Changes

I still don't like change. I fired change this morning but change has informed me that it can't be fired.
M and I have decided that he will take a secondary role in my life... if I were honest I would say this is as it should be. Still, I'm a little melancholy over it. He's been, in my mind anyway, my primary Dominant for a long time. So, to have him take a secondary role is difficult to get used to.
It's not really a big change though, I need to remind myself of that. Really all we've done is defined how things really are between us. He hasn't acted as my primary Dominant for some time now...and I've been answering to A more and more.
I lived in fear of this sort of change... afraid I'd lose M altogether. Too often I fear the worst. He reassured me that he's not going anywhere and that helped a lot. It also helped to hear that he does love me very much.
I hope he's taking this okay... I worry about him. It's my nature, to worry about those I care about.

Seeing clearly

I can now see the benefits of finally seeing the situation with M for what it really is. I think I've detached from him and from our relationship somewhat.
He talked tonight about this woman in CR. I was honest with him, "Still playing with that fire eh?" "I can't say it's the wisest thing you've ever done."He agreed with me, says he needs to get out of it. I told him to do it then. He said he's going to. I said "I hear ya talkin'" In other words, I'll believe it when I see it.
But, while I still felt a little twinge of jealousy... it wasn't the same. I felt like I was talking to a friend who was being extremely unwise and not at all like a sub whose Dominant is neglecting her to spend time with others.
I feel a little wistful and maybe a little sad at these changes in me but I understand now why they needed to take place.
M and I have tentative plans for him to visit Tuesday afternoon to have our long awaited talk. I'm dreading it in some ways. I'm afraid I'm going to hear nothing but justifications for his actions and I don't want to hear that. I won't accept justifications because there is no justification for lying to me.
I haven't told him yet about Alan making me his slave. I don't know how to tell him. I don't know how he'll react or even how I expect him to react.
I had someone tell me tonight that he's long thought that I belonged in the slave category. It still blows my mind that I've stepped onto this path and have done so of my own free will. I'm a control freak for goodness sake, what am I doing?
I remember, when I was a teenager, lying on A's bed and reading the biker fiction in his Easyrider magazines. They always referred to their girlfriends in these stories as their "house mouse" and these women were submissive, and domestic, and they belonged to their men. I fantasized often about being A's "house mouse". It's just strange how these things are with us our entire lives and only make sense when we look back down the road we've just walked.
So, I begin this week with some trepidation. I can only hope that I can stand up and bravely face whatever comes.

Me? A slave?

I never thought of myself as slave material. I laughed at the idea of me being anyone's slave. "I'm too bratty." or "I'm too independent." I'd say... the truth of the matter is... i can still be those things and be a slave.
Let me back up and begin at the starting. Things with M have changed a lot... I don't really know *when* they started changing or why but they did. Maybe it's the way I'm seeing things these days, maybe I've changed. I don't know. All I do know for certain is that M, while I love him and cherish his presence in my life, has become less of a Dominating factor in my life. He used to be my primary Dominant but since his life has really gotten busy he's had less time for me. I think he started to take me for granted, believing that I'd always be here for him when he wanted me. I had a blow out over that, I think I wrote a little about it in a previous entry so I won't rehash it right now. Suffice it to say that I've decided that he and I need to redefine some things in our relationship. One of them being, his position in my life.
With M's stepping back, either deliberately or by circumstance... it has allowed A to step foward to take a more prominent position as my Dominant. Within the last month or so I've noticed a definite push from him for more Dominance... little by little he nibbles at my limits and at my control. I thought maybe it was something he was doing inadvertantly but it is deliberate. He wants to make me his slave and I, I find myself wanting to be his slave. At the same time I feel like I should run for the hills. The thought of giving so much control to anyone is frightening to me, my submissive feelings seem bigger than I am and they threaten to crash over me like a tsunami. Washing away all that I was and leaving something new and raw in it's wake. We all know how I feel about change... it's not my favorite thing.
I worry too, about how M will feel about all of this. I still want him to be a part of my life. I still want him to be my lover and my best friend and I can't relate to him as anything other than as a submissive.Selfish? Maybe so but I can't help loving him and being addicted to the great sex.
But, I know change is necessary, it's inevitable and fighting against it is like swimming against the tide.. it's tiring and in the end the tide is going to win. So, I'm going to try to save myself some exhaustion and embrace this change with somewhat open arms.
I want to be Alan's slave...in addition to the fear and worries an indescribable joy fills me when I think about wearing his collar and calling him Master.
He plans to mark me... with his name, a tattoo most likely... it is what I want too.