Worthless

I feel worthless this morning.  I feel like I've given up part of my identity and I did it of my own free will.  Why?  Because I felt like he wasn't taking the reins, I felt like I had too much slack in the reins and after asking more than once for more consistency, and less slack, I got tired of asking.

 

I gave him his collar back and told him I needed him to decide if he really wanted to own me and if he did then I needed him to lead me instead of letting me lead.  I don't fear punishment.  He may threaten it but he doesn't follow through.  Maybe I'm not slave material, maybe I'm just a submissive playing at being slave.  I don't know.  I feel like I don't know who I am right now.

 

We're going to a play party tonight and I don't know how I'm supposed to behave, I don't know how to play with him as a submissive and not as a slave.  I just don't know and I'm confused as can be.  How do you use safewords you haven't had for years?  I'm so accustomed to playing with him as his slave that I don't know if I can code.  I'm so jumbled up inside I don't know if I can even get into the right headspace to play at all.  What if I just get angry instead of letting go and enjoying the scene?  What if I bring all this emotional crap with me to the party?  He'll be disappointed in me, more than he is already.

 

It hurt my feelings when he didn't immediately say "Of course I want to own you, let me put this collar back on."  He has to actually think about it and I'm scared that I've screwed up royally this time.  I may have ruined the best thing I ever had all because I felt I had needs that weren't being met.

 

Am I wrong in asking to have my needs met?  Am I wrong in asking for consistency or for direction?  I know the way I go about it sometimes, like last night, is wrong.  I disrespected him and I am deeply sorry for that.  I could have cut myself a million times as pennance for that mistake.  I'm just so frustrated and I feel like I have nowhere to turn to ease that frustration so it balls up inside me, I try to stuff it into the deepest corners of myself and ignore it.  But I only have so much room for stuffing things and I finally boil over, like I've been doing all week.  I get a good mad on and I don't care anymore about anyone else's needs but my own.  It's selfish and childish.

 

I'm not worthy of his collar, I know this now.  At best I can hope he'll still want me as his submissive but the truth is, I may have ruined that too.