't love us anymore?

 

Maybe he's not a real Daddy for us, it was just "fun for a while" and now it's not fun anymore?  Maybe it's a phase, one he cycles in and out of?  I don't know.  What I want to know is what we're supposed to do in the meantime to feel whole and complete.

 

I wonder if I made a mistake in exploring this part of me now.  It's like a Pandora's box that can't be closed.  My lil needs to be loved, adored, and pampered.  She needs her Daddy and doesn't understand why he won't love her or play with her like he used to.  All the adult reasoning in the world doesn't change that base need.  I don't understand how he can shut it off, I thought he needed it too.  Now I feel like I misunderstood his intentions and got too wrapped up in something that was only a passing fancy for him.

 

I wonder about finding another Daddy, but neither of us wants another Daddy, we want the one we had, we want him back.  Maybe that's too much to ask for, we're just sad and lonely without him and wish we didn't get snapped at or yelled at when we're peeking out.