I never thought of myself as slave material. I laughed at the idea of me being anyone's slave. "I'm too bratty." or "I'm too independent." I'd say... the truth of the matter is... i can still be those things and be a slave.
Let me back up and begin at the starting. Things with M have changed a lot... I don't really know *when* they started changing or why but they did. Maybe it's the way I'm seeing things these days, maybe I've changed. I don't know. All I do know for certain is that M, while I love him and cherish his presence in my life, has become less of a Dominating factor in my life. He used to be my primary Dominant but since his life has really gotten busy he's had less time for me. I think he started to take me for granted, believing that I'd always be here for him when he wanted me. I had a blow out over that, I think I wrote a little about it in a previous entry so I won't rehash it right now. Suffice it to say that I've decided that he and I need to redefine some things in our relationship. One of them being, his position in my life.
With M's stepping back, either deliberately or by circumstance... it has allowed A to step foward to take a more prominent position as my Dominant. Within the last month or so I've noticed a definite push from him for more Dominance... little by little he nibbles at my limits and at my control. I thought maybe it was something he was doing inadvertantly but it is deliberate. He wants to make me his slave and I, I find myself wanting to be his slave. At the same time I feel like I should run for the hills. The thought of giving so much control to anyone is frightening to me, my submissive feelings seem bigger than I am and they threaten to crash over me like a tsunami. Washing away all that I was and leaving something new and raw in it's wake. We all know how I feel about change... it's not my favorite thing.
I worry too, about how M will feel about all of this. I still want him to be a part of my life. I still want him to be my lover and my best friend and I can't relate to him as anything other than as a submissive.Selfish? Maybe so but I can't help loving him and being addicted to the great sex.
But, I know change is necessary, it's inevitable and fighting against it is like swimming against the tide.. it's tiring and in the end the tide is going to win. So, I'm going to try to save myself some exhaustion and embrace this change with somewhat open arms.
I want to be Alan's slave...in addition to the fear and worries an indescribable joy fills me when I think about wearing his collar and calling him Master.
He plans to mark me... with his name, a tattoo most likely... it is what I want too.
