I can now see the benefits of finally seeing the situation with M for what it really is. I think I've detached from him and from our relationship somewhat.
He talked tonight about this woman in CR. I was honest with him, "Still playing with that fire eh?" "I can't say it's the wisest thing you've ever done."He agreed with me, says he needs to get out of it. I told him to do it then. He said he's going to. I said "I hear ya talkin'" In other words, I'll believe it when I see it.
But, while I still felt a little twinge of jealousy... it wasn't the same. I felt like I was talking to a friend who was being extremely unwise and not at all like a sub whose Dominant is neglecting her to spend time with others.
I feel a little wistful and maybe a little sad at these changes in me but I understand now why they needed to take place.
M and I have tentative plans for him to visit Tuesday afternoon to have our long awaited talk. I'm dreading it in some ways. I'm afraid I'm going to hear nothing but justifications for his actions and I don't want to hear that. I won't accept justifications because there is no justification for lying to me.
I haven't told him yet about Alan making me his slave. I don't know how to tell him. I don't know how he'll react or even how I expect him to react.
I had someone tell me tonight that he's long thought that I belonged in the slave category. It still blows my mind that I've stepped onto this path and have done so of my own free will. I'm a control freak for goodness sake, what am I doing?
I remember, when I was a teenager, lying on A's bed and reading the biker fiction in his Easyrider magazines. They always referred to their girlfriends in these stories as their "house mouse" and these women were submissive, and domestic, and they belonged to their men. I fantasized often about being A's "house mouse". It's just strange how these things are with us our entire lives and only make sense when we look back down the road we've just walked.
So, I begin this week with some trepidation. I can only hope that I can stand up and bravely face whatever comes.
