This weekend Alan and i went to a play party together. It was his first time meeting the group and playing in front of anyone else. We both had a great time. Mistress J helped him beat and torture me. It was great fun and i think they worked very well together. We played for a very long time which was awesome.
Alan and i were fairly inseperable the rest of the night, he sat on the couch and i sat curled on the floor in front of him, snuggling against his leg. That was our aftercare and it was perfect for me. i didn't have any sub drop. Alan, i think, did have some Dom drop but he did get to a really intense head space that he's never been in before so it's not surprising. i went to bed with him last night and cuddled with him because he said he needed it. i was more than happy to do that for him. i do like to take care of my men.
It was interesting at the play party when we were introducing ourselves. For the first time i said outloud that i belong to Alan and to Mark. i do belong to them both, it still blows my mind sometimes. i have two wonderful men and they both love me.
Monday, July 22, 2002
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Moods and my mouth
i don't know what it is but when i get into a mood i can't behave. i say some really mean things and have a really bad attitude.
i can feel it coming and just can't seem to control my mouth when it hits. This gets me into a lot of trouble and rightly so as i act very disrespectful at these times. Yesterday on the phone with Alan one of those moods hit me full force. i started bitching at him because he went to a friend's house after work instead of coming home right after. He stopped me cold with a warning. i couldn't apologize though, i was still in the middle of the mood so i told him "maybe it'd be better if i just hush now." that was my way of saying that i couldn't say anything nice so i'd better not say anything at all. He understood and let me off the phone but didn't let me off the hook. When he came home he called me into the bedroom. Once there he told me he felt like he needed to correct me, give me an attitude adjustment. He pointed out that my mood may have left but his displeasure with me hadn't. He had me undress and then spanked me with his leather belt. It hurt, it was the first time i'd been hit with a leather belt as an adult. He cuddled me then after lecturing me about my behavior. i ended up crying and apologizing but felt better afterwards.
Still, i don't know how to control these moods or at the very least, control my mouth when i'm in these moods. This is when i brat the most. i've done it to Mark too and it's just not right that i do it to either of them. It's something i'd really like to work on and change.
i can feel it coming and just can't seem to control my mouth when it hits. This gets me into a lot of trouble and rightly so as i act very disrespectful at these times. Yesterday on the phone with Alan one of those moods hit me full force. i started bitching at him because he went to a friend's house after work instead of coming home right after. He stopped me cold with a warning. i couldn't apologize though, i was still in the middle of the mood so i told him "maybe it'd be better if i just hush now." that was my way of saying that i couldn't say anything nice so i'd better not say anything at all. He understood and let me off the phone but didn't let me off the hook. When he came home he called me into the bedroom. Once there he told me he felt like he needed to correct me, give me an attitude adjustment. He pointed out that my mood may have left but his displeasure with me hadn't. He had me undress and then spanked me with his leather belt. It hurt, it was the first time i'd been hit with a leather belt as an adult. He cuddled me then after lecturing me about my behavior. i ended up crying and apologizing but felt better afterwards.
Still, i don't know how to control these moods or at the very least, control my mouth when i'm in these moods. This is when i brat the most. i've done it to Mark too and it's just not right that i do it to either of them. It's something i'd really like to work on and change.
Thursday, July 11, 2002
Jealousy
i just need to vent a little... i'm frustrated.
Sir wants me to work on my jealousy, i want me to work on my jealousy too. But, i'm having a hard time getting over it. i don't know how to not feel it.
i feel like He's pushing me and like He's impatient because i'm not getting over it to suit His time frame. This makes me want to bite and dig my heels in. i'll deal with it in my own time.
i feel like i'm failing Him because i can't not feel jealous. i know it disappoints him and this just kills me. What will He do if i can't get over my jealousy? Will He stop wanting to play with me or stop asking me to join Him and others?
It makes me so angry that i can't get over it. Help me someone please!
i'm afraid that in order to please Him, i'll go ahead and play with Him and others anyway and deal with the feelings somehow. It seems like the only option right now.
Sir wants me to work on my jealousy, i want me to work on my jealousy too. But, i'm having a hard time getting over it. i don't know how to not feel it.
i feel like He's pushing me and like He's impatient because i'm not getting over it to suit His time frame. This makes me want to bite and dig my heels in. i'll deal with it in my own time.
i feel like i'm failing Him because i can't not feel jealous. i know it disappoints him and this just kills me. What will He do if i can't get over my jealousy? Will He stop wanting to play with me or stop asking me to join Him and others?
It makes me so angry that i can't get over it. Help me someone please!
i'm afraid that in order to please Him, i'll go ahead and play with Him and others anyway and deal with the feelings somehow. It seems like the only option right now.
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