Wondering

With all this new turmoil we’ve been dealing with I don’t know where this leaves us with our M/s dynamic.

Wednesday we had a phone conversation about the whole issue around ZBoy’s narking incident just before I had to leave for work. He was a bit upset and was rather harsh on the phone. I didn’t take it well and hung up on him.

A little while later he called back and we talked some more. I was at Defcon 10 with my emotional upset and wasn’t very receptive to anything he had to say. At one point I told him I didn’t feel that my motherhood was respected by him and that I couldn’t be married to, or belong to, a man who didn’t respect that. I said some pretty hurtful things and I regret them now. Hindsight and all that, you know.

We didn’t speak to each other beyond the necessities Wednesday night when I got home from work. When we went to bed I wasn’t ready to talk but I wanted him to know I still loved him and that I wasn’t going anywhere so I reached out and laid my hand on his back. He reached back and rubbed my arm and then we fell asleep. I think that was one of the only nights either of us has ever woken up in the position we’ve fallen asleep in.

Last night we talked about our issues and we reconnected. But, we didn’t discuss the power exchange. It was obvious, when we went to bed, that he still expects me to obey. “You’re not the boss of me” isn’t a good reason to not comply when commanded to remove my panties. I guess he’s not accepting my “request” for release and he’s not choosing to release me. I’m glad he doesn’t take action as soon as I say something in the heat of the moment. I’m not very rational when I’m upset; my first instinct has always been to run away when things get difficult. As a teenager I’d run away physically, as an adult, mentally and emotionally. It’s really difficult for me to stay in the moment, to stay present and deal with it all like a rational adult. I’m still learning.

I’m probably over thinking things. The power exchange, even if we were to agree to drop it for the sake of our marriage, would still be present. It’s how we relate to one another. I had renewed symptoms of the UTI, that I’m still trying to get rid of, and I had to call him. I needed his input on what to do. I needed his permission to go to the doctor instead of going to work. Not because he requires it but because I needed it. I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I’m co-dependent either. But, staying home from work is a big decision I lose almost 50 dollars by missing a night of work. I don’t feel comfortable making that sort of decision on my own unless I’m really feeling like I’m dying. There’s also a comfort issue, I feel comforted, validated when he agrees with me that I need stay home from work and see the doctor. I feel cared for.

Well F*ck Me Running!

You know, you never really do know someone even if you've raised them.

I just found out that my son decided to nark his sister off to the school police officer who in turn is calling her JCO and they're going to do a random UA on her. Wonderful. Just when things were starting to wind down he's cranking up the drama again.

I understand he *thinks* he's doing the right thing from some sanctimonious position of piety that the rest of us will never achieve. Personally I believe he's found a way to get even with her and didn't give a thought to the rest of us.

Never mind the fact that his information is all hearsay. Could he be bothered to speak to us? Or ask her directly to confirm what he's heard? No, he decides that narking to the police is the best way to handle this situation. There are days, like today for instance, that I'd like to shake some common sense into him. Instead I told him to either leave or go to his room, I wasn't of a mind to talk calmly.

We know what she's been doing, we accept the reality of the situation. There's not much we can do, she's not ready to accept that what she's doing (drinking and drugs) is not good for her and what's more, is against the law. That's the most difficult part of being a parent, having to accept that there are some things that are beyond your control. Oh sure, we could ground her, we could even force her into drug treatment. And we could pay anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars for something that will do no good because she's not ready to quit. That's the one thing few seem to realize, you can't FORCE an addict to quit, they have to be ready to do it. The ADDICT has to come to the realization that they're not in a good place and no amount of lecturing from parents or other authority figures, no amount of therapy, is going to get them there before it's time.

I am.....upset. I am saddened and angered by my son's actions and by the possible consequences of all of this. I am intimidated by the possible upcoming additional hoops we'll (I'll) have to jump through. I am worried about going to work and leaving this for Master to deal with, his isn't the coolest of heads when he feels like his family is threatened and this certainly will fall under that heading. His son has just done something he'll consider a betrayal of the family.

I guess I have to have faith that things will work out however they're meant to.

I'm Still Alive

I know, I haven't posted in a bit but I can explain, really! *smiles*

Life has been hectic around here, we've had health issues, migraines, and I'm contemplating a trip to the urologist because of repeated UTIs and bladder infections that are becoming more difficult to treat. It's truly frightening to be facing that but I'm just matter-of-fact about it. We will find a way to fix things, we'll adapt. What other choice is there?

Working evenings is beginning to wear on me and I think I'd be correct in saying that it's wearing on Master too. He's just not the "Mr. Mom" type. He is giving it a Herculean effort but he just doesn't seem as much himself lately, he's exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit school and see if I can get day hours where I'm at. I'm sure that'd be a mistake though and I keep plugging along, hoping that we'll get through it. The end seems so near to me, it's within my grasp, I just have to keep at it.

Today is Master's birthday and I'm sad that I can't spend it with him. If I had my way I'd clear a few hours for just he and I to be alone after taking him out for a romantic dinner. Once home I'd lead him upstairs to give him a full body massage with a spicy scented oil, nude of course so I could use my entire body to rub him down with. Afterwards, a nice hot shower for two.

Instead I have to go to work and won't see him until I get home around 8:30 and the next hour and a half until bedtime will be spent dealing with the kids' stuff and decompressing. Then to bed where we'll try to fall asleep so we can get up and do the same thing again tomorrow.

In many ways I miss being a stay-at-home mom and housewife. I miss being here, being available, for him. I miss being here when he gets home and sitting on the bed upstairs while he talks to me about his day. I miss the opportunities for quickie sex after his shower. I hope to have some semblance of that again some day, my goal is to end up working from home in the long term. I enjoy my co-workers and my workplace, I don't much care for the work itself, but I do feel successful. I guess I just want it all.

Through all of this I feel like I've lost touch with my slave-self. If I'm tired at night, he lets me just veg. If I'm not in the mood for sex, up until the last two nights, he'd let me refuse. I'm not laying this at his feet, I know better and I've been taking advantage of his good nature. I've just let myself go on automatic pilot, my mouth, my brain, everything. Bad slave girl, bad.

His

Master's birthday is next week and his company allows its employees a day off of their choosing during their birthday month. Master chose to take this Monday off.

The day started early for me, I still had to go to class. A girl needs her education afterall. While I was in class Master was sleeping in, or so I thought. When I got home from class I woke him and eventually he got into the shower. I thought perhaps he'd forgotten that we'd discussed using the day to get some much needed SM play. Actually, I was halfway hoping he'd forgotten, I wasn't sure I was in the mood for SM. His command when he got out of the shower let me know he hadn't forgotten. "Put on some music."

I was a bit nervous then. The butterflies in my stomach had butterflies. I was truly nervous at what he'd do to me without the possibility of children hearing to keep him in check.

I put on some music that I like, something soft and ambient, hoping that the gentle music would influence him a little. Heavy/loud music tends to get him ramped up as does Beethoven. As I said, I was worried so I chose something I thought was "safe".

I don't recall how I ended up naked, but after that he ordered me onto the bed with my butt in the air. He started with spanks and moved into floggers. He really laid into my back with the floggers. One side of my back is a lot more sensitive, the side with the cutting. The scar tissue is extra-sensitive. I gasped out that I couldn't take as much on the right side, I told him it burned. I should have known better, no sooner had I uttered the words he laid into that side with gusto with the words "Really? It doesn't hurt me a bit."

For a moment, just a moment, tears threatened and I felt absolutely miserable. For a split second I felt as if he were punishing me for something. Then reason took over and all was well. I knew it was just his sadistic tendencies, give him a reaction and he'll work twice as hard to get more of it.

After the flogging he began punching... yes, I said punching. He punched all the big muscles in my thighs, butt, and upper back. Over and over, developing a rhythm that I began to relax into. I think if he'd continued I might well have zone out a bit. I'd just begun to feel super relaxed, my breathing was deep and regular, and I was feeling a wee bit floaty, and he stopped. He tormented me then, you see, he brought out the horrible rubber paddle. I hate that thing, it's pure evil. He placed it on my butt and I was sure he'd use it on me. But no, he had another surprise in store for his girl. Instead of feeling the impact of the paddle, I felt the sharpness of cold steel. Yes, Master brought out the knife and I was tickled pink! He hasn't gotten the knife out in so long that I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoy it.

He used the knife very thoroughly, little pokes here and there to make me gasp and feel jumpy, long deep scratches as (I later found out) he scratched words into my bottom. I actually felt real fear while he had the knife out, it'd been so long and I felt so new to all of it.

Soon he put the knife away and that's when the fun sexy stuff started and that's where I'll stop my narration for tonight.

Suffice it to say that I feel very fortunate that he chose to use his birthday day off to spend with me.

Slain Demons

I'm posting twice in one day, a rare thing. Last night was a mile marker for me and something I need to put in print so I always remember it.

I was able to offer something sexual to Master that, in the past, even a hint of it would have left me a train wreck. Since I've got this UTI penetrative sex is just not a cool thing right now but Master still has needs that I want to take care of. He's been very kind and hasn't made any demands, he never does when I'm ill, but I can see that he's been frustrated and it bugs me when I'm unable to see to his needs.

Anyway, last night I suggested that he could f*ck me between my thighs and he took me up on that offer. I laid on side and after he lubed up the area between my thighs, I clenched my legs together as he slid between them. It felt pretty good, a nice tease for me as the top of his cock rubbed against my pussy with every stroke.

Why is this a mile marker? Why do I title this post Slain Demons? Simply this, the act I described above was done to me by my abuser. In the past if there was even a hint of that happening it would throw me into a very dark place of flashbacks and body memories. Not a pleasant place to be when you're with your lover.

Last night, when I made the suggestion, the memories did surface and even now they're playing behind my eyes, but they no longer have the power they once did. I am able to sift through them and let them go without mentally becoming that little girl who didn't understand. It's taken many, many years to get to this point, lots of blood, sweat, and tears; mine and Master's. I think I'm finally making the transition from survivor to thriver. I never thought it was possible, ever. I thought I'd always be controlled by my past. I still have days when the demons try to make a comeback, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but I don't let them hang around for long. I still have things that can and will trigger the old feelings and I avoid them as much as possible, sometimes it's best not to pick at old wounds.

I think the most important thing that has happened is entirely mental, I no longer define myself by my past but by my present and my future. I'm lucky, I know it and I say it often. My horrors weren't as great as those of others, but horrors are horrors and we all heal from them in our own way.

Lowered Tolerance

This week I've been thinking about lowered tolerance and how it applies to me. First off, I have yet another UTI and it's been a doozy. I have always told people that I have a low tolerance to UTIs and bladder infections, if I feel even a hint of one I'm off and running to the doctor because I can't deal with the pain of them.

It was only this week that I realized the 'why' behind my low tolerance for that type of pain, nevermind that they hurt like the dickens. I had my first UTI as a teenager and I was staying with my grandparents at the time. I didn't know what was wrong at the time, all I knew was that my belly hurt and it hurt beyond belief to pee. I didn't say anything, I wasn't comfortable talking to them about it. So, the entire week or so that I stayed there, I suffered in silence. I had more sleepless nights than I care to count due to the gnawing pain in my belly.

Ever since then I get panicky when I have UTI symptoms and I keep a urinary analgesic on hand just in case. I did finally get treatment when I went home, found out I had a lovely little STD too (go me).

I have also made some mental connections this week regarding my low tolerance to some pain that Master chooses to dish out. A few months back while I was at the dentist's office and whining about the pain as she cleaned my teeth, she pointed out that all the pain meds I'm on can actually reduce one's tolerance to pain. This was reinforced by a magazine article I read while sitting in the doctor's office this week. It made me feel better knowing it's not me, it's the medication causing it. It's important to me to be able to be an outlet for his sadistic needs as well as, I do have my own masochistic needs. Although now, my needs are usually met long before his are. *chuckling* However, I should note that sometimes he enjoys it even when I'm not and I'm glad that it works that way for him.

I guess the reason I'm writing all this is because I want to mark this new knowledge of myself. It's important to me to know myself as thoroughly as possible and in knowing myself I am better able to be transparent to Master. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. *smiles*

Support

Today's post comes from Kindlings.


