Wakeful

I should be dead asleep right now but instead I'm wide awake with my mind racing.

I've begun working again, instead of the relief it should be, it is something I dread. My back had begun to improve, then I began sitting for longer periods to do school work and it began to ache a bit but was quickly alleviated by going to lie down or just lounging on the couch for a while. I thought I'd be fine to work... I was wrong. I've only worked two days and I have to force myself to go and to stay there. I'm going back to the doctor, there's no doubt in my mind.

I feel a bit discouraged; I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I thought I was getting better. I thought I'd be able to work pain free or pretty close to it. The way things appear right now, to work is to be miserable and that's going to be my lot in life because I have to work. I already want to avoid doing anything after work. I am exhausted and I hurt. I'd give anything for a comfortable position to rest my body in. Anyone have a gravity free atmosphere handy?

I don't want to whine, I'd love to be able to bear the pain with quiet grace and dignity. I'm just not that kind of person I guess.

I'm frustrated by this turn of events. I'm slightly intimidated by my doctor's attitude of "Physical therapy will cure you; don't come back unless it doesn't get better." I feel like this relapse is somehow my fault, I was getting better and now I'm not.

I'm exhausted, I need rest...it's just out of my reach right now.

Life update

I've been trying for days to think of something to write. Life has been moving along at its own pace, some days have been good and some have been not so good.

On Wednesday I received a letter that I had been waiting for. I have finally been scheduled for an interview for a position with the city. It's nothing fancy, just data entry and office work but it's right up my alley and the benefits would be good enough that Master could afford to look for a job with a better employer.

On the one hand I want to get excited at the prospect of getting this job but on the other hand, I know I am not as qualified as others who might have applied for the position. I don't have much for a work history, aside from some occasional temp work; I've been a stay at home mom since I was 16. During some interviews I have seen a look cross the face of the interviewer as soon as I say that... it's quite obvious that I've lost status in their eyes. To say I feel intimidated before an interview is an understatement.

The submissive's forum that I started a couple of months ago is doing well. We have a nice core group of people who attend every month. I'm finding my groove; I'm learning to lead a discussion which isn't easy for me. I'm much happier sitting on the sidelines listening. I've been modeling my discussions after a bottom I admire. She leads another discussion group in our area and gives some of the best presentations I've seen. Thanks s, you've really inspired me.

I saw palpable evidence Wednesday night that the sub forum is really needed. The people who attend love having a dominant free space where they can be with their fellow submissives. It was rewarding for me to know that I've helped create something of value. Master really has little need or want of the local kink community but I've got an activist heart, I want to help the local community. I want to give something back. As long as he will allow it I will continue to be as active as possible in the local community.

The next forum is something I am really looking forward to, we're doing kinky crafts. Yay for creative stuff, I love to create and it's been some time since I've done anything crafty. I'll be demonstrating how to make rope floggers and at the same time I'll be making a matched pair of heavy knotted floggers for Master to practice Florentine style flogging with. *silly grins* Did I mention that being flogged Florentine style feels really good?

I'm creating a really nice handout for the cutting demo we're doing on the 6th and Master informed me last night that I'm writing his presentation too. I'm happy to be able to make a contribution. Off to the research cave! *giggles*

He's baaaaack!

The Sadist has come back! For several months Master just hasn't felt very sadistic. I've done my level best not to whine or beg or even brat for pain play. But the truth is I've been in serious need of a good beating for quite some time.

With all the stuff that's been going on between my back and Master's work schedule being all over the charts, I didn't realize just how badly I needed pain play.

Last night was spent with our kinky tribe and an impromptu play party. We started by teasing and tormenting my Lady's boy but I just wasn't in the right headspace to enjoy it. After his turn at being tormented it was mine. I was restrained and blindfolded and all three Dominants began tormenting me. I couldn't manage to submit to it, instead I fought. I was combative and actually safe worded on a couple of things that were too much. Finally I hit sensory overload and everything came to a screeching halt as I froze, every muscle in my body taut and my hand on Master's chest holding him at arm's length. With tears in my eyes I took several deep shuddering breaths to fight back the sobs that were threatening to overtake me. I managed to gain some semblance of control over my emotions and was then ordered to orgasm for them.

