I'm Still Alive

I know, I haven't posted in a bit but I can explain, really! *smiles*

Life has been hectic around here, we've had health issues, migraines, and I'm contemplating a trip to the urologist because of repeated UTIs and bladder infections that are becoming more difficult to treat. It's truly frightening to be facing that but I'm just matter-of-fact about it. We will find a way to fix things, we'll adapt. What other choice is there?

Working evenings is beginning to wear on me and I think I'd be correct in saying that it's wearing on Master too. He's just not the "Mr. Mom" type. He is giving it a Herculean effort but he just doesn't seem as much himself lately, he's exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit school and see if I can get day hours where I'm at. I'm sure that'd be a mistake though and I keep plugging along, hoping that we'll get through it. The end seems so near to me, it's within my grasp, I just have to keep at it.

Today is Master's birthday and I'm sad that I can't spend it with him. If I had my way I'd clear a few hours for just he and I to be alone after taking him out for a romantic dinner. Once home I'd lead him upstairs to give him a full body massage with a spicy scented oil, nude of course so I could use my entire body to rub him down with. Afterwards, a nice hot shower for two.

Instead I have to go to work and won't see him until I get home around 8:30 and the next hour and a half until bedtime will be spent dealing with the kids' stuff and decompressing. Then to bed where we'll try to fall asleep so we can get up and do the same thing again tomorrow.

In many ways I miss being a stay-at-home mom and housewife. I miss being here, being available, for him. I miss being here when he gets home and sitting on the bed upstairs while he talks to me about his day. I miss the opportunities for quickie sex after his shower. I hope to have some semblance of that again some day, my goal is to end up working from home in the long term. I enjoy my co-workers and my workplace, I don't much care for the work itself, but I do feel successful. I guess I just want it all.

Through all of this I feel like I've lost touch with my slave-self. If I'm tired at night, he lets me just veg. If I'm not in the mood for sex, up until the last two nights, he'd let me refuse. I'm not laying this at his feet, I know better and I've been taking advantage of his good nature. I've just let myself go on automatic pilot, my mouth, my brain, everything. Bad slave girl, bad.