New Experiences

We had a great weekend, we got to go visit another group for a fabulous workshop and play party after.  We played alright and played hard.  It was intense and new.  He took me to the point of nearly being hysterical then gentled me down and took me up again.  It was gratifying to me to be able to take more for him by being given a chance to recover myself a little bit.

 

I came away from it with actual marks!!  I've got bruises!!  It's been such a long time and I can't stop gawking in the mirror whenever I'm nekkid in front of it.

 

I feel so GOOD, so peaceful and relaxed.  Actually I could use a nap. lol

 

Seriously though, I don't feel stressed or frantic about anything.  All is right with the world.  Okay, all will be right with the world so long as m'Lady forgets all about the surgical staples and stapler.

 

I love this state of mind, this place of peace.  Nothing seems impossible and I feel good about myself as a slave.  I feel soft, pliant, serene.  It always amazes me to find myself feeling like this.  You'd think I'd be accustomed to it by now.

Day Dreaming

It's 8:25 a.m. and my work day hasn't even begun yet I'm ready to head home.  I have craft projects I would rather be doing.  Things that I can't exactly bring to work. *chuckles*

 

I'm working on perfecting a pair of rope floggers for Alan so he's got a nice matched pair for the demo we're attending on the 29th.  I'm also going to make him a new set of knotted end rope floggers to maybe enhance or replace the pair we already have.  I'm eager to get these done for him, they'll take a little while to finish.  Being the anal retentive perfectionist I am, they'll take even longer.

 

I'm restless, I want to get out and DO something.  It's Ostara today, the spring equinox, and I just want to be OUT!

 

I'm itching to get all sorts of things done that I don't have time to do otherwise.  I'm craving some time in the sun, just soaking it into my pores, as well as crafting for Alan.  Sometimes having youngins at home makes that difficult.  I can't just decide to go sit out back and craft for obvious reasons.  I can't sit in the living room to craft for those very same reasons.  It's frustrating sometimes, trying to live both lives as seamlessly as possible.  I hate compartmentalizing my life, I'd rather it be one whole piece.  I'd LOVE to be able to tell vanilla folks that I've got to check with Master before I make plans.  That's probably why I avoid vanilla friendships.  I have one and we rarely talk because our lives are so different.

 

I'm uncomfortable and somewhat fearful around vanilla people sometimes, especially when I have visible bruising or marks from SM play.  I had a rug burn on my elbow last year that drew some attention from my co-workers and I had to explain it away.  How much different would it be if I could have said, "Well over the weekend my Master and a close dominant friend of ours did a takedown scene and I got a little rug burn in the process."?

 

How much different would it be if I could tell my doctors that the 'A' carved into my right buttock was a mark of ownership from my Master?  That the "scratches" were from a night of torture and pleasure with my favorite toy, cold steel, sharp knives.

 

How much different would it be if I didn't have to worry about my Master being carted away in handcuffs for spousal abuse if someone overheard our playing.  Or that our children would think he was abusive by seeing my service to him or overhearing our play?  How much better would it be if I could simply confess to them how happy this way of life makes me?  That I've never felt more loved and cherished than I do right now?  That the things he does to me I've volunteered for and generally love, even if I hate them?

 

Yep, I'm ready for the work day to be over and my long weekend to begin!

Let It Flow

It seems like since my post yesterday I have a lot to say but a lot of it is incoherent babble.

 

More and more, as I get further into this lifestyle, especially M/s, I see a direct correlation between dog training and slave training.  The Master is the alpha, the pack leader and the rest of us who aren't alphas are followers, or pack members.

 

The problem I find myself running into, it's a brick wall that I bang my head on constantly, is that I'm not wholly a follower though I crave the safety of the pack and I want/need to be a pack member.  I have a little bit of alpha in my personality make up and I'm always banging into it.  I'm guessing Alan probably feels like he's banging into that brick wall too when he tries to assert himself.

 

So how do I learn to stomp on the alpha part of myself and roll over and show my belly like a good submissive?

 

If you haven't guessed by now, we've watched a lot of the Dog Whisperer shows and I really do find a direct correlation from what he says to our M/s relationship.  Maybe I need that sound or hand signal from him that tells me I'm overstepping my bounds and that I need to get back into line.  I don't always know how to act and in that case the alpha portion of my brain takes over and says "I'm the Boss, screw him!"  The submissive portion groans in silence knowing the outcome isn't going to be pretty.

 

Being human though, I try to work it out instead of just acting on instinct as a dog would.  I try to actively focus on being pliable, open, submissive.  *sigh*  If anyone had told me how hard it would be to be a 24/7 slave I might have at least had second, third, and fourth thoughts before committing to this.  Naaahh, I can't back that up, it's the life I crave.  Total immersion in my Master's control.  I just wish the alpha portion of my brain would shut the heck up.

Ho Hum

Lots of changes, lots of life happening, and lots of waiting.  That seems to be the tune my life is played to these days.  Sometimes I think I want to play it to a different tune but I'm not so sure I really do, deep down inside where it counts.

 

Alan is working overnights for now, it's supposed to be temporary and I'm keeping all the crossables crossed in hopes that it's *very* temporary.

 

I've been panic/anxiety free for about a month now.  Not too shabby if I do say so myself.  I keep telling myself "Things will be even better once..."  But will they?  I want to believe it's true.  I want to believe that I'll be happier, healthier, and will have more energy once I can finally get the permanent spinal cord stimulator.  The trial was a huge success and I'm told the permanent implant kicks the crap out of the temp.  How can I not look forward to it as a cure-all even though I know it's just another band-aid?  I'm willing to take anything I can get right now until medical practice catches up and they can actually fix my back.

 

I tell myself I'll be happier, healthier, yadda, yadda, yadda once I get the implant and can start exercising again.  Okay, so that one is probably true.  I want a bicycle this year.  I found the one I want at Wal-Mart, it's a mountain bike, sturdy and hot pink.  I want to get a matching one for HRS and something manly-looking for Alan so we can go on bicycle rides together.

 

Things with the local group really seem to be skyrocketing as far as growth and activity.  It's thrilling to be in the midst of it and to be part of it.

 

FINALLY I get to travel to a BDSM event, granted it's still in Iowa but at least it's not home.  Alan says we get to go and I'm SO excited about it.

 

I feel like I've stagnated, like I'm buried under ice and snow, sleeping and waiting for Spring to come along and wake me up so I can grow again, stretch, and soak up the sun.

 

HRS has made it clear that she wants us to celebrate Ostara this year, last year was a mess and I wasn't feeling very celebratory.  This year I want to make it different, special.  It used to be that I would give the kids baskets of candies and doo-dads on Ostara.  This year I want to give her some things that actually pertain to the holiday and this time of year.  A time of growth and rebirth.  To that end I think I might get her a plant of some sort that she'll be responsible for.  Perhaps we'll even make some candles together.  I've got less than a week to put this together so I'd better get shakin'.

 

Re-reading all of this reminds me of the quote "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans."  I've been living life, sometimes at a breakneck pace, sometimes more sedately but I've been living and living well.

 

Blessed Be!