It was so hard to do at first, I was still feeling very defensive and combative, my muscles still tense. I wasn't at all aroused yet there was Master whispering in my ear to cum for him, to give them my orgasm. I did the only thing I could do. I obeyed. It took longer than usual but I succeeded.

Afterwards I was lightheaded and very floaty feeling. Somehow, having to share such an intimate part of me pushed me into a very deeply submissive state. I felt very deeply submissive and masochistic and still do.

This afternoon Master re-introduced me to the Sadist. I had to fight to keep quiet because the kids were in and out of the house. He blindfolded me and had me lie on my stomach on the bed. He played with my mind as much as he played with my body. His goal was to cause maximum pain with the least amount of noise. I writhed on the bed as he worked over my back, the backs of my legs and the bottoms of my feet. He reduced me to my core... nothing else existed but Master and the pain he wanted me to take.

I remember begging "please Master, please" though I'm not sure if I was begging him to stop or to continue.

Master finished by taking his pleasure from me. I reveled in the feel of him thrusting into me with savage need.

After we'd bathed and collected ourselves, we spent the rest of the afternoon with our youngest daughter. We took her to lunch and then to the grocery store where we picked out the pumpkins we'll carve into jack-o-lanterns this week. Master was quite the gentleman and did the heavy lifting for us, our pumpkins are really huge.

Sometimes it strikes me as funny, S&M in the early afternoon and a family outing in the late afternoon.

Growth and change

From Kindlings

1. "There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go." -Richard Bach

The things we might term as mistakes can be learning experiences if we're mindful enough to learn the lesson offered. I used to think that the Universe was random and that horrible things happened for no reason. Then, our oldest daughter was molested. It was a major Event in our lives and a turning point for me. I knew then that my own childhood abuse happened so that I could be there for my daughter in a very unique way. It was also a learning and growth experience for me. I was offered the opportunity to finally slay the biggest of my own personal demons. I was given the choice of facing my demons or continuing to run from them. It was a crossroads.

I believe that every experience, painful or otherwise, is an opportunity to learn and grow in disguise.


3. "Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown." -George Shinn

Don't I know it? Not so long ago change was a dirty word in my book. I abhorred change almost as much as Nature abhors a vacuum. Change can be painful and unpleasant as much as it can be pleasant and fun. I spent a good part of my life trying to control things so that I could avoid feeling any more pain. What I didn't realize was this; I was stunting my own growth as a person.

Without growth and change are we truly living life?

The new me

I was craving change. I craved a major change, something to shake things up a bit; so, the thing to change? My hair. I told Master I wanted a new style. He responded with "It's your hair" which led to a small discussion about whose hair it really is. Since it's attached to my head, which is attached to my body, which ultimately belongs to Master; I asserted that it's his hair. What the discussion finally boiled down to was this, if he absolutely hated what I did with it, it would grow back and in the meantime I could wear a paper sack over my head. I just love his sense of humor.

So, I did it yesterday. I spent 15 minutes looking through style books and wavered back and forth between two hair styles, one that was similar to what I already had and one that was a drastic change. I took a HUGE deep breath and chose the drastic change. No gradual steps for me, no siree, I had to dive right in. As the stylist began to work on my hair I watched and wondered, "Is it too short? Will Master like it? Will I like it?" As my new style took shape it became hard to look at myself. I stopped looking like me. It was really a bizarre experience and one that filled me with just a wee bit of anxiety.

I have bangs again after several years of not having bangs and it now just barely brushes my shoulders when it's wet and doesn't really touch my shoulders at all when dry. It used to hang down near my bra line.

I spent the afternoon getting acquainted with my new 'do. I really like the way it looks when I have my sunglasses on. 'Course I'm not really looking at me then. I did take some time to stare at my image in the mirror; it just didn't look like me. It didn't look like the woman I'm used to seeing reflected back at me. I became more anxious then that Master wouldn't like this new 'do.