6. Do you look to other slaves/peers for support and/or validation?

In the beginning of my journey as a submissive I looked to everyone for support and a whole load of validation. I was really unsure of myself and I used other subs and peers sort of like training wheels. I leaned on them whenever I lost my "balance".

Similarly when I began life as Master's slave, I needed to lean on other slaves but not so much for validation. I needed support, I was endeavoring to do something that didn't quite come naturally to me. While Master is excellent at teaching me what he wants from me, he cannot teach me the intricacies of surrender from a slave's point of view. I've always found it helpful to see things from the perspective of someone who's "been there, done that."

As I've grown in self-confidence I've lost the need for the training wheels. I do still seek a small bit of validation from time to time when my self-confidence wavers for whatever reason. I still lean on others for support too. I believe very strongly that people need support systems around them and slaves, when they're having a tough time of it, can take a great deal of comfort from other slaves who, as I said above, have "been there, done that."

Thankful

Given the hecticness of my life lately I thought it'd be good for me to take a moment to focus on all that I'm thankful for. I really do have a *lot* of good in my life that I don't always focus on because I'm stuck in the present moment.

I'm thankful for Master, without him life would be less colorful. Without his tender care of me I'd be more frazzled than I am.

I'm thankful for my children, they may seem like ungrateful wretches at times (two of them are teenagers) but they're *my* ungrateful wretches and they've given my life a purpose and have made it interesting.

I'm thankful for modern medicine, it has made it possible for me to do all that I do today.

I'm thankful that I am able to work.

I'm thankful that I am able to go to school.

I'm thankful for the people in my life, both online and offline.

I'm thankful for the ability to laugh and find the humor in many situations.

I'm thankful for every day, it's an opportunity.

Two Ships Passing

Master always wakes before I do in the mornings and is gone to work before I'm out of bed. This morning I woke when he did due to the call of nature. The room was dark as I crawled out of bed to make my way to the bathroom. As I made my way out of the bathroom he was making his way in and as we passed I brushed my nude breasts against his back while my hand stroked across his nude bottom. He reached out and nuzzled a breast with his hand as I continued to walk out of the bathroom and then the contact was broken.

He closed the bathroom door and I climbed back into bed for a little more sleep. That was it, the limit of our contact this morning but it was potent. I felt a swell of love and a tingle of excitement as I snuggled under the covers and wished it was the weekend so he could be there in bed with me.

Even though we have less time together we still manage to keep our connection alive and vibrant. Yesterday I wrote up a huge entry bemoaning an imbalance in our M/s dynamic. Since I've been working and going to school he's taken over more of the household chores and sometimes seems to cater to me. Yesterday I was feeling like a displaced slave and my entry reflected it. Through the wonder that is computer glitches, the entry was lost and I'm glad for it.

After I gave up on ever retrieving that entry I decided to take a little action and did up some dishes and made a list of chores for the kids. I realized that if I want to serve I need to just do it. There are always chores to do and in doing them there is that much less for Master to have to do in the evening. I may not be able to be here to cook and serve his dinner but I can still do things to help make his life easier.

Sometimes I forget that a lot of what we do, M/s and relationships in general, is based in our minds and hearts, not in the things we do. The things we do are a symptom of who we are and how we feel and while they do emphasize and help to strengthen bonds, they aren't the end all and be all.

Mortality

Mortality. That's the word of the day. We found out a couple of days ago that a Lifestyle acquaintance passed away.

I'm having a hard time getting my head around the reality of it. He's gone, no longer exists on this plane of existence. I keep having clips of movies I've seen flash through my mind, a crowd of people and one or two just disappear, the others know something has happened but don't really know what and they carry on with what they're doing. That's how I felt in class on Wednesday, here this person is dead and I'm going to class, carrying on with my life in a room full of young people who are oblivious to just about everything.

That evening I took a call from a customer who's words really put things in perspective. She related some pretty terrible health issues and ended with "Every day is a challenge and every day is a gift." The truth of her words really resonated with me. I have very challenging days but I'm still alive to try to rise to the challenge and some days I even succeed.

I wasn't more than an acquaintance with the person who passed on but I did appreciate his good nature and his ready smile. I'll miss that smile at future group meetings.