Questions No Answers

I don't understand why you won't answer some of my questions.  I need answers to these questions.

I am trying to not have "moments" or come on too strong but you seem to be not wanting to answer my questions and my lack of control over that makes me crazy.  I need to make some peace with the fact that I can't control you.  But can't you answer some of my questions or give a reason why you're not going to answer others?

I feel like you've been pulling back from me since Friday night/Saturday.  Is something wrong?

I don't know how to build a relationship, I feel awkward and like I'm doing it very badly.  I would like some direction as to what you want from me and which direction I should go.  I want to serve you to the best of my ability and in the way you wish to be served, I just don't see how I can do that without direction from you.  My advice to new submissives asking similar questions is to ask their dominant what he wants from them.

I want to submit to you, I deem you worthy of my submission.  Is that such a bad thing?  Really?  Yes it's fast by some standards.  But I know what I want and need in a dominant, I don't need that time to figure that part out.  I've trusted you with my life, mind, and emotions, you've been careful of all three.  Concerned and caring.  I will go at your speed but I am chomping at the bit.  I don't want to just play anymore.  I want to work on building more than just a play relationship.  I don't think a dynamic can stand on play alone.  Those are just my thoughts.

Fed Up

I've absolutely had it.  People who call themselves my friend walk away, turn their backs, or just ignore me.  Seriously?  How about we be adult enough to talk about it and formally end the "friendship" instead of playing nice, lying, and pretending to still be my friend!

I'm also sick of the drama caused by psychotic whiney bitches who blame me for their failings.  For fuck's sake, I don't need to compete for a man, I'm not desperate OR pathetic like that.  I was living just fine without a dominant partner.  I wasn't ecstatic but I wasn't despondent either.

Now that I've found one who is willing to explore the darkside with me sure I'm excited but had he said "No, I'm dedicated to X" I would have graciously bowed out.

Growing Pains

You find a partner, develop a relationship, and you get comfortable. Then one day you wake up and your entire world is upended.

You question yourself, your judgement, your worth. "What did I do wrong?" "What is wrong with me?" "I can't live this life." "I don't want a life without him in it."

You go into mourning and fall into self-pity. Drag yourself up out of the pit and carry on. You do what you have to do and you deal with it, life goes on with or without you. Then it becomes okay. Your self-worth may still be damaged along with your self-confidence. It takes more time to rebuild those than to get over him.

It's painful but you get over it and you move on. He isn't worth your suffering, your pining, or your tears. He is a thing of the past. The length of time it takes to get over him depends on you. Why waste your energy on something that is dead and gone?

Then you remember the spot of sunshine that you'd found before he threw your world into a spiraling black hole. That spot of sunshine reminds you that life can be good, it gives you hope, it makes you look toward the future with hope and desire.

Eventually someone will see you, you will be worth something to him. He will inspire your long-dormant submission and you will want to move forward with him and give him all of your submission.

You learn and grow, you begin to understand that you may go into relationships with forever in mind but not everyone does. That knowledge frees you up to better enjoy the experiences you do have.

None of this happens quickly or easily, there are growing pains along the way but it's worth it.

The one thing you forget is that those spots of sunshine are nothing more than a train coming to flatten you.  They're opportunists and you're an easy mark when you're so sad, empty, and aching for dominance.  Take time, at least one month, before you engage in any sort of relationship, sexual, SM, D/s... anything more than friends.  Learn to be you again.  Don't make the mistake I made, letting the wrong person in making the hurt worse than it should have been.

Understand that even if your relationship ends, there may be something good, something better once you've both gotten past the sads.

Crazies/Metnally Ill/Tired

DISCLAIMER: To all my fellow mentally ill peeps, I call mental illness crazy it's a catch-all word without having to go into detail about the particulars or waste time saying it all.

I'm tired of people in general. Not you, not you, you, but not you.

I go along believing I'm crazy and then every now and then someone out-crazies me and I realize that in comparison I am perfectly sane. The perspective is awesome but the experience is wearying.

You cannot reason with a crazy person, logic is a foreign concept, and their reality trumps Reality. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The extremes in behavior almost give you (general you) whiplash.

I hate drama, I really do. I prefer to get along but there are some people out there who just won't get along, they don't want to. It's really saddening, I feel badly for them because they must be extremely miserable.

Keep your good friends close, you (again in general) don't realize how valuable and rare they are until the crazies jump out at you or your own crazy takes hold. sigh