The first of our family to see my hair was our son. He asked me what I'd done and told me it didn't look bad, it just looked crazy. What does that mean??
Master was next to see my hair. He just stared at me for the longest time. He looked a bit bemused; I think he was a bit speechless. He told me it looked good, but that it was so different that it would take time to get used to it.

Master also remarked that I could probably pull off the young and innocent look now. Last week I had told him that I didn't feel I did it convincingly. I think now that a *lot* of it is my mindset. I never thought I was one whose identity was attached to her hair. With the long hair I felt mature, in control, I felt womanly and powerful. I feel exposed now, vulnerable even. This new haircut has really had a profound effect on me.

Master and I both are wondering how our friend J will react to my new 'do. In all the time we've known him he has never once suggested that I change my hair. This is really something when one realizes that he does this with nearly every submissive woman he meets. One of his kinks is transformation, he likes to take the diamond in the rough and polish her until she shines. He loved my hair the way it was.

Master loved my hair the way it was too. I wonder, since the change has had such an effect on me, if it will affect him.

Melancholy

Saturday night was odd. It was a nice night with just Master and I, the kids were at his sister's house for the night. We were driving around trying to sort out what we might have for dinner and the whole time I just felt very, empty and alone. It was a bit of a familiar feeling, that depression that hits when the weather turns chilly. It's not even quite depression, it's melancholy. That ho-hum, doldrums, there's no color in my life, feeling.

That feeling stuck with me until I woke this morning, from a very odd dream I might add. This morning my old festive self returned, further aided by watching Just Visiting with Master this afternoon. We're such movie nuts; we quote movies at each other all the time. This one actually has lots of quotes that are pertinent to our lifestyle. *grins*

I'm looking forward to the holidays; Samhain is just around the corner. I probably won't do anything special, I rarely do these days. Perhaps I'll just commune with Nature under the stars and sift through my fond memories of my loved ones who've passed on.

In other news, my back seems to be on the mend. Until last night I had been pretty much pain free for a couple of days. Last night's ride in the car sent the right buttock to aching. Tonight Master used our massage balls on my back which turned out to be a boo-boo. It aggravated the muscle that runs through my left buttock. So, I'm a bit achy tonight but I am proud to say that I did my exercises. I firmly believe that the exercises are truly helping my back to heal. Now, if I could just lose some weight, which would really help.

I got on the scale at the doctor's office Friday and was only too happy to get off the blasted thing. I'm surprised it didn't start screaming at me to get off. I'm close to my heaviest weight again. It was the impetus I needed to work on taking control of my eating again. Being home with this back injury has been bad for me. I've just let loose, let everything slide. Granted, I couldn't do a lot of the housework; but my back pain shouldn't have been an excuse to eat as if I had the metabolism of a 14 year old kid. Ahh well, kicking myself isn't going to fix the situation is it?

Life goes on and as long as it does I still have the opportunity to enact changes.

Alright, honesty, I feel a bit blue about the weight and the fact that my clothes are almost too snug for comfort. But I'm trying to see the ill fitting clothes as incentive to eat healthier and get into better shape. Allowing myself to get depressed about it is a self-defeating cycle that will keep me gaining weight. I'm going to see about getting back to work soon, that should stop some of the eating-just-because-I-have-nothing-better-to-do-eating, plus it will reduce the stress eating that both Master and I have been doing due to worrying about money.

You know, bodies should come with owner's manuals. There is a *lot* of upkeep and maintenance involved in keeping one's body running smoothly. I haven't even touched on the landscaping aspect of body maintenance. Why can't we have the things houses have, like lifetime shingles, or lifetime siding. Wouldn't that be great? Shaving, a thing of the past, now we have lifetime hairlessness. Yeah, I'm dreaming. I'm also goofy because it's way late and I should be in bed. Thank goodness the melancholy has passed and made way for goofiness. *grins*