Slain Demons

I'm posting twice in one day, a rare thing. Last night was a mile marker for me and something I need to put in print so I always remember it.

I was able to offer something sexual to Master that, in the past, even a hint of it would have left me a train wreck. Since I've got this UTI penetrative sex is just not a cool thing right now but Master still has needs that I want to take care of. He's been very kind and hasn't made any demands, he never does when I'm ill, but I can see that he's been frustrated and it bugs me when I'm unable to see to his needs.

Anyway, last night I suggested that he could f*ck me between my thighs and he took me up on that offer. I laid on side and after he lubed up the area between my thighs, I clenched my legs together as he slid between them. It felt pretty good, a nice tease for me as the top of his cock rubbed against my pussy with every stroke.

Why is this a mile marker? Why do I title this post Slain Demons? Simply this, the act I described above was done to me by my abuser. In the past if there was even a hint of that happening it would throw me into a very dark place of flashbacks and body memories. Not a pleasant place to be when you're with your lover.

Last night, when I made the suggestion, the memories did surface and even now they're playing behind my eyes, but they no longer have the power they once did. I am able to sift through them and let them go without mentally becoming that little girl who didn't understand. It's taken many, many years to get to this point, lots of blood, sweat, and tears; mine and Master's. I think I'm finally making the transition from survivor to thriver. I never thought it was possible, ever. I thought I'd always be controlled by my past. I still have days when the demons try to make a comeback, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but I don't let them hang around for long. I still have things that can and will trigger the old feelings and I avoid them as much as possible, sometimes it's best not to pick at old wounds.

I think the most important thing that has happened is entirely mental, I no longer define myself by my past but by my present and my future. I'm lucky, I know it and I say it often. My horrors weren't as great as those of others, but horrors are horrors and we all heal from them in our own